Trying to breath

To The Man In The Moon  -

I am finding it hard to just breath. 
I lose hope trading water. 
I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture but everytime I think or feel like I am getting somewhere I realize...nope. I am still treading water.
It's hard to just see hope and not latch onto it. Not start swimming toward shore. No it's worse than that. Lol it's like I am swimming but not getting anywhere.
It's not funny. But if I don't laugh...I will surely cry. 
I keep putting on this happy face and pretending it all just okay. But the thing is it doesn't feel okay. 
It hurts. Right now hope hurts.
Doubt hurts.
And this just breathing thing...well it hurts too.
I want to believe it's going to be different. 
What I feel...it's scares me. Because what happens if...or worse when... and then...
It's all the things I pray to never have to know. 
It's the ways I want to be good..and special..and all the ways I have always failed. 
It's knowing that for all the wonderful ways he says he loves me that this, this amazingly wonderful special thing we could have..it's too good. He's special in a way far too good for me and that we won't ever really get to be where we want to be. 
If he can't leave, when he can't end things there, if he can't figure out how to pack it all up and take the chance with me...I won't blame him. It will break me. But I will never be able to be angry or hate him for it. 
I'm scared because I know. I know how much I love him. And how much it's going to cost me. Everything
 And knowing this makes it feel like  I just can't seem to breath.

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