patience isn't coming as easily

What you gave me yesterday by acknowledging and talking to me about what I feel meant a lot to me. I talked about it with my therapist today and what you gave me was a piece of power to be less scared of my feelings and needs chasing you away. 

I understand or at least try to understand the very difficult position you are in there. I really try not to put pressure on you about how you choose to cope, deal or handle your life. I have tried to keep what I feel about it on my plate and deal with it as much as I can on my own.

But loving you, I find it very hard to do because I feel more separated than just by distance because of the situation we are in. 

I know that us being apart is a large part of my problem. But its not the only problem. If it were merely distance then visits would solve that. Video chats and telephone calls and knowing when we will get to see each other would make the distance and being apart bareable.  I think a part of you knows that it's more than us being apart. We say that you "being here" would fix that and we know yes the being here with me would fix it but it's because it would mean we had move beyond this situation. 

I dont push to know exactly what is said or felt between you and Ashley. I respect that it's not my place or relationship. It scares me though Matt. Because you tell me she's your world and best friend and I understand. But you know far more about Dustin and I's relationship and day to day dealings than you will ever open up to share with me about Ashley and you. I feel that I have opened up my entire world for you, because I am in love with you and want you to be a part of my life, my present and my future. And I honestly feel that there is an imbalance in our relationship. In some important ways, and you expect trust and steadfastness from me. But the things I need and want to feel steady and secure like you want me to are things you are not yet ready or able or willing to grant me. 

I write a lot. I use it as a way to get these feelings and thought put of just my head so I can see them and give weight or validity to them or to decide if I need to recognize their truth or falseness and let them go.

I haven't  been able to let some of these serious issues go because the is weight and validity to my fears. And despite me sharing them with you. You have kept doors open...like an escape route that makes me doubt that for all the love you have for me...that you are able to really stand up and be with me. 

If we are ever granted the opportunity to really truly love each other and be with each other our difficulty will be balancing all we want to do with time we have left in this life.. I cannot begin to tell you how much joy it brings me to look forward to all the adventures and the everyday simplicity with you. The difficult part is what and where we are. One of the conversations I had with Dustin and with my therapist was why I am able to give and do for you but feel like I am not allowed to also have that given back. The imbalance in Dustin and I's relationship was the beginning of the end. He never doubted my love or my feelings. I never gave him cause and I always took care of what he needed and wanted. But I never had that back from him. I'm scared. Because I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I don't want to feel like your going to walk away and change your mind, or figure out I am not worth letting go of things there to start something new with me. 

Dustin has asked me several times now, if I'm asking too much. He likes you a lot Matt. And I hold back so much from him now. And he sees it. He may not know why or what exactly but he sees it. I get angry at him for questioning me about us but the thing that makes me angry is I have no answers to give him. It upsets me. I love you. I would choose you a 100 times over with no hesitation or doubts. What I feel and the potential of what you and I could be is beautiful and amazing and I hope and pray God didn't show me a man and love so special and wonderful only to acknowledge what could be but isn't for me. Matt I am trying. I'm trying to have hope, I am trying to believe. I am trying to be patient and understanding in what it is you need from me. But there are a lot of things I am struggling with. And I have tried just nodding along and trying to just agree that you are doing your best and you have a plan...but I can't just love you and blindly believe. I need... you to help me.