Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon- I love sitting under the moon. Outside in a crisp sky. I dont mind that I can't see all the stars. I know they are there. And they are beautiful whether I can see them all or not. Much like everyone I miss. It seems like I am always missing what I need the most. So much so that I honestly don't remember a time I haven't been needing someone that isn't here.  Having someone that I can talk to has changed the way I think about missing someone. Having the possibility that there might come a time where I won't have to feel like I am alone...it's too good to believe sometimes.  I try and count my blessings every day in someway. The possibility of it is something I am thankful for. But I still can't trust it. Hope. The hope he gives me. My heart feels so full of it sometimes. To the point I can almost feel it coming. I can almost see it happening and I want to badly to finally feel it and make it real.  But it's not real. Not yet... And...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am better than the bullshit I smile through.  Sometimes I chose others over myself and my feelings. And I tell myself that it's okay because I do it because I care about them and love them. Which honestly is the truth...when they love and care about me back.  How I keep falling into the same patterns that fucked me up so much before I dont understand. I know things aren't the same. But the fear is the same.  I keep trying to hold back and hold on. I keep swallowing back the pain and it's making me sick.  I am tired of feeling like the problem. I'm tired of asking and waiting. I want to stop the merry-go-round and start taking steps towards something better.  I have left space for the people I love but I'm tired of waiting.  I've already seen how waiting for someone to get a clue turns out for me lol  I dont have to wait for happiness, I just need to focus on taking it and ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I sit with my pain. I get to know it. Make friends with it. In an attempt to work with it. In the times it hurts more to not share, having him there...even just a little bit to listen, makes a difference. That says something to me. Even when it's the pain of being away from him, or a hurt that he is a part of. His voice. His reassurance. His love and words makes me believe and it eases my hurt and pain. I can't even begin to explain how he can calm my everything.  I know that there is a lot that is kept from me. I know that it may not all be true. But I believe that he loves me. I believe that what we have means something to him and that I mean something to him. So I will believe what he says and that he is doing everything he can so we can be happy together.  Tonight I am holding on to his words and the way he felts wrapped around me. The way we feel together. I am holding on Matthew to the way we are together and a...

To The Man In The Moon- We all have weak moments. I try and remember that. I also try and remember my strong moments.  But I am not strong lately. I am waiting. I am treading water. Waiting for things to get better, waiting for my chance, always waiting on someone or something  else.  I see it now. I keep putting everyone else and what they want and need ahead of myself. I love too hard. And not myself. Cause if I loved myself I would stop waiting for my turn.   I need to take care of myself and my own happiness. I given myself away. My heart. My love.  And I believe. I give my hope. I give it all.  And what I get back is...well it's the promise of someday. When Richard and I got married he needed me to support him and his career so we moved away from my mom when she needed me. But I did it because he was my husband and he needed me too. He wouldn't be understanding about how difficult it was or patient with me when I needed to be with my m...

To The Man In The Moon  - I had several different anxiety issues today.  I haven't had them this bad in a while. I took meds. I tried accepting the fear and identifying the triggers and rationalizing it out. But the truth is, I'm scared.  I have been lied to, abandoned, neglected and hurt at so many delicate points of my life but the people I love the most.  I am trying so very hard not to ruin something that is so very special and important to me all while trying to protect myself, Liam and my fragile heart. I stand to lose so much.  I can't say he hasn't lied to me. But I know that I let him. I fell so hard for this man that even when he told me the truth, I chose to break myself to even have a chance to know what love was. Cause I haven't felt this with anyone.  The thing is, he says that he's making steps and that he knows he wants to be with me. And that it's worth it. And the thing is I feel that. I did then and even more so now. But all this past tra...

I cannot be less than I am. I cannot give more than what I have to give. I dont need to slow down, or hold back. I need to be appreciated for who I am. The messy tears, the girl who gives too much and is needy. I am tired of being the one who has to do it all, figure it all out, and  hold it all together. I am holding it together and keeping all my emotions in check or trying to. I dont complain or throw fits or get angry. I don't demand I patiently wait; I listen, I care, I suck it up. But it hurts. I fucking hate being in this free flow take what you can get place. I want to let down the walls and quit trying to keep it all together. I want someone to let me lay my worries down for 5 minutes and just feel like I am not in this alone. I know that I have something special...or that I have that opportunity to have someone and something special. His fears and my fears fuel each other sometimes and that makes shit incredibly harder. And there's so much ther...

To The Man In The Moon  - Of all the things I thought I could do, could be. All of the things I hqave dreamt and wanted.  Still wanting to be loved...fuck I really thought it wouldn't be this difficult to love me. Words always words. About all I am and have to offer. How special and wonderful I make people feel. How cherished and valued I can make them feel by loving them.  And I am still always the last.... Person remembered Thought In Line Person they lose No amount of therapy where I have had the same conversations about how hard I have tried. How much I have given. And all to be forgotten and used. Ignored. Betrayed. Left.  I have gotten so tired of trying so fucking hard to just count. Be valued. I wanting to be seen and appreciated. I want to be loved. Fuck. I dont understand sometimes what I am doing wrong. I really need you Dad. I really need Mom.  I miss having someone to love me without limits or rules. 

To The Man In The Moon  -  Well I am confused alright. I am also quite broken. Frustrated...check ✔ and lord knows I am sad.  I believe I have learned many new things about myself for sure. Not all of them good. I found as much as I have come to know about myself, I always short change and belittle myself and my worth.  I know how much I have to give and that it is special in a way many others will never know. But every man who I have loved, has never surrendered enough to love me back. Not truly. I dont expect love to be shown or given the same way I love and give love to others. But I have found it difficult to get respect, empathy, compassion and dedication back.  I do do do and give give give till I start to doubt what my motivation is. Am I surrendering my needs for everyone else's? And at what point does that become a bad thing?  I need to be loved as well. I dont want money or things. I don't want 100% sexual favors or whateve...

To The Man In The Moon-   I do my best to stay positive. To have hope. To keep my head up and keep pushing forward. Somedays are harder than others. Somedays it's easier to give everything I have to everything and everyone else.  Today, I just need to get something back.  I can be strong and I can be brave. I can feel alone and still get back up and keep going.  Today I keep trying. And all I feel is used up. I dont want to be understanding I want to be understood. I dont want to love everyone else I need to be loved.  I want to be important. I want to be cherished. I want to feel like what i want and need matters.  I want to have someone take their love and put it into me and what I need. I dont want to be the girl who gives everything she has away and has nothing for herself.  When will I get what I give?

To The Man In The Moon  - I thought a lot about what 76 year old you would be like. I missed so many years with you now I don't cannot even remember what it was like to have you around let alone any idea what it would have meant at this age to still have you.  What I wouldn't do to sit down and have a conversation about your life, love, advice, to just hear your laugh or see your smile.  Why at 40 I am still not sure what a man who truly loves means. Why no amount of therapy can fix what losing both of my parents and leaving me alone in this world has done to my heart, my confidence, my soul.  What is enough of myself to give to someone else? When is it time to say, I fucking matter. You and mom gave so much to each other. You were each others rocks even when you were gone. I never saw that woman not love you with everything she was a single day.  I wish I knew that. Liam was everything I wanted in life. All I have wanted for so long was to give that boy the str...

To The Man in My Heart - You may feel I don't understand. You may think I don't want to hear or know everything. I am not meant to know it all honestly. But I want to know what you feel. The fears and the doubts. The happiness and the excitement. The pain and the struggle. I want to know what the fuel and the motivation and the reasoning behind what makes you who you are. Because I love you. That love comes from something strong and special. That can see and accept you for all that you are and love you because you are flawed. Because all of who you are and what has made you who you are.  Understand please that yes I want you here. Now. Yesterday. Tomorrow. And I can be  understanding and empathize with why you aren't. If you can be honest with me I can be understanding to many things. But don't use it..me and how I feel. I want to make sure in some way at some point how I feel and what I need should matter to. There is no time limit on my love for you. But when you say ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Emotionally and physically I'm just so tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Obviously after writing my post. I woke up feeling better but then it kind of hit me again. HE WHO CANT BE NAMED didn't really talk about it. He doesn't want to know. He likes to ignore this stuff sometimes. Or push it off. I'm not sure. But then I started feeling ill so I had to go lay down and take my stomach meds because I was really getting painful.  It was never spoken about after that.  So I haven't gotten to tell him what is weighing on me. Maybe he knows and just doesn't think we will survive the conversation.  Here's the thing. For every time time he tells me how he feels about me and makes me feel secure that I am what he wants there are 5 more things he says that makes me question whether he is stringing me along until he finally decides what he really wants.  I mean what if  SHE decides she doesn't want him then MAYBE  I will have a...

To The Man In The Moon  - I reached a point when I finally believed that my happiness was important. That pretending, faking it and just surviving was not enough. The last month has been this huge feeling of sinking, or perhaps even moving backwards.  I saw the light at the end of a very long tunnel. But... His light isn't for me. I guess thats not fair to say exactly. I believe he loves me. But I worry that it's the idea of me he loves. I know part of that lies within me and the relationship I have been in for so long. I read something about relationships after a toxic one and it hit home in a lot of ways. But I also think to what my therapist said, if I am so special and loved by him, why hide me and us after everything has supposedly come out. Is the motivation for his self preservation and comfort? Am I investing in a real relationship or the idea of one? Her targeting on the fact he doesn't question how much I love him because I have accepted him fully into my life whi...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am a grown woman wishing on stars, looking for luck and signs and clinging to faith and prayers. I sat under your full winter moon last night. Watched the clouds swiftly moving across the sky. I wished for your guiding hand to help bring my world back together.  Love is something so incredible. The many ways love changes you. Softens things and focuses things in our lives. Patience and passion. Courage against fears. I have seen so much and know there is so much more to discover.  I am hoping I dream of all the possibilities and of all these hinderences falling away.  Of finally ... yeah. Finally.