Letters To The Man in The Moon

 Man In The Moon,  How do you trust how you feel? When you have spent so long questioning your judgment that got you into the problems you have today. I have trusted my heart and followed it to the ends of two marriages. I am not young and innocent enough to blindly believe anymore.  Maybe I am bitter and disillusioned. Maybe none of it is real. One lie could easily turn into a million more. And yet, there’s something in me that feels so strongly and purely free and happy. But which part is wrong, which part is right? I’m wishing and praying for your guidance and wisdom. I’m looking for you to take my hand. It’s dark, I’m lonely and I am scared in reaching out what might be holding my hand back. Especially if I find there’s no one to hold my hand at all. All the things I love are the things that can hurt me most.

Man In The Moon,  Losing you so young I never had the father figure to help me navigate the world of boys and men. I’m almost to forty and there is so much I still wish I could ask you. How do I raise my son to be a man, a good man when I still haven’t found a man to love me, all of me the way you loved mom? I am as clueless as the day you passed.  I feel like I am always too much or too little. Too soft or too hard. My insecurities ruin my self worth and my love. I’m tainted by all my faults and they bleed into my heart and my love. Growing up I was always too nice, then too trusting. I give with my whole heart, in love and in friendship, I can’t not want to love someone. Even when it means no one is returning that love to me. I guess I justified it because caring is part of what makes me who I am. Like you can’t care too much. Well it’s taken me a long time but it really just makes me a fucking fool.  What do you do when you find out your love and caring will never be e...

Starting again. It’s an attempt to get the crazy out. Man In The Moon, I am still trying to find you, even when it’s just a piece of you. At this point I will take whatever I can find. Everyday feels like a battle, with my illness, with my body, with my mind, my husband, Liam’s school, the world outside and in. It’s a constant struggle and when I seek relief or refuge, it always feels like I am running away and hiding instead of facing it all and fighting every second.  I love my friends but we are all in the fight and sometimes it’s hard to help them fight theirs or them help you with yours because there is too much coming at us from too many angles. None of us a accomplished enough jugglers to keep everyone’s balls in the air. So we struggle to stay strong together with so much dragging us apart.  So who do you turn to? I turn to myself again it appears. I turn to my Man In The Moon. To someone who cannot supply the love, the support, the advice or the hug.  I am lonely...