Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon - I learned to love the good and the bad. Both sides of the coin. A person for who a person is. If we can't love a person with faults and imperfections is that really love at all?  I learned love from you and Mom. Fierce and strong. Compassionate and easy. Like the way you two laughed together.  The twinkle in your eyes. Something so strong and real, all my life it's all I ever wanted to see and feel again. See it reflected back at me once again.  I miss having someone who is there for me. Someone who sees me. Appreciate and cherishes me. The good the bad and the ugly.  What can I possibly do if the one man who makes me feel so much more than I thought I could feel doesn't want me?  What if he's so worried about hurting others and losing what he had that he doesn't see how he's hurting and losing what he has now and in the future? I don't want to be the roadkill on his highway to his happiness. I want to be the road paving that way. I...

To The Man In The Moon - Dad, I have been trying to find peace in the little moments. Be thankful for the moments great and small. Finding a way to breath with half my heart in turmoil and stuck in indecision.  I take it day by day. Moment to moment sometimes when the hope starts to fade or the insecurities start playing on repeat in my head.  So many people want to tell me my heart. Want to protect it. I don't need protection. And only one man can provide me with any of the answers I have.  I know that I probably should stop wishing that it was easier. Nothing special or treasured ever came easily. Plus the love comes easily. Like breathing. So yes, I keep breathing. I keep loving him. I give it openly and freely and with all that I have.  The only thing is... I am starting to think.. maybe it's starting to feel.. like I am losing. I am more scared. I feel like I am losing hope. The reality that he didn't really tell her that I mean something to him. That he loves m...

To The Man In The Moon  - Why am I not meant for love that is real and worth fighting for? I dont think I know what true love is. Unconditional love doesn't exist. There are stipulations and rules. There are timelines and agendas. I am inconvenient and trouble. I am hopeless and pathetic. I am in my own nightmare. He stole all the hope,  the faith I had. I can't breath.  All I can think about is him and all the things I wish I could say. The things I wish I meant to him.  I woke up this morning looking for your face till dreaming of the day I would wake up next to you. I never would have thought by the end of the day you would be telling me you are just my friend. Everyday for the last 5-6 months...everyday... you were my smile, my person, my laughter, my fight and my joy. I have longed for you with an ache as if a piece of my body was missing. I have struggled with all my insecurities and doubts fighting my demons to be stronger and worthy of you and your love. I ha...

To The Man In The Moon - Little things.  In moments so small, a comment, a laugh, a joke, a song, a story, a simple thing can make or break you. They can pick you up or break you down.  I have been thinking and wishing for the simple everyday moments. For the little stuff. I feel like I am in a state of perpetual waiting. Wishing and dreaming for someday.  The day I dont feel this ache waiting for all the everyday simple moments.  A happiness that isn't tinged with longing and fear.  Moments I wish for. Simply put.  Mornings, to wake up next to him and give him love and or course breakfast, packing a lunch for him. Just to be able to kiss those lips before he leaves. Phone calls about our day as opposed to that being the only time we can talk. One to figure out what to have for dinner. Back scratches and snuggles. A kiss after his shower. Fuck, me in the shower with him. My hand on his back. In his hair. Those eyes and being able to look at his grin. Watchi...

To The Man In The Moon - I regret very little in life. I know I have made mistakes, too many to count. I make them and I try my best to move on from them and take only what I learned with me. That being said, it's the things left unsaid that I find myself regretting.  I put my whole heart and everything I am into my love. No one can say anything different. That being said, I have only found people who say the same and do not do the same. People who want to use me for my love but not return it.  It used to be a nice feeling to hear what a special person I am. How wonderful my heart is and how selfless and compassionate I am. Now it leaves me with a sinking feeling because I know exactly what that means to people... nothing. Something to be admired and appreciated but nothing anyone wants to reciprocate. I have spent so long getting hardly anything from my partner that anything I want seems unreasonable. So I settle for less than what I need and want. But now I have this amazing...

 To The Man In The Moon - I am more than what I let people make me feel. I have been telling myself that for the last few days. I'm struggling to feel it and believe it but I am tired of being a door mat. I am tired of giving everything and everyone all of me and getting apologies in return. Everyone is sorry. Well maybe I should just be sorry too. Sorry that no matter how much I give, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I help, no matter how much I give, no matter how much I love, or care, it's never enough.  I am no one's priority. I am no one's concern. I am simply here for when they need or want me. No one cares about what I want or what I need. And I am tired of no one hearing me. I kind of quit talking. Quit sharing. I just quit. If anyone actually cared, they can do their part. They can give me effort, care, concern, time, love, compassion.  I am hurt and lonely. I am embarrassed and confused. I am pathetic, angry, and scared. And I am tired of being the...