Letters To The Man in The Moon

Letters To The Man in The Moon -  Wishing and praying for something so hard is something I was certain I had gotten to old to do. To have something come true seems almost unbelievable.  I had a dream last night, that while I can now barely remember any details the fact of the matter was we were together. It wasn’t this amazing crazy dream it was as easy as everyday. It was peaceful and calming and something I never expected to wake up wanting more.  I know I am a dreamer. It’s a reason I love reading so much. My imagination has saved me during my darkest of hours. I remember so clearly a dream I had while I was alone in so much pain. Being in a car with you dad, driving to Bull Shoals, AR. Music blaring as we flew down the highway driving past Heartburn Harry’s a place I couldn’t remember for the life of me before this dream. I was delirious from lack of sleep and pain but I found a piece of my childhood I had long forgotten and it gave me hope.  Hope has been so har...

 To The Man In The Moon -  He booked his ticket. Dustin is horribly upset that I am paying for the ticket but I can’t not do it. I would have paid more just to see him. I know that it’s a bit irrational at times. I really know that sometimes loves makes us do the wacky. But this isn’t wacky.  Wacky is waking up missing him. It’s every time I wish that I could look at him and laugh, or hear him sing or watch the faces he makes as he’s reading something. It’s not being able to call and share something with him. It’s me wanting him to feel the same and need to have me next to him and supporting him. It’s the moments that I don’t get to share.  Having a partner to do things with. Someone who cares about how I feel and what I am doing. I don’t want to be a piece of furniture that is just there. It’s very easy to feel slighted when texting. Distractions and slow reply’s to a subject that the other person is fixated on and the other is miles away leads to so much anxiety an...

 To the Man in the Moon -  I used to love the holidays. Making all our Christmas cookies, the spritz, the sugar cookies, the lemon cake cookies and chocolate almond drop cookies. The chocolate covered pretzels. Every year. My mom and I were known for it. The orange frosting on the sugar cookies that we hand painted every year.  I tried to keep it going. But Liam can’t handle the messiness of it and Dustin can only stand it for an hour and then he disappears and I end up crying alone in the kitchen over the cookies, missing mom and having someone who gives a shit about me. How I feel.  I kind of gave up on Christmas this year. I bought Liam and Matt gifts and that’s it. The only Christmas joy I can summon at the moment is slowly dwindling away as the reality of my Christmas Eve and Christmas is going to be very sad. If I could just hide under the covers till next week. Pretend I am off being surrounded by people who care. Even though I don’t have any of those any more...

To The Man In The Moon-  Dad. I feel like a pathetic fool. When you think you see  the mask slip and you know you should start looking more closely.  call it as it is, or walk away. I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t want to be the dirty secret. What I have to offer is not just to be hidden in the dark.  He says he loves me. That I am a wonderful girl. He tells me he accepts me as I am. He has the right words and he can make the rest of the world melt away. But he also seems to twist the words and it leaves me vulnerable and a mess. Truth but only in halves. I can’t tell if  he is 100% telling me the truth.  He is supposed to come here. Next week. One week. And I am so happy and excited that I am literally hiding my sadness about our last conversation. Because I am scared if I tell him that he’s hurting me with his behaviors and talk about Ashley.. I feel like if she told him she wanted him back, this would all come crashing down around me. I feel l...

To The Man In The Moon -  I’m wrecked today. I feel like an open wound. One that just won’t heal. Every little move makes it reopen.  At some point the confidence I had in my feelings and his started to falter. And I haven’t gotten back to that place since then and it is making everything I feel and everything do feel like I am wrong, like this is wrong. I wish I could trace it back to that moment. Because I want to find the root of this feeling. The feeling that instead of one day closer to being with him, that I am that much closer to losing him.  I am in a constant free fall. Every time I try and get a better grip I feel like a piece breaks off in my hand and I fall further and further away from the one thing I want.  I keep hoping tomorrow will be better and instead I feel like it’s a little bit worse. And I ruining everything? Is it my fears, is it my neediness, is it my desire, is it me? Or is he really not in this with me?  Every single word I am trying t...

 To The Man In The Moon - I am missing mom. I am so used to missing you. Missing her is another thing entirely. Obviously I miss you both. Dearly. I am so alone in this world. I have no family that is real and cared. I have no one but my son who depends on me. All love and support has long passed away. I thought missing the two of you is the worst missing could be.But again, missing him is a different thing entirely.  Feeling like I am sitting on this time bomb that could off at any minute. That it’s all going to end. Crashing down on me.  The potential that we have to be happy and to build a life together is blinding. But the hesitation from him. Is enough to make me break. He changes his mind like a light switch off and on. And back on and off again. I love that he thinks and is intelligent and charming and all the other reasons I love him.  He is my missing peace. My comfort. The man I would like to spend forever getting to know and laughing with.  But am I h...

 To The Man In The Moon - So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me Off guard, red handed now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I I need something else would someone please just give me Hit me, knock me out, and let me go back to sleep I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat I use to work so hard, I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I...

 To the Man in the Moon - I have spent so much of my self trying to care and love for people who don’t care or appreciate anything I do. I moved away from my family to be with a man who could care less if I was happy or not and even less for my family. I was his cheerleader and his trophy and nothing more. So I found someone who had his shit together, who couldn’t keep his hands off of me and wanted to see me succeed. But when I faltered and my health failed and I was no longer the one steering the ship and everything else for that matter well it all came crashing down. I know that having a son on the spectrum is difficult and my health being good and then suddenly bad is stressful but I have killed myself trying to make things better. It seems like that is all I ever do.  See I fell for this amazing guy. He enjoys communication, he can be so sweet, he has a huge heart, and he’s intelligent, and funny. He makes me smile down to my toes. He isn’t perfect, he’s beautifully flawe...

 To The Man In The Moon - Doubt is such a tricky thing. I can be feeling secure one moment and then suddenly be standing on the edge of a cliff the next. Never knowing whether it’s myself that I am doubting or everyone else. Suddenly everything I feel is a lie. The confidence erased and I am just a fool left standing alone. For I am alone. There is no doubt in that. Alone when I am sick. Alone in the fight. Alone in my feelings.  I can’t love any harder than I do. I don’t know how to not give myself to the person I care for. Which means while everyone else seems to be able to hold themselves at a distance from me, I am there with my entire heart exposed and vulnerable. All while I fight my demons and everyone else’s just to be enough.  I am so tired of having to fight to be loved and cared for. I am so tired of offering myself and everything I have just to feel inadequate and not worthy of being loved the way I want to be loved.  I have been strong.  I have lear...

 To The Man In The Moon - It’s a Senses Fail and Brand New kind of day. And it’s just now 12:45pm  I know I love too much. I give everything I have and I lay it out there like an idiot. Sometimes it’s the person I love that breaks it and sometimes it’s just the reality of the situation. Life as it were. I know I want to much. I see it. I feel it. I am not going to be the one. Same and I couldn’t be for Dustin. If there’s something to lose, that’s where I will be. I know it’s being stupid and full of self pity. Which is ugly. Sooo very ugly. I mean I should be thankful I got to feel and experience something amazing. The pain that follows is the part I should be used to. I just wanted the glory of feeling cared for, loved, and desired. But that could never last. Like everything else, it must come to an end.  I can slow down the reading but it’s never going to change my ending.  I’d leave tonight to be in his arms. I would stay forever just to look into his eyes. All I ...