just me

To The Man In The Moon-

It's that time of year. Maybe a bad time to go sorting through my life to throw out things to try and make way for a new one. Especially when I feel so full of doubt about things to come. 
I thought I had come to terms with letting things go. I have had to see myself through so many losses in my life, what is one or two more? 
I love Dustin. Letting go of what the love I wish we had was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We weren't perfect but we could have been happy. We had that chance. 
But what I needed what I need he isn't able to give me.
We had what we were supposed to. 
And it led me to Matt. The way I feel about him I have no question whatever hardships or things I have been through it is all leading to him. And it scares me. Because he holds my heart in a way I have never know. 
The things we could have.. that potential is scarier to me. Because I have nothing. I have an idea don't, a dream. I dont have him. I don't even have a promise. 
This hoping for the best given everything I have been through...
I can't pretend that wanting something so special and rare doesn't seem like a pipe dream. He could walk away so easily. He knows he has me. I can't even pretend. And I feel like one false step one bad day and he'll break me just because he can. 
Dustin sees it. I think he resents that I let Matt have his way about so much and yet I gave up on him. Wondering why I am so willing to give Matt more than I am willing to give him. 
I gave him a lot. He just still doesn't see it. And it's different. At least I pray it is. 
It will all be worth it. 
I have hurt so bad..I am so scared and lonely and struggling. It's worth everything..or else I wouldn't be doing this to myself. But he isn't mine and he's careful to not disapoint me with promises he can't keep.. but he's said it wouldn't be 5-6 months and I have to just suck it up and believe that it won't always be more waiting and wishing. I am still just a wish... an idea of what we could be. 

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