Letters To The Man in The Moon

I love you. Sometimes too much, sometimes at the wrong times in a hundred different ways that I know we will have to figure out. I have these responses to things that I do t expect and I am still learning how to deal with. Somedays I can not let the shit phase me and other days I'm like an open wound and the slightest falter causes me to struggle. I'm so scared of not doing enough or doing to much and ruining what we have.  I want things to be special. I want to make you feel special and loved so you never doubt how much I love and care for you. I worry about things because there are other things I have no control over.  After talking with Lord Loser I kind of realized we are sitting on two very different sides of things even though we both want the same things. You have been very patient with me and I know it's not easy. I feel like I have been very patient as well even if you can't see it and I understand that.  Most of my fears about things I know won't always be...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am trying too hard..  I have this fear that drives me to do things.. Like if I just do more it will somehow make it work put. Did anyone ever feel that way about me? Am I alone in this make it perfect attitude?  Like if I have what he needs and what he wants that will be the thing that makes it all come true. It won't. In my heart I know nothing I do will be enough. Because if it's real then I am already enough and making myself sick trying harder isn't going to make him love me and want to be with me. I had this thought that as it gets closer things are changing. He is changing his mind. He is figuring out a way to put this and me off. I'm wanting to get out of this line of thinking but..I'm stuck in it. 

To The Man In The Moon  - I am literally beginning to wonder if I am losing it.  I am trying so hard to juggle so much.  I can't keep up. I want and worry so much and I am trying to do it all just right. Handle everything just so. Make things right. Get things done. Myself, my house, my life. I know that it's all preparation for good things. But why am I struggling so hard and stressing so much when I know in my heart no matter how messy it gets if it's right and it's meant to be it will all be fine. Why does my mind work itself up and stress about things that I don't need to worry about?  I know with Dustin I am trained to plan and prepare for all the fights and the bad times. Making sure I am prepared and ready for the disaster that comes. I'm always preparing g for war.  With Matt I am preparing for him to come and I started seeing this excited energy turning to anxiety and fear and the need to make things just so. He isn't like that. I don't know if ...

To The Man In The Moon  - It's a bad moment. I know it will pass. It's a bad day and I know tomorrow can be better.  I am taking hits and trying to remember to stay true to myself. But I falter. It's hard to know what's real and whose sincere. When my doubts and fears start getting thrown at me I forget to fight them. When someone starts validating them and giving them more weight all my strength to fight and my confidence gets shook and I just sit there burying myself deeper in doubts.  Dustin is angry with me. He keeps telling me that it's one thing to love someone and another give someone all the power. But that's not Matt. I know it's not Matt. He may have doubts and concerns but Matt wouldn't...i mean couldn't do that.  My therapist asked me today " if this falls apart, if he doesn't follow through and come after everything, will you be okay with the decision you made?"  "Will you be able to keep loving him and supporting him ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know I am flawed. I am an emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, who feels more than I want and takes on way more than I should. I apologize for being me and I know that I shouldn't have to but I am damaged. I am sensitive. I am also strong. I fight for what I believe and who I love. I accept people for who they are but try and see who they could be. I believe in seeing the best in people even when they show me the worst. I see more than people realize and I let my fear hold me back and say far less than I should. I have a hard time standing up for myself. But I believe that we all make mistakes and i try my best to give the people I love the benefit of the doubt. So I get lied to. Straight to my face. I get walked on. I get taken advantage of. By the people I would do anything for. I try and believe it says more about them than it does about me.  I try my best to be a good person. I don't say things I don't mean. I try too hard and I ...

To The Man In The Moon-  I have been thinking a lot about things.  Myself, my feelings and what matters most to me in life. It a scary feeling to be close to something and yet still so far away. I have always thought the thing I want and needed were very basic things and yet they all have been very illusive.  I want to be a dtrong loving and caring mother and partner. I want to be a rock for my son the way my mother was my rock. I want him to know and learn to love and be loved, to love himself and find confidence in himself. I want love and laughter everyday. I want to have someone to share that laughter, love and the joy of raising Liam with. I have tried so hard to push my own unhappiness and needs back to love and care for others. It's taken me so long to figure out that I cannot make a family or marriage work on sheer will power or by myself alone,  I made mistakes. I still do. And I am terrified.  Of making the same mistakes and ruining something amazing w...

🎶"Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you'd call It's just a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all " 🎶 I realize that in relationships I tend to be the one who chases. I am the one who makes them feel wanted and needed. To give and love them more...but fuck I want to feel that. I need to. Instead of the expected... Love me.  Need me. Want me. Desire me  Do for me  Break me in the best ways Like breaking down my want to please Make me surrender and feel the pressure of your love and need to feel and be with me  I need to be loved too much and too hard. To push all these insecurities and feelings of being  unworthy away forever with you by my side. I need you. I need to just have a minute where I can break down and not be trying so fucking hard.  I need someone to hear me...see me and care that I am not good and just give me what I need back.  I have been down the road of indifference and I hate feeling ignored....

This. I am far too gone and I put myself and my heart at such great risk. Dustin literally asked me aren't I scared. I am I am terrified. I am giving this man everything I can..because I see so much love and happiness with and within him. All contingent upon him seeing that and being willing to take that step with me. Dustin is angry that I just hand it over. He says even if this is everything I want I am not protecting myself. Trying so hard, buying and spending and doing all this stuff when in his eyes I am getting nothing in return. I get it. Being terrified that he can disappear and I would just be left broken scares the fuck out of me.  I keep thinking as time gets closer of all the ways he could change his mind, delay things and keep pushing me..us off. Just me visiting has me tangled up in knots. Will he ignore me? Does it mean as much to him as it does to me? Would he even consider sharing his life there with me? I am so excited to go and I am just as terrified....

