Lost in the shuffle

To The Man In The Moon -
It too easy to forget me.
The years I have spent trying be okay. Just trying to make everything and everyone else is okay. It's been easy to fall back into that mindset for the last few months. Cause I am doing just that. Trying to just be okay. Cause I am just waiting..waiting to be happy. 
All those fears and doubt..all the many ways I have failed are just taking me over. 
I forgot I was fighting to make things better. To be better and to be happy with myself. I started focusing on not fighting just trying to keep the peace again. But it's not my peace. 

Love is not all about me being enough for someone else. I love Dustin but he took and took until there was nothing left. My fears with Matt are making me feel like it's all on me. But what he wants or decides isn't on me. I love him. And I want to see what we could have together. I want to see how happy we can make each other. Sometimes I worry so much about what he wants...I have slipped back to thinking being what he needs and wants and how to make him happy is the only thing that matters. Somehow sometimes I am forgetting about what I want and what I need.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired and hurting. 

I am trying while feeling so shitty to pick myself up and remember how I got here.

I wanted to matter. I wanted Liam to matter. I wanted more than arguments and disagreements. More than wishing things could be different. I wanted hope and laughter that doesn't come at the expense of myself. I don't want to pretend to have hope and love. I want to feel it. 
I know how far Dustin and I have come. I know when I was ending things...I was angry and done with sacrificing myself and bottling my feelings because he didn't care.
I know things are different now. But the more I compromise the more I see him fall into those old patterns.
I see the smugness in his face. 
He thinks I am in that broken place. Where he thinks he can say what I think and feel doesn't matter. He says my disappointment isn't from what he isn't doing. It's no longer his responsibility to make me happy. 
I told him it's a slippery slope. 
I have nothing. I have surrendered my heart and I still have nothing yet. So I have nothing left to lose. 

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