Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon - I'm trying to write about the things that bother me. The things I don't get to talk about, talk through. The person I need to speak with is currently sleeping. Seems like a joke. That after everything I am with someone who also chooses to ignore life's problems and sleep. Maybe it's not Life's Problems. Maybe it's just me that they choose to avoid.  Everything seems to end with the same results. I traded one set of problems for a set of similar and technically worse problems. I don't know that I can even handle these thoughts right now.  In fact. Nope. If he gets to ignore me I get too also.  I thought I was worth something. But truth hurts.  Several hours later: I am beyond frustrated at this point. I am a dark cloud. And I don't believe it to be of my own making. Liam is dark and stormy. He's frustrated by things that he won't share. Friends are a part of it, I know. He's not okay. And it's hard to see him being...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I have been through enough bullshit to last a lifetime. I am hardly a model adult. Just the thought makes me laugh and or roll my eyes. I just am so tired. I'm emotionally drained. Physically I am so lumpy, old, crunchy, scratchy, dirty and washed up. I am a fucking mess. I know it. Sometimes I feel less hateful to myself but overall, yeah. Having been through one failed marriage and now at the end of a second one, I can say I am disillusioned. I wanted to grow old in this body as gracefully and warmly as I could. Confident in my heart and soul with my partner who felt the same. It seemed easy to me. To love someone else so strongly that I loved who we were in all our imperfect glory. Laughing through the tears, raging in the dark, softly living our lives together as a team.  I guess I was so fucking wrong? Life is so hard, bills, work, illness, pain, loss, debt, hatred, fear. It seemed to me that having that person who could look through the ha...

To The Man In The Moon- Im struggling pretty hard at this point. I have wanted to write several dozen times but I dont. It all feels like too much. Too much to think about, worry about. Too much to speak or write down. Its heavy carrying it all around. But I dont feel safe. I dont feel heard. I dont feel loved.  How do I speak or write down all these things without putting them into the universe and assuredly bring them to my front door? I cant even talk to myself. So I am just carrying around all this weight and sorrow and fear.  I have been thinking a lot about self love. Since I do not feel loved. I have also been thinking about when I last truly felt safe, secure and loved.  My illness has reared its ugly head over the last couple of weeks. Matt and I have managed to keep me from having to go to the hospital. Today has been better. No vomiting, some stomach pains, and gas pains. My bowels are not happy either. My nutritionist suggested I add a probiotic and magnesium ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Dad. I am stumbling. I am lost. This emotional roller-coaster is taking too many turns, and I am lost in these crazy loops.  I feel like I don't know what love is. I am not sure if I ever had it. Or if I had it, I am unsure how I lost it. Did I give it up? Did I simple let it go? Like a balloon in a windstorm that I somehow lost my grip. Was it stolen? By some thief in the night? Did I abuse it? Did it quietly fade away?  I am falling down the hole, back into despair. My body is sick and with it goes my head. I have to see my psychiatrist week and I think I had better ask for some help. I know that its so many factors but I can't tell which is my own hell and which is hell that is wroght on me.  Happiness is this fleeting moment that I cant quite grip. Its comes and is gone before I can take another breath.  Dustin won't even come into the house now when he drops off Liam. I want to have an honest conversation with him. I dont kno...

To The Man In The Moon  - This weekend was the Gem and Mineral Show. I tried talking Liam into going but he jist isnt into it. I dont know if all the previous experiences were ruined for him as the were almost ruined for me? I think I am his problem. But I will always keep trying. And I told him so.  Today we are supposed to go to the Metaphysical Fair  over at Harrahs. I dont have much money but I am trying to make it work.  Matt started Vivance on Friday. He also is on a new dose of Effexor. (I believe)  I had high hopes but realistic expectations. Medicine can help but I have never known them to fix things entirely. At least in these class of drugs.  We had a good time yesterday.  But it was not a good day. I am not trying to sabotage or derail him from this journey. Obviously I am hoping he finds help and relief from the things that hurt, stress or cause him pain or trouble.  Therapy, medication and starting healthy habits is super important n...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am trying to sit and breath through the difficult parts. Be it Matt and I, my anxiety, Liam, the tough moments that always seem so much harder than they should be. I am also trying to defuse when I can.  I am working for my peace. I no longer want to carry the weight of bullshit. I have plenty of problems and issues and I would like to pause and give those parts of me a breath. Fighting is too much. I dont want to fight myself anymore. I want to love all of me. I dont expect others to come with me lol or join in. I just dont want to pretend that these issues and problems arent justified given the things I have been through. I can want to change them but I am tired.of fighting them. I am not stupid.  I have seen too many things to keep letting things slide. It diminishes me and who I am. I have gained weight since October. I have been at war with so many parts of myself that I just didnt care anymore about how I felt about myself. I have been mo...

To The Man In The Moon  - Today I sent an email to the lawyers office that XXXXXXX got. It was as follows. Dear XXXX and XXXX, My name is XXXXXXXXX. I am writing in advance of meeting with you following your prior conversation with my husband, XXXXX regarding our divorce. I have not yet had the opportunity to outline my settlement position directly, and I hope this summary will help us use our time efficiently and work toward a structured and fair resolution. My primary objective is stability for our special‑needs child, XXXXXXX and ensuring appropriate financial and medical security moving forward. Custody I am requesting the continuation of sole legal and sole physical custody of our son due to his significant special needs and my role as his primary caregiver. I remain open to reasonable and flexible parenting time by mutual agreement, provided it aligns with his medical, therapeutic, and educational needs and that appropriate advance notice is given, consistent with our practic...

To The Man In The Moon  - There is supposed to be an Eclipse tonight. Blood Moon. I will have to either stay up very late or get up very early if I want to see it. I tried something today and saged the house to cleanse and get rid of as much negative energy as I can. It feels like there is a lot of things attached to sadness, pain, loss, regret, separation. Lots of negative things holding on. With the Eclipse it seems time to let go and banish as much negativity as I can.  I know there was a lot of happiness here, once. Since I am trying my damnedest to make this house feel like a home, a safe place, I hope that with the best intentions I will be able to change the feel of my home and give me some control and ownership over the insanity that is my life.  I felt so much positivity last week. Not sure why it changed and sucked the hope right out of my heart. So I have been trying to protect my peace. Or whatever it is i have.  I am trying to make peace with myself too....

To The Man In The Moon  - I carry my phone with me all the time. I use it for so many things and still I dont use it for all the important things I could be using it for.  Why is it always midnights and 2am that my brain decides to go over all the things I should have done, all the things I did wrong, all the things I need to do, all the things I need to fix and address in the future. It gets me no where except tired and anxious. My brain just runs and runs and it never gets empty. Anxiety, fever, