Is It Ok?

To The Man In The Moon  -
I look for hope everywhere lately. More than I have been looking for answers. I sit with all these questions and doubts until they weigh me down to the point I don't know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking anymore. 
Things said that I hear and quietly file away. Another question that I don't have the guts to ask because I fear the truth almost as much as I fear a lie. 
Too many times to count. Till all I have is the choice of choosing to ignore all the signs and relying on hope to get me through. So I keep on closing my eyes and hoping God will see me through. 
I want to believe so I do but it's costing me. My heart is starting to crumble under the weight of doubt. 
I told myself I didn't want to play pretend ever again. And this hope has felt a whole lot like playing pretend lately. 
Why when he tells me things now more than ever do I feel like it's to keep me going? 
I have cried so much the last two days. My hope is literally disappearing replaced with this feeling of dread of what is coming. 
Part of me wonders if it's because of what I have come to know. My past let downs and failures surfacing and that maybe I am just trained to plan for the worst because it's all I have been given for so long. 
And part of me wondering if it's warranted worry because I have no say, no power or control over something so important to me and my future. 
I had the thought that I don't exist to his world. That his grand plan includes pretending I am not a part of his world until he deems me so. And I cried. Fuck I cried so hard because it felt true. In these moments I hold onto like him saying he's telling everyone e he wants to come here but never knowing because I still am a secret. I feel it. I feel it so strongly now that everytime he tell me or speaks to me about how he told someone or talked to someone about me or about coming here that my excitement starts to turn to a sick ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. 
I feel like I am lying. But is it to myself because I believe or to him that I believe? 
I literally made myself act okay. I started putting on that charade and just did what I could to be what he wanted and needed today because I was too scared to say how I felt. 
And I felt like I needed to, to keep him happy. And I made me feel insignificant and small all over again. 
Even tonight. 
I didn't want my feelings to be a problem. So I put my head down and just tried to be what he needed. Problem being I felt stupid and small for doing it. The same way I feel about how long I did it for Dustin. Pretending and pushing all my feelings down. Making them smaller than what he felt or needs. But they aren't. I feel this way and I can't just push it aside and pretend. I have every right to feel like I do. 
Why does loving him sometimes seem to mean I have to just suck up my pain and my doubts? Why does my emotional turmoil at the situation were are in make me feel guilty ?
Why am I so scared to say, I am having a hard time believing sometimes. Why when all I want is the truth and the realness of no games no lies, no fake love or playing pretend? Is it okay, to struggle considering I have never ever spoken to a single person. Never heard him talk about me or say my name to another person. Never heard him speak the truth or be proud of who I am or what I want to give him. Is whst I am feeling about all of this not the truth? Fear. Fear that it all is going to come crashing down on my head..yet again. 

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