Letters To The Man in The Moon

What you gave me yesterday by acknowledging and talking to me about what I feel meant a lot to me. I talked about it with my therapist today and what you gave me was a piece of power to be less scared of my feelings and needs chasing you away.  I understand or at least try to understand the very difficult position you are in there. I really try not to put pressure on you about how you choose to cope, deal or handle your life. I have tried to keep what I feel about it on my plate and deal with it as much as I can on my own. But loving you, I find it very hard to do because I feel more separated than just by distance because of the situation we are in.  I know that us being apart is a large part of my problem. But its not the only problem. If it were merely distance then visits would solve that. Video chats and telephone calls and knowing when we will get to see each other would make the distance and being apart bareable.  I think a part of you knows that it's more than us ...

Is there a point when it's just right? When I won't feel like saying what I need and want is too much...that it in some way negates the love I am willing to give? Will it always be a sacrifice? His comfortability for my suffering? Will it all balance out? I give. Freely and without hesitation...But when I try and take...it's more of a begging..a plea. I am stuck between saying excuse me...but I'm hurting and need something... and feeling like by doing that I'm not honoring the love I give.

Counting days, counting days Since my love up and got lost on me And every breath that I've been takin' Since you left feels like a waste on me I've been holding on to hope That you'll come back when you can find some peace 'Cause every word that I've heard spoken Since you left feels like an hollow street I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side There must be something in the water 'Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under Maybe I, maybe I'm just being blinded By the brighter side Of what we had because it's over Well there must be something in the tide I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side There must be something in the wate...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Sometimes...trying so hard for everyone else...makes things so much harder on myself.  And when there's no one to see me or hear me or hold me or support me or even just love me for a momen..and ground me... well  instead of getting upset..I give in to the silence. The quiet disregard. Because why keep making everyone else feels happy and secure when no one bothers to make sure I do? There is so much more than this... I am so much more. I am slowly trying to stop this mess. To pick up the pieces and wipe away my own damn tears. Because I am worth it. Dad, I always dreamed of having what you and mom had...or my own  version of it.  But I dont know how to do this.  I wasn't going to write.. my prayers seemed more than enough the last few days.  But as things are stretching on... all I can think about is... All the things I should be doing... And all the ways I need to make my...

To The Man In The Moon - It too easy to forget me. The years I have spent trying be okay. Just trying to make everything and everyone else is okay. It's been easy to fall back into that mindset for the last few months. Cause I am doing just that. Trying to just be okay. Cause I am just waiting..waiting to be happy.  All those fears and doubt..all the many ways I have failed are just taking me over.  I forgot I was fighting to make things better. To be better and to be happy with myself. I started focusing on not fighting just trying to keep the peace again. But it's not my peace.  Love is not all about me being enough for someone else. I love Dustin but he took and took until there was nothing left. My fears with Matt are making me feel like it's all on me. But what he wants or decides isn't on me. I love him. And I want to see what we could have together. I want to see how happy we can make each other. Sometimes I worry so much about what he wants...I have slipped back...

If I believe in this feeling.. If I believe in the hope that someone loves me as much as I love him And it's not real  After all that I have been through and lost To lose him..  How do I pick up the pieces? He doesn't see all I stand to lose and why I am scared. When I have nothing to hold onto but the hope that his words are true and that he wants and will do all it takes (and it's a lot) to be with me.  Am I dreaming?

To The Man In The Moon  - Liam saw his grandpa today. First time in a long time and he didn't even know who he was. I sat and smiled and politely pretended as I always do.  But all I could think is...this is the part that kills me. What Liam will never know.  The love and all the things he and I deserve to know and feel that if I just sat by and quietly surrendered if I just let go then we would never know what life or what happiness could be.  Dustin and I had the conversation several times lately about Liam and his relationship. And him and his mom and dad's relationship. What he sees now based on the way he was raised.  The thing is...I found something with someone I never had before. Technically I still haven't had. And that's where all my fear lies at the moment.   I have believed and tried so hard for so many years. I have settled and made due with half truths and compassion for so long that I fear being hurt by Matt. The problem I keep having is...

To The Man In The Moon-  I'm tired of trying. At some point I thought by thus time I would have it all a little more figured out.  I can accept so much. I am so damned forgiving and understanding. I can  never..ever..demand what I want. What I deserve. Even what I need. My 9 year old image of you isn't perfect. But that's part of why I love the way I do. I remember the perfect image I had of you. The dad I knew who loved me and taught me so much. I never knew you more than that. I dont know your struggles, your failures or mistakes. They don't matter. They made you the dad you were to me. So when I love, its not about how perfect he is. How much we agree or disagree. Whether we love or like the same things. It's about who they are. I don't love someone based on just what I see.  But...I get broken because of this love. Because I haven't yet had someone show me or give me what I need back.  Everytime I believe, that I found the heart and soul that I am lookin...

Whatever it is, you got it.  I'll be the fool and take the fall.  I'll smile politely while falling apart because for some reason I'm the bad guy when I say it hurts.  I'll hold on while the water quickly rises. I'll take the weight and let it anchor me to the way I feel.  The pain, the guilt and the blame for the way I feel.  It's mine alone after all.  I have begged. I have cried. I have prayed and I have fought. What's left but to surrender? I dont want to beg to be considered. I dont want to remind anyone that I am here. That I am something to be fought for and won not an option or another way. I have lost a lot in my life...but I have gave up and walked away from things too.  It's saddest that I just want someone that will first show up.  Sadly I am always going to be that person. The one they all say they want and love. The one they decide once they have a chance with me that I'm not worth the trouble of h...

To The Man In The Moon  - I can say what I want to believe... I can say I have hope. But when I lay down to say my prayers I pray for the strength and the hope I keep pretending to have. What do I have to be scared of? The very thing that's happening right now. The expectation of unconditional love...that I give but never receive. The expectation of blind faith in someone who can't speak the truth about me, what I am and supposedly mean to him... While I wait for him. Wait for him to tell me his plan other than for me to wait for the dream of a better day. I am changing my whole world. My son's whole world. For not even a promise...just a hope that it's real and that he will eventually give me everything I give to him.  I sat for an hour...wondering how I got to this point. How I got to be the other woman who is waiting for the man who says he's going to leave the woman's he's with to be with me.  Because the truth is nothing I feel for him nothi...

To The Man In The Moon- It's that time of year. Maybe a bad time to go sorting through my life to throw out things to try and make way for a new one. Especially when I feel so full of doubt about things to come.  I thought I had come to terms with letting things go. I have had to see myself through so many losses in my life, what is one or two more?  I love Dustin. Letting go of what the love I wish we had was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We weren't perfect but we could have been happy. We had that chance.  But what I needed what I need he isn't able to give me. We had what we were supposed to.  And it led me to Matt. The way I feel about him I have no question whatever hardships or things I have been through it is all leading to him. And it scares me. Because he holds my heart in a way I have never know.  The things we could have.. that potential is scarier to me. Because I have nothing. I have an idea don't, a dream. I dont have him. I don't eve...

Not to The Man In The Moon  - I write out so much to say to you. I delete them all. I am writing it here. Where you can but don't look. I guess thats not necessarily true. You have looked when I told you. You read so much stuff to learn more about things, something in me fears you don't want to know me more. For a long time Dustin was the only one I ever shared it with. But he never cared. And for as much as he has changed, he still doesn't.  You told me I could talk to you about anything. I want that. But you don't talk to me about everything either. And I am not sure whether it's because you can't for fear of things that will hurt me, or that you won't and that also would hurt me. Funny thing is, everything I don't share isn't because I fear it would hurt you. I'm scared of frustrating or irritating you with the way I feel.. I'm scared you'll confirm more of my fears. I I try to have faith in the little you give me. What I have I hold o...

To The Man In The Moon-  being told I am special and wonderful doesn't mean anything to me anymore. What good does it do me to love people who don't seem to care how I feel? What I need just for 5 minutes is to not be fighting to be loved. I just want to feel loved back.  It's hard not to be angry anymore.  I am always the one who has to sacrifice the way I feel or think to make things easier.. I don't want to be nice and patient anymore.  I don't want to always be the one who is understanding.  I dont want to wonder when I get to be loved like I deserve to be loved anymore.  I always do what they ask. I always bend. I always make it okay. But I'm not okay and no one seems to notice or care. Because it's always about how I can love someone else. The ways I love them. The ways I surrender and give love to them to make them happy.  I thought .. I guess I really don't know anymore.  One thing I know and I feel and I can't seem to say is i...

I dont lie to you. But sometimes I cant speak the truth either.  I love you and I believe you love me too. So I feel like you understand exactly what I mean. Being too scared to say the truth to each other and not wanting to lie. So we do this dance...of never really saying what the other needs to hear.  You tell me I have nothing to worry about with you but that's a lie. I have everything to worry about. Because I am in love with you and I want to be with you. And for all there is between us, the truth is I can't. I can't even pretend that your mine. I know you'll say things are much more different now but if I am honest I feel further apart. I know that from your viewpoint that may be true but from mine... well it's a matter of perspective.  I love you Matt. And I respect everything about you and your life, who you are, your choices and how you feel. Lately our communication has been struggling. Because we both are holding things back from each other. Even when yo...

To The Man In The Moon  - For whatever flaws and mistakes I have made, I never ever mean to hurt or cause anyone else pain or struggles.  I see it in Liam the same heart break over disappointment and discouragement. If I do anything as a mom I hope one day to help ease that struggle for him.  I have struggled with it my whole life and it seems to only have gotten worse.  I can't seem to do anything right. I fail so much. The most important people, the things and people I care most about.. I can't seem to be or do what it takes.  I want to believe that all my effort is worth something to someone.  No matter how much I try, I just keep losing.  I keep getting caught up in all these failures. It's all these flaws and hangups that keep being thrown at me.  Of course I am scared. I am quietly faltering and losing.  Fighting to keep hope alive. And not sure if I should. 

