Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  -  It doesn't much feel like Christmas Eve.  I couldn't muster the spirit to put up the tree or lights. I put the flowers on the sconces. I couldn't find the love this year.  I wanted the lights. I wanted something pretty. Some twinkles. But .. I made sugar cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate almond and lemon cake cookies. Alyssa and Natalie were going to come help decorate the sugar cookies but between all the crap going on they never made it. It hurt. I have been fighting to stay well and I really needed them. I need love, laughter. I need something. Soft. Comforting. Safe. Why do I feel like my world is crumbling? I dont think I can tell Matt. I think hes realizing hes unhappy with me too.  I am happy that he and I were able to get Liam the computer he has been wanting for a long time. I hope its good enough to do what he wants and that he is happy. I wasnt able to do anything else. Not much for Matt and nothing for anyone e...

To The Man In The Moon - Its not the complete list, but I think you get the picture. We got it a few days ago. Spotify burns it all down for you, right to the nitty gritty.  I am trying. I am able to say we need to talk. I am even able to try desperately to hear him and I try to ask questions to help me clarify, i try and get him to slow down and think through what he needs to so i am not jumping to conclusions. Im trying to decipher and identify what he says clearly. But its always the same kind of things. Whats going on? What are you feeling? Thinking? Hes tired. I feel like hes just not seeing that hes tired of me. My life is hanging by a thread. And its not even a big thick thread. Its like bargain bin Temu thread. I try and give him opportunities to hear me, see me, understand me and where my mind is right now. But you cant make someone want to love you, care about your thoughts and feelings especially when its the person you say you love most in this world.  Behavior. Ac...

To The Man In The Moon -  I am so lost. Its like I must no longer live inside my body. I visit. And unfortunately when I am in pain...well then I am trapped there.  I was miserable with the way my relationship was. I never gave up. I felt it slipping further and further away and I tried holding onto it. And you know, it occurs to me now, I was going to let him go. I was letting him go. It hurt but it hurt because I knew we wasnt in love with me anymore. I had no idea how bad, but I was holding onto hope that he would see I was giving up because he was showing me he didnt care anymore. But he was so busy loving other women and what they could give him that I couldn't, and now I am seriously wondering why I didnt just let him go.  I had shared or rather tried sharing my thoughts and feelings with him so many times. Hell I sent him a link to this blog. Everything good and bad if he cared I gave him the key.  But does he ever care enough to make the effort?  Has he ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Craft Show - Dip Party and the just keep moving mentality. Thats been life in a nutshell. Matt and I did make some moves forward, backwards and sideways. I do not want to skip over the fact that one night (at sometime between him going to bed and needing to be up for work the next day) I had reached the breaking point. No that's not exactly it. It was more of a resigning, waving the white flag overwhelming need to release something that I had held onto too long, battled so hard against, fought and bled for. I would be lying if I said that feeling is gone, but after going through everything and the need to tell him how much this had ruined my heart so deeply I told him that I didnt want to feel this way anymore. That I didnt want to hate myself for every thought and insecurity he had created. I told him we would find a way through this but not together. Honestly it felt like the first time I could breathe without feeling like my insides were being crushed a...

To The Man In The Moon  - Say Dont Go - Taylor I pulled the trigger on my own heart. It hurt to hope. I am still bleeding, its like this fountain that keeps running dry and then suddenly starts hemorrhaging uncontrollably when his lies cross my mind. So I killed my heart. And my head grew silent. He said he was sorry. But I did exactly as he would have wanted. The same way he made Ashley. He won't say the words. He made me do it. And it makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder which girl will take my place. How have I never been loved by a man? Not one, ever, said I am going to be here, everyday, loving you forever. No one ever fought to stay and just hold on to us with both hands. They broke me and then leave me in pieces as they walk over my shattered heart. How am I so unlovable? I wish I could just blow away in the cold wind.  I've known it from the very start We're a shot in the darkest dark Oh no, oh no, I'm unarmed The waiting is a sadness Fading into madness Oh no,...

How many times have you given up on yourself? Given up hoping, wishing, dreaming? Given up what you need, not just what I want. You're rolling over and playing dead. You fear loving Matt. You fear being who you are so you can love Matt. But who loves you? Who fights to love you? You fought Dustin so many times and for so many years. To figure out what was happening to him, to feel better to, help him learn to love being a dad, to keep the spark between you, to strengthen your family and have the life you two wanted together. You begged and pleaded, you demanded and scorched earth to try and get him to see you, love you, to be there for Liam, to help you be better, to know you all could be better together.  But it was never is enough. Now you are fighting the battle with Matthew. Who has an excuse for everything but can never tell the truth. Who no matter how many times and in how many ways you ask him why, what happened, what can you do, how can you help, he just keeps evading and ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Watched dream a little dream and then Love the Coopers. I think i might have seen it before. Tonight I just broke down. There was just this very Christmasy moment that made me think of the magic the holidays brought. I wonder if mom knew how much they meant to me. Or Grandma.Did any of them feel like I do? Because somehow they managed to make it so magical every year. I hope they felt how much this meant. I wish or I hope that they did. I wish I had an ounce of their magic. I watched and loved  every little thing that they did. Every little special moment. I just soaked it up in my heart. I miss it and them so much it hurts. I watched but I obviously never learned.  I wish I had taken notes from them on so much more important things. Maybe if I had been brave enough to ask them the hard questions and their stories. I know my mother shared so many stories and memories that I also just soaked up. I carry so many beautiful stories she gave me....

To The Man In The Moon- I finally went to sleep about 10:30am and got to sleep till 3 or something. Got to catch the end of the Chiefs vs Colts game. Thankfully we came back to win. That was good to see. I am happy to have a little hope.  Matt was messing with his Magic cards. And then proceeded to playing Minecraft.  Always with eith of those two.  I wish there was more to enjoy than just sitting here watching him do what he wants. I need to jist disengage, stop jist watching amd waiting for him to decide to do something with me.  I jist get on my phone.or play a stupid game on the iPad. Nothing gets done. I mean he did put in a load of laundry but the kitchens still a mess and I am supposed.to make apple, strawberry Rhubarb and pumpkin pies before Thanksgiving. Guess I will clean tomorrow and start pies on Tuesday if I feel okay after my injections.  Fucking hell. 9:33pm We went and got Chinese from Hunan for dinner while we learned to play Mexican Train domin...

To The Man In The Moon-  How do you fix something when the other person denies that its broke? May be I am not trying the right way?  I am so lost that I cant even tell what was right with us. Where the good became this.. almost indifference? He doesn't want to pay attention. I can't find more common ground. When I feel lighter and start to enjoy and relax, he starts getting irritated or bothered. Or tired. And I am not trying to dmsay being tired is the problem, its jist what he says the problem is. Everytime I am asking what's happening and what the issues are he says hes just tired. Whether that is true really depends on what his real answer is. If it really is how he acts and becomes when hes tired or when he just doesn't want to say what the real issues are. Im not sure he doesn't it intentionally. Lying. Deflecting.  It just sucks the happy, or vibrancy right out of me. Even when I try and ask him what's going on  He deflects he minimizes what he is feelin...

To The Man In The Moon- I have been sick. No surprise there. I dont know what the fuck I am doing anymore. I am struggling. I have so many emotions and feelings stuck inside my body, running through my head.  I still feel like hes lying.  Not matter how many times I try and talk things through, none of it rings true in my head, and not in my heart.  I want him but I dont.  I want the truth. But I dont think either of us know what that is at the moment. I look at myself and I dont even know, my eyes, my face , my mouth, my hair, my skin. It all is just wrong. I thought I had love. I thought there was this person, my person. Who saw me. Who loved me. Like I loved him. But he doesn't. He tells me Im beautiful and I close my eyes. I try and believe. But I dont. I see these other women, these other bodies, photos. I hate myself so deeply, for not being enough. All I see all I feel is the flaws, the problems, my illness, my short falls.  I hate myself for trusting him...

To The Man In The Moon  - We shall see. We have been trying to go listen to music for a while. I wanted to see Hazzard County since I figured it would be right up his alley. We haven't made it to see them yet. Lol I thought third times the charm but nope. Its fine. Its just I know at some point we will finally see them and he will think, why didnt we do this before.  Its fine Nights never end up the way I hope/want but at least not always bad.  I swear he yawned so many times and already had to take a break because of lights in his eyes and pissible migraine after ignoring me for Minecraft. Will he ever realize he does that? I liked when we could play together and since it seriously makes me so sick right now let alone watch him play but when it becomes more than an hour or 2 to 3 or miltiple times throughout the day because then it like do I even exist or does he think this is spending time together? Or  am I  stuck scrolling TikToks or scrolling through Facebo...

To The Man In The Moon  - Technically a new day whether i have slept or not. Trust me there is a lot if insomnia and pain.  I didnt talk a lot but I tried to let Matt in. I meant it when I said there isnt anything new I could tell him. Just me spiraling into outer space. But when I asked him why he wanted me and hiw he knows. He said something that gave me serious pause.  Because of how I love him. How I encourage him still, and its how he has never been loved like this before. I have been sitting with it all night. Rolling it over in my head and heart.  It makes me feel like its how I love him and how much I try and help him, care for him, desire and want him.  But I mean of course. Who else would love you and help you and not walk away after everything you just did. Showing me how much you care for me. My feelings and my heart. By having year long affairs and dozens of conversations and photos exchanged between you and all these women.  HES RIGHT.  A...

To The Man In The Moon-. I cant decide on what it says about thing that I have this strong need to be heard, to be seen, loved, acknowledged and that is why I find myself turning here. To you, to mom even though you may never hear or see me or my pleas. And the person I love and need that can see and hear me but doesnt.  I should start making a list for my therapist. Cause even if I have to pay to be seen and heard its better than not having anyone who loves and cares about me. I downloaded ...a couple....😬well more like a few self help books about recovering from affairs, infidelity and even ones on me and why I keep accepting and getting less from those I love and trying to change my mindset and restructuring your emotions and brain because I am obviously doing everything wrong so let just try a factory reset. Because I wish I had no idea of what I need and want so I would be happy with whatever I get.  But I am not sure they are helping or hurting. For better o...

To The Man In Yhe Moon -  Broken - my Spotify playlist Being in this freefall without a parachute is more than my nerves can stand. I cry because I am hurt, I cry because I dont know how to trust him, I cry that he ruined us, I cry because I love him and it wasnt enough. I am not healthy. I am not well. I have nothing to offer this man. Nothing he cant get from someone else. I love him so hard I hurt myself.  There is a cavern in my heart, deep so deep and it feels big enough to swallow the entire universe. My hearts a black hole, sucking everything in, obliterating who I am.  I am trying to hold onto hope.  I decided to get a few self help books on affairs and how to cope. I keep thinking that as soon as I am not well, as soon as I cant love him and have sex with him, when I am broken and sick hes going to find someone else who will. Or he may already have someone else to run to.  I am just so fucking lost. And scared. I'm so tired.  All the doubt and the ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  The Rollercoaster persists. I have whip lash from the way my heart and head view to be the one in control of me.  I know that I love Matthew with all tjat I am. I love him with his flaws. My heart loves him. My heart is also broken. It knows that it was lied to and fooled. And when my head starts thinking through how long all of this went on, well it wants to fight and protect what I have left to love with.  We are having the hard conversations.I want to believe that he would never do this again. But again, this has happened before and this time it is far worse.  I cant reconcile how he can say I make him happy and I am all he wants. Because, well. Its not true. If he was happy, how could he seek out another woman's time, and company. How could he love and care more for these relationships that he say meant nothing and then look at me and be with me. And no matter how much he says hes sprry and he hates himself, I still cant believe wh...

To The Man In The Moon- Yesterday was a an actual date night. And despite the deep pauses it was something we needed. I needed. Overall it was good. With all the bruised soft spots taken into account. Today was different. I kept waiting for something. But it was met with several hard spots. Something definitely more deep seeded. Deeper wounds.  I am definitely searching for something more. He just keeps things at surface level. It feels false. Maybe not false but fake? Nope. There is a word. I am searching for it. Almost like my brain doesn't want to admit it. Its will come to me. If I have to search it out.  Unauthentic. Artificial.  I think it boils down to all things I have heard before. I'm beautiful. When he says it right now, I just think of how many times I heard it while he lusted after Jordyn, or Miranda, or Bree. Its the way my brain wants to quip back when he says I love you, and I'm sexy. I watch these movies, and see all these flags flying. Its al...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Where is the woman who walked away from Richard after realizing we were going in two different directions. I was young and stupid. I took only what I could carry and somehow put one foot in front of the other. I am so happy for him. He ended up right where he belonged. Where is that girl?  Where is the woman who gave everything for 6 years and then married her best friend. Who lost her health but had a beautiful boy and made her one dream a reality. Where is the woman who then had to break the cycle of fighting and crying and miserable loneliness of a lost marriage? Where is the woman who picked herself up and tried to make a little happiness in the mess, to just make her most treasured love a happier life?  When did I become this? I lost all my love for myself. I lost faith in love. I sit and try to look at him and not feel the sinking feeling. When he says I am beautiful all I see is all these women's faces, the photos of their bodies....

To The Man In The Moon-  I know there isnt any special significance in the full moon. I have like other things in my life tried so hard to make magic. To have hope and give romantic notions for things to show me the way, light my path, offer guidance or clarity into my life while things crumble around me. I want to be magical and romantic. I want to feel more than this shit than what I am stuck in the middle of. I feel like I am always stuck, in this body, in this nightmare, alone with all good slowly being leeches from my mind and body.  I am grasping on so tightly that I am trying to find anything to hold onto and never really aware of whether it is good or bad, just holding on. I should take back what I said. The full moon does hold significance. I think its me, that wishes it held more, and perhaps gave as much meaning to me as I try to make it. I want it to give me a piece of you. A piece of love, and family. The piece I have missed since I lost you, and connection that I...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Why did I ever stop trying to talk to you and mom? Whether it was to share something good or bad. I need to keep talking. I need to let all of this out somewhere.All the times I have spent wishing I had someone ai could be real with. How many years? And somehow I am still wishing. I need someone true l. Someone who has only love in their heart for me. Someone I can actually talk to, who listens when my brain is so full of worries and doubts. So many worries and so many doubts.  I've always felt alone. Stuck in my head. I miss being heard. I miss being valued. I miss being important and how I feel being important to someone. I miss being loved. I am alone in this world. Even the people who promised to love me and be there for me to whatever end, lie. I just wish I could talk to mom, you. No matter how old I get, it always comes back to being with out you two. Now I am worried and scared not only for myself but for Liam. Hes been injuring himself ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Listening to: Pieces of Me  Play list of songs that mark certain points in my life. The soundtrack to my soul. The good the bad and the ugly parts  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6vBxCbea495u58f0EilapY?si=WGXLSUQQQIW-YdrBetFTqw&pi=norU5UhKSVu6T Today has been not a good day. I am ill. Its not news to anyone. Its definitely not different than any other times I am not feeling well. Stress, anxiety, cramps, nausea, pain. Good God the pain. And once again any good day or moments are swept away by the anxiety, nausea and pain. I never get answers. I have none to give. Just pain, and tears, more laundry because I have to shower 6 times a day, I cant stay hydrated. This is my life. This is what I have to offer.  So I guess I get it. Who wants to talk to me when I am like this? When this is what I am. I am not healthy. I am not someone to make plans with. I am not the one to build a life with. Sometimes it feels as if I am already gone. Or mo...

To The Man In The Moon -  I have had my meeting with my therapist. No notes this time. Im guessing this wasn't where she was hoping this session would go given that I had to discuss what was going on with me and Matt.  So much for trying to get some mental health support to keep me from getting sick again. Honestly I think I am already getting to a bad place with my bowels. Stress doesn't help anything and how the man I love cheating on me with all these women doesn't make me or my stomach any less stressed.  I am worried about him. I cant help feeling like my health and me not being able to put forth the effort with our sexual and romantic relationship got us into this in the first place and now its going to die all over again.  I keep feeling like I float off into despair and lose contact with my life when I am having these everyday moments with him. This entire year has been a million little lies that have severed my heart strings that were so intertwined with his...

To The Man In The Moon - I have never thought the struggles in life ever end, so don't get things twisted. I haven't written for a very long time. Maybe its because I had someone who I was able to let the words flow from my mouth instead of hiding them in sheets of lined paper bound into one of the many beautiful 1/100th filled journals or on an equally antiquated Blog. *Shock face* Things weren't easy but it was a life together full of raising Liam, cooking dinners together, laundry (soo much laundry), bills, work, and hospitals and Dr's visits of course. I was happy. We were happy. Always trying to do more and get more done. We failed at so many things , but we failed together and we kept trying. But somewhere things started to fall apart. I just wasn't informed. I guess I was supposed to read inbetween the lines that were lies born from his lips. I am sorry. It was over a year....with many sprinkled here and there and which followeda shopping spree that cost us s...

To The Man In The Moon  -  https://open.spotify.com/track/3CWq0pAKKTWb0K4yiglDc4?si=e6wbKLIKQzejGQBlclGQcQ You say, "I don't understand, " and I say, "I know you don't" We thought a cure would come through in time, now I fear it won't Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? I'm getting tired even for a phoenix Always risin' from the ashes Mendin' all her gashes You might just have dealt the final blow Stop, you're losin' me Stop, you're losin' me Stop, you're losin' me I can't find a pulse My heart won't start anymore For you 'Cause you're losin' me Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'? I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick My face was gray, but you wouldn't ...