A moment seems so fleeting Though it can break you through the years While it can bring hope of things to come It still only comes and goes  Like the tears that dry and disappear  a kiss that only lingers  And your smile that slowly fades When lying alone it's just a thing to remember  Perhaps a hope; a dream of more to come.. Or the fear that its all fleeting and time is never on our side Cause all we get is older.. The wisdoms in the snapshots of moments we hold dear..the future with all its possibilities still so very far and most certainly just unclear. I am struggling with why if things are really starting to happen and I am 2 months away from this wonderful person and I finally getting to be together why I am so worried that it's all going to fall apart. He says I have nothing to worry about. He says there is nothing else keeping us apart. But I am still scared. I am still worried.  I dont know if it's lingering effects of the constant disappointment and h...

I know we have talked about many things over the last week. I know you are going through some very difficult things and it's hard for me to feel okay about saying things because I feel like it's not my place.  I love you. But I have tried to find my place  and feelings about your life and things hard to share. I respect that you haven't wanted that. I trust that you wanted things a certain way and I have tried to honor your feelings and wishes. Today was difficult hearing how painful this is for you. And what I mean by that is I hate knowing I can't help you with the pain you feel.. I know that you love her and everything you two have together is important. I will never ignore that. I dont want you to think I am not understanding to what you are going through even though our situations are different.  My biggest concern is making sure you are being honest with what you feel and what you want and need. I know that you love and care for me. I have been selfish in wanting ...

Honestly..  I can walk away. Even from the things I love the most. I had to give up many things in my life that I thought I couldn't live without. I may be an emotional person but I am resilient. You don't lose and give up what I have in life and not learn to find a way to put one foot in front of the other.  I am flawed. My heart is my biggest flaw. But it is also my biggest attribute.  I accept that there are things I am not meant to know or have. But I know thst something and someone is out there meant for me.  Maybe I was meant to show him love..give him love and help him learn something about love and not meant to be his or him mine.  I dont know any more. Hearing my fears.. put loud fall from his lips... it makes me  I feel like I need to prepare to let him go. I need to make myself accept whatever it is that he needs.  I am prepared to accept that I may not be what he needs. Loving him is the easiest thing I ever felt. It feels so natural. And w...

Mom -  40 years old and I still feel like the little girl who just wants her Mom.  All the things I want to ask.. All the guidance I could really need. You were my best friend. My rock.  I struggle so hard to be good. To be honest.  To be strong. To be something.. I just want to be able to have a real conversation. I want to share my memories and my grief and my pain with someone. To laugh through the tears and feel like while it's not perfect..it's all OK.  I wanted to. I wanted to have that today. A chance to remember all that you are and were. But I have no one to turn to and just let it out.  It hurts to be alone.  I believe you watch over. You push and you laugh at all the ways I fumble through.  I hope you aren't disappointed in me. So many things we talked about that took me so long to realize. So many changes happening in my life.  Matt. A man is wish so intensely you could meet.  My heart is heavy. Today I smiled and I felt like...

When you picture the person you love telling you something you have been waiting so long to hear.. you never picture the guilt and shame you feel.  I am a little scared and worried right now.  Part of me is wanting to cry with tears of joy because..it's real.  The other part of me is worried about him and whether he is alright. And whether he realizes that my happiness comes with my empathy of how difficult what he is going through is.  My happy will never come through the pain of anyone else.  I am glad that something so difficult and trying is being resolved.  My happy..will come when he feels he's ready to be happy for the next journey. The one we will hopefully take together.  That being said i feel quite unsettled by some of his talk. I can't speak for what their relationship was or is. But the absence.. well it make me worry about what he believes and feels. It's hard and I think its why I struggled with his desire to have her be the one to decid...

To The Man In The Moon- I struggle. I am not great at dealing with my struggles. I have been working on myself for a long time. And I still can see things and not know how to improve then in the moment. So I have to process things in my own fucked up way before I can then really focus on fixing them. But watching my son struggle. It kills me. Utterly breaks me into a million pieces. It makes me sad, and so fucking angry.  I am his mom. I want to help him and protect him and give him everything he needs to be happy and successful.  I have failed at that.  I am failing at that.  He is a smart kid. And I know he struggles. He has problems that may never be solved. I just want to give him the support and care and love he needs to be able to help him learn how to manage his problems even if he will always have them. I dont want to hate Dustin for his problems. O have loved him and tried to do just that for him and I failed. I became an enabler who just reinforced the prob...

To The Man In The Moon - I love spring. It's like hope becoming reality. It's like the world around you is waking up and starting over.  Lately I have been looking for hope everywhere. I feel like I have this terrible feeling of impending doom rather than the hope I so desperately need. Instead of waiting for good things..I feel like I am bracing for impact.  My hope is so tangled in things beyond my control.  I keep pushing everyday to handle at least one thing. To keep myself motivated and focused. But I feel like nothing I do makes a difference in how I feel. In fact it seems to make it worse.  I can make all the changes necessary, I do everything I need to do. But when I stop..I'm still right where I was before. And as I sit there with this hole..I just still feel empty and alone.  I am trying to not be hurt by things that hurt me. Worse I am trying to pretend the hurt away. Telling myself that I don't need to hurt. That it's all okay.  But I'm not okay...