Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon - I'm trying to write about the things that bother me. The things I don't get to talk about, talk through. The person I need to speak with is currently sleeping. Seems like a joke. That after everything I am with someone who also chooses to ignore life's problems and sleep. Maybe it's not Life's Problems. Maybe it's just me that they choose to avoid.  Everything seems to end with the same results. I traded one set of problems for a set of similar and technically worse problems. I don't know that I can even handle these thoughts right now.  In fact. Nope. If he gets to ignore me I get too also.  I thought I was worth something. But truth hurts.  Several hours later: I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am a dark cloud. And I don't believe it to be of my own making. Liam is dark and stormy. He's frustrated by things that he won't share. Friends are a part of it, I know. He's not okay. And it's hard to see him being...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I have been through enough bullshit to last a lifetime. I am hardly a model adult. Just the thought makes me laugh and or roll my eyes. I just am so tired. I'm emotionally drained. Physically I am so lumpy, old, crunchy, scratchy, dirty and washed up. I am a fucking mess. I know it. Sometimes I feel less hateful to myself but overall, yeah. Having been through one failed marriage and now at the end of a second one, I can say I am disillusioned. I wanted to grow old in this body as gracefully and warmly as I could. Confident in my heart and soul with my partner who felt the same. It seemed easy to me. To love someone else so strongly that I loved who we were in all our imperfect glory. Laughing through the tears, raging in the dark, softly living our lives together as a team.  I guess I was so fucking wrong? Life is so hard, bills, work, illness, pain, loss, debt, hatred, fear. It seemed to me that having that person who could look through the ha...

To The Man In The Moon- Im struggling pretty hard at this point. I have wanted to write several dozen times but I dont. It all feels like too much. Too much to think about, worry about. Too much to speak or write down. Its heavy carrying it all around. But I dont feel safe. I dont feel heard. I dont feel loved.  How do I speak or write down all these things without putting them into the universe and assuredly bring them to my front door? I cant even talk to myself. So I am just carrying around all this weight and sorrow and fear.  I have been thinking a lot about self love. Since I do not feel loved. I have also been thinking about when I last truly felt safe, secure and loved.  My illness has reared its ugly head over the last couple of weeks. Matt and I have managed to keep me from having to go to the hospital. Today has been better. No vomiting, some stomach pains, and gas pains. My bowels are not happy either. My nutritionist suggested I add a probiotic and magnesium ...