Letters To The Man in The Moon

Maybe love isn't a lifetime.  Maybe it's a moment, a week, a shared glimmer in time. Love is so many things. It makes me sad that the good times are tainted and cloudy. I want the bright brilliance that will burn those shadows away. I dont mind the darker days when I can look at the person next to me and look beyond what ails.  Part of love is my mother. Being able to look at her even during the worst of times and having her to laugh cry with because it's bad and I knew she was in the thick of it with me. Maybe that's it. Maybe I can be that for Liam. I want him to know love to be that. I just wish I wasn't failing so hard at so much that I could be stronger and better for him.  I'm a mess of a person. I couldn't be more confused and lost.  I had an idea a dream an illusion until I didn't 

It's tricky. Trying to self realize and not self sabotage. It's been over a year that we have physically been together and I realized that as we are reaching the 2 years of what I considered being together that it's not that way for him because of how long he muddled the relationship he actually had with Ashley.  I'm seeing how many days we are in different mindsets about things and it bothers me. I feel alone. Alone in a lot of things I feel like I shouldn't. And I feel partially responsible since I can't just suddenly not be still married evem though it's completely over for me. The more he focuses on Dustin being the problem the more I feel like it's us. 

To The Man In The Moon  - So much going on. Between being sick The last few days and in a few different ways, the Supreme Court Ruleing and the state of my life in general I am at the end of my rope.  I am angry. I am doing my best to deal with all the anger and frustration I have. I dont want it to bleed into other facets of my life hell other facets of my anger or frustration.  I dont want to come down hard on Matt for Dustin's bullshit. I don't want to come down on Dustin for Matt's bullshit. And I certainly don't want any of it falling on Liam.  I am tired of hearing mouths run and run and nothing being done. I am sick. I hurt and at this point I hurt in so many ways I can't get a break. One thing or another kicks my ass and I am down and hurting and I can't get away from it.  It is affecting every facet and relationship in my life right now. And despite all the kind words I just can't find the help and support I need when I need it.  I am fighting with...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I try and let things go. Things I see. The way I am made to feel. I try to justify for him. That it isn't that he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen to me or hear me or know me. I just wonder if it's just because I always make excuses. Maybe what I have to say doesn't matter or doesn't need to be shared. But I feel like I try and listen no matter what is being said no matter how many stories he shares about her. Maybe that's my karma. My burden to bare for choosing to love him when I shouldn't have. 

To The Man In The Moon  - I have a hard time trying to not let things I can't control bother me. Not in the same way Matt does. He totally gets butt hurt about some silly stuff sometimes. 😂Frustrated. Is what he gets. But in the every day moments, I find my anger about how much everyone always pretends or lies and the insenserity behind things really makes my blood boil. Dustin is acting like a child. He won't help out. He won't do his share. The only thing he will do is take Liam to school and bring him home. Even though I have to wake him up to even do that.  He seems to think he can just do what he wants when he feels like it. And we are all just supposed to be okay with it.  All weekend that man didn't pay attention. To his child. Not once. Not for 5 minutes Not for anything. He didn't care that he had said he would play games with him or give him a shower. Just slept and got up to eat and shower and left.  Liam kept trying and he was upset and kept apologizing...

To The Man In The Moon  - How does time move so quickly sometimes and others just crawl and feel like it stands still? There was so much time that just escaped. So much fraught with worries and unhappiness. It feels like it was wasted on tiny things instead of what matters most. I want to feel better. This sickness robs me of so damn much. I want to have all the time spend in pain and sick back. Knowing it doesn't work that way after going through everything with my mother, wishing I had someone who had made me laugh through the tears and felt like no matter how much it hurts its time spent together is something I have needed. I need to make something matter.  It hurts to watch people to love ignore the good moments you have. It hurts to feel like they are lost on them. It fucking hurts. 💔

To The Man In The Moon  - I wish I didn't always get so caught up in wanting things to be more than they are. Always hoping to be better, less stressful, sweeter, always just something more. I am trying my hardest to search for the peace. For the love  I want to exhale. I want to breath deep and feel like I am right where I belong.  Things are so going so quickly. Liam is getting older every second. And I feel like it's all sped up and I am grasping to find something solid and safe. I want a moment that I don't feel like I need to be doing more that it's enough that I am. That it's all okay. That I'm not spinning out of control. That I'm okay.  I keep waiting. And the moments come and go and I don't feel it. I keep telling myself to keep breathing and fighting and doing my best and it's going to come. So here I am...still breathing. 

To The Man In The Moon - What I would rather worry about... Definitely not about whether we can pay the mortgage again this month, not about the electric bill or the water, or the fact that Liam still needs a new pair of glasses, whether I will be able to get up and do the laundry and the dishes, whether I will be in pain and vomiting, whether I will have to fight with Dustin to help with the trash, paying the overdraft fees on his account, figuring out how to pay the car insurance and get Dustin's car tagged, preparing Liam for the next 3 weeks of MAP testing and then trying to get him to enjoy bowling and his last 5th grade experiences like the dance and graduation and then going to 6th grade, being able to go to the funeral for my family member, making it through tomorrow and the next day and not being a basket case trying to smile and not freak out and be stressed  and lose my shit. Worrying that no matter what I'm never going to be able to do enough to make things work out...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Some days seem harder to push through the haze. I had a very rough morning. My stomach was in full effect. I dont know if it was trying so hard yesterday and then all the food and cooking. I  stressed trying to keep up things and I am failing. I am struggling and sometimes I feel like no matter how delicately I express my needs no one really listens. I ask for help, I get told that's all I have to do. It never is. I hear a lot of how wonderful I am and how nice I am. How much I do. But it's never enough to get the help, the....well the something I need. Emotions are running high with Earth Day and Cinco De Mayo and Eileen's funeral. The bills being due, my unable to manage things like I did. I keep forgetting and putting off so much stuff. I can't keep my head straight. I just can't breath right now. My chest is tight. My head keeps getting befuddled. I tried hard not to be so short with Liam. I am failing him right now. I want to focus on...

To The Man In The Moon - Writing more for myself and to get some things off my chest. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting to feel better. Tired of doubting myself and how I feel. I don't expect anything to be perfect. Fuck I don't even know what perfect is. I'm tired of wanting. Wanting to feel better, and to be better. Every feeling and thought I am fighting myself. Wanting help or a break feels selfish or like I am trying to be a martyr. But I dont want sympathy I want effort and reciprocation. Why does that feel like I'm asking for too much? Something he said to me a lot lately... He can't be cute? He can't top me. What does that mean?  I try my God damn hardest to consider everyone and their feelings and I feel like I am constantly told and shown that consideration and reciprocal effort is too much. By loving him and everyone am I hurting myself?  Am I overly caring? Do I love too much?  I dont know what to do. If I stop being affectionate and loving the...