words I couldn't say

I dont lie to you. But sometimes I cant speak the truth either. 

I love you and I believe you love me too. So I feel like you understand exactly what I mean. Being too scared to say the truth to each other and not wanting to lie. So we do this dance...of never really saying what the other needs to hear. 

You tell me I have nothing to worry about with you but that's a lie. I have everything to worry about. Because I am in love with you and I want to be with you. And for all there is between us, the truth is I can't. I can't even pretend that your mine.

I know you'll say things are much more different now but if I am honest I feel further apart. I know that from your viewpoint that may be true but from mine... well it's a matter of perspective. 

I love you Matt. And I respect everything about you and your life, who you are, your choices and how you feel. Lately our communication has been struggling. Because we both are holding things back from each other. Even when you admit that we are working toward the same thing we are working separately. So I am scared and i hold back. The same way you have plans but I never know anything about what they are, or when anything will happen or even start to happen. It makes me feel like I am building a future on quicksand.. I get upset a lot and I am sensitive and scared. Everytime you say we are closer to being together I get sad because I wish I felt that. I wish I saw it. I get sad because if we were getting closer I shouldn't feel like we are getting further apart. I don't want to hide what I feel from you ever. I don't want to feel like you hide what you feel from me either but I feel it. And you can say whatever you want about it not being true...but I feel what I feel. And denying it doesn't make it go away. If we are going to be together, we need to work together. We need to talk about what we need to do to get where we want together. Together is how we deal with det back and problems you and I can make it through as long as we are together.  Yes you have stuff only you can handle and me too but it's for us. It's how we are going to do it and what problems arise it's what and how we agree to handle them. 

The hard part is how happy I get when you talk about being together, and still feeling terrified asking to be reassured and a part of things in your life, terrified that it will be what breaks us apart. 

I said I didn't want to stull be in the same situation and not able to see you in 5 months down the road. It was my fear and it scares me that my fears are coming true. 

I felels like the thing we are always going to wish we got to have and never got to be. That almost. That maybe. 

I gave up so much of my happiness to fit the picture of what Dustin said he wanted and needed for so long. You have a picture in your head too. The thing is I have a nice picture too. But neither of us are ever going to get to have that picture come true..unless we start looking and working together. 

I realized a while ago that I am not a part of your life and at this point it's very easy for me to not be. And that scares me because you are and have been a very big part of mine. In my family, in my friends, and I know..I know you are working on things and dealing with things in your life that are not easy. But it hurts me. Because I feel like as much as you say you understand... you sometimes don't understand how not easy it is for me. And when you tell me how it's getting better and all going to be fine and worth it in the end. I dont see thenend...I see more time. I feel is it getting harder going longer and on and on like this. Matt I want to see it like you do. But I am scared cause sometimes I don't. I'm scared to upset or frustrate you by feeling the way I feel about where we are at. I'm scared because I dont want to make you feel bad for doing what you need to do. I want to support you and love you. I have fears and doubts and it feels like I am failing you. Maybe you fail in supporting me too. I want to lift you up and give you everything you need to build and dream and love and be the man you want to be. I want to be the person you turn to even if it's just so I can be there for you. Whatever problems we run into, we can figure it out. If you let me, I am here. Feeling scared and doubting you and us hurts me. I just keep hoping and praying for clarity. I just keep trying to be better for you for us and for Liam and me. I want a life with you Matt. It can be messy and flawed and the most amazingly wonderful life if you want that too. 

All the words I just couldn't say.