Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  -  Dad. I am stumbling. I am lost. This emotional roller-coaster is taking too many turns, and I am lost in these crazy loops.  I feel like I don't know what love is. I am not sure if I ever had it. Or if I had it, I am unsure how I lost it. Did I give it up? Did I simple let it go? Like a balloon in a windstorm that I somehow lost my grip. Was it stolen? By some thief in the night? Did I abuse it? Did it quietly fade away?  I am falling down the hole, back into despair. My body is sick and with it goes my head. I have to see my psychiatrist week and I think I had better ask for some help. I know that its so many factors but I can't tell which is my own hell and which is hell that is wroght on me.  Happiness is this fleeting moment that I cant quite grip. Its comes and is gone before I can take another breath.  Dustin won't even come into the house now when he drops off Liam. I want to have an honest conversation with him. I dont kno...

To The Man In The Moon  - This weekend was the Gem and Mineral Show. I tried talking Liam into going but he jist isnt into it. I dont know if all the previous experiences were ruined for him as the were almost ruined for me? I think I am his problem. But I will always keep trying. And I told him so.  Today we are supposed to go to the Metaphysical Fair  over at Harrahs. I dont have much money but I am trying to make it work.  Matt started Vivance on Friday. He also is on a new dose of Effexor. (I believe)  I had high hopes but realistic expectations. Medicine can help but I have never known them to fix things entirely. At least in these class of drugs.  We had a good time yesterday.  But it was not a good day. I am not trying to sabotage or derail him from this journey. Obviously I am hoping he finds help and relief from the things that hurt, stress or cause him pain or trouble.  Therapy, medication and starting healthy habits is super important n...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am trying to sit and breath through the difficult parts. Be it Matt and I, my anxiety, Liam, the tough moments that always seem so much harder than they should be. I am also trying to defuse when I can.  I am working for my peace. I no longer want to carry the weight of bullshit. I have plenty of problems and issues and I would like to pause and give those parts of me a breath. Fighting is too much. I dont want to fight myself anymore. I want to love all of me. I dont expect others to come with me lol or join in. I just dont want to pretend that these issues and problems arent justified given the things I have been through. I can want to change them but I am tired.of fighting them. I am not stupid.  I have seen too many things to keep letting things slide. It diminishes me and who I am. I have gained weight since October. I have been at war with so many parts of myself that I just didnt care anymore about how I felt about myself. I have been mo...

To The Man In The Moon  - Today I sent an email to the lawyers office that XXXXXXX got. It was as follows. Dear XXXX and XXXX, My name is XXXXXXXXX. I am writing in advance of meeting with you following your prior conversation with my husband, XXXXX regarding our divorce. I have not yet had the opportunity to outline my settlement position directly, and I hope this summary will help us use our time efficiently and work toward a structured and fair resolution. My primary objective is stability for our special‑needs child, XXXXXXX and ensuring appropriate financial and medical security moving forward. Custody I am requesting the continuation of sole legal and sole physical custody of our son due to his significant special needs and my role as his primary caregiver. I remain open to reasonable and flexible parenting time by mutual agreement, provided it aligns with his medical, therapeutic, and educational needs and that appropriate advance notice is given, consistent with our practic...

To The Man In The Moon  - There is supposed to be an Eclipse tonight. Blood Moon. I will have to either stay up very late or get up very early if I want to see it. I tried something today and saged the house to cleanse and get rid of as much negative energy as I can. It feels like there is a lot of things attached to sadness, pain, loss, regret, separation. Lots of negative things holding on. With the Eclipse it seems time to let go and banish as much negativity as I can.  I know there was a lot of happiness here, once. Since I am trying my damnedest to make this house feel like a home, a safe place, I hope that with the best intentions I will be able to change the feel of my home and give me some control and ownership over the insanity that is my life.  I felt so much positivity last week. Not sure why it changed and sucked the hope right out of my heart. So I have been trying to protect my peace. Or whatever it is i have.  I am trying to make peace with myself too....