To The Man In The Moon  - I am finding it hard to just breath.  I lose hope trading water.  I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture but everytime I think or feel like I am getting somewhere I realize...nope. I am still treading water. It's hard to just see hope and not latch onto it. Not start swimming toward shore. No it's worse than that. Lol it's like I am swimming but not getting anywhere. It's not funny. But if I don't laugh...I will surely cry.  I keep putting on this happy face and pretending it all just okay. But the thing is it doesn't feel okay.  It hurts. Right now hope hurts. Doubt hurts. And this just breathing thing...well it hurts too. I want to believe it's going to be different.  What I feel...it's scares me. Because what happens if...or worse when... and then... It's all the things I pray to never have to know.  It's the ways I want to be good..and special..and all the ways I have always failed.  It...

I have hard truths I save to my phone. There are some I just need to purge. 

To The Man In The Moon  -  I think I would like to take it back. I have very little regrets in life but the times I opened up..and got only silence..  no response.. nothing back...yeah. I think I would like to take it back.  I'm trying. But it feels so much like I am failing. I am not stupid. I'm not some emotional idiot who doesn't see the truth. I'm just the idiot that keeps wanting to believe and trust in the people I love.  I am not gonna make people be anyone or anything they don't want to be. I have loved everyone for who they are. Assholes. Selfish jerks and fuckers. I never made anyone pretend to be any more or less than what they are. And I loved them all for it.  So why is it so important I pretend for them? Pretend to be ok. Pretend that it's enough. Pretend that my pain, my damage, my dreams and needs are less than anyone else's.  I remember mom telling me that I do enough, let someone else do for me. But what do you...

To The Man In The Moon  - I may have grown up thinking you were perfect. It was easy to do from the perspective of a 9 year old girl who loved her dad.  I did t hear any of the stories of what made you who you were. I never got to know you as anything other than my dad. The most important man in my life. The one who all others would be compared to. The one I would want to talk to my whole life about why men do the things they do. When I should let go and when I should fight. What's real and what's pretend?  Roger Whittaker "I Don't Believe In If Anymore" That's the song I go to when I just need to feel...my dad. You.  All weekend I have been fighting to keep the faith, to be stronger and not afraid. To see through the pain and the bullshit because I just need 5 minutes of something fucking real. Something I don't have to bleed or hurt for. Just comfort. Like 5 minutes of comfort and love. Care. Concern. Compassion. To be important and loved entirely for wh...

To The Man In The Moon-  Where you are my Moon, where I seem to lay my doubts and worries, he is my sun. Bright warmth burning away the clouds that tend to form overhead. How his voice, his laugh and his presence seems to push me into that glow. He makes me happy. He makes me want to forget how dark it can be in my head. He's my sun. He's my hope and desire for the better things. For the better me. The happier me.  He hasn't a clue how much he fills my heart. How easily he puts a smile on my face. How much i need him and all he is. I haven't ever felt anything like that other than with my Liam. How easy that love is carried and felt right down to my core.  A moment when I forget how scared and lonely I am. When I feel that thread that ties my heart to his. I'm holding onto to it, onto that hope. That one day I won't feel the need to turn to the moon but instead my sun who will help me live in the warmth and burn away all the dark thoughts and doubts.  And still....

To The Man In The Moon  - I look for hope everywhere lately. More than I have been looking for answers. I sit with all these questions and doubts until they weigh me down to the point I don't know what is truth and what is just wishful thinking anymore.  Things said that I hear and quietly file away. Another question that I don't have the guts to ask because I fear the truth almost as much as I fear a lie.  Too many times to count. Till all I have is the choice of choosing to ignore all the signs and relying on hope to get me through. So I keep on closing my eyes and hoping God will see me through.  I want to believe so I do but it's costing me. My heart is starting to crumble under the weight of doubt.  I told myself I didn't want to play pretend ever again. And this hope has felt a whole lot like playing pretend lately.  Why when he tells me things now more than ever do I feel like it's to keep me going?  I have cried so much the last two...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I know I am a fool. I know I overreact  sometimes. I wrote so much last night about all my issues with fucking spring. Fucking April 22nd Earth Day, Fucking May 5th Cinco De Mayo. Fucking Spring being the most promising time of year and also the most difficult.  I realize no one gets it. I hope they never have to.  I had a dream that something incredible happened and it was just a little piece of hope.  I never expect shit to work out. I have learned to accept life and its ups and downs the best way I know how. But I had this idea, this feeling that when he finally said the words, when the girl who had horrible timing finally got to hear the words she had been dreaming of hearing come from his lips it wouldn't be a joke. It wouldn't be something taken away.  I get it. A joke. It was a big one.  It shouldn't feel like this. All day. All day I felt defeated. And let down. The thing I have wanted and waited for used as a we...