What Actions Mean

To The Man In The Moon  -
I may have grown up thinking you were perfect. It was easy to do from the perspective of a 9 year old girl who loved her dad. 
I did t hear any of the stories of what made you who you were. I never got to know you as anything other than my dad. The most important man in my life. The one who all others would be compared to. The one I would want to talk to my whole life about why men do the things they do. When I should let go and when I should fight. What's real and what's pretend? 
Roger Whittaker "I Don't Believe In If Anymore"
That's the song I go to when I just need to feel...my dad. You. 
All weekend I have been fighting to keep the faith, to be stronger and not afraid. To see through the pain and the bullshit because I just need 5 minutes of something fucking real. Something I don't have to bleed or hurt for. Just comfort. Like 5 minutes of comfort and love. Care. Concern. Compassion. To be important and loved entirely for who I am and just held. 
I almost wish I didn't want it. Maybe ignorance is bliss. Dustin seems maybe not happy but content...maybe, never knowing how to love someone else so deeply. 
I love Matt. But he makes up these rules as he goes along. And I see him change them to suit what he chooses to share or how it will affect him. And it makes me think how I feel...doesn't matter. 
I'm scared. Cause I'm breaking. Everything that I seem to need...to feel secure or fuck a part of anything...is all too much. Over 3 months ago I thought the best thing in the world had happened. He finally got to come see my life. Meet Liam, see what life with me could be. And so much has happened. So much complicated and messy stuff. 
But he still isn't mine. I'm still unsure if any one really knows about me. But I am told to hold on, be patient and not worry so much. I'm doing my best. I mean I am doing my very fucking best, and I still feel, not good enough. 
I keep fighting. Against all these red flags, against all these voices in my head. Against the fears. But they don't go away. They come back with ammo. The reload and take aim at my heart. I'm holding onto hope. With nothing but his words that it will be worth it. 
And the thing is...I know he's worth it. Or else there is no fucking way I would put myself through this. I try and show him that every day. Everyday! I never want him to doubt how much I love him and want to be with him and make a life with him. That's not the issue. 
What I see and feel back from him...is the issue. The only thing I know for certain...is that I love him. With all that I am and could ever hope to be. And no amount of overthinking ever changes how I feel about him. Loving him, feels right. I feel that in my soul. So I am gonna love him with everything I have and hope and pray he will love me the same. 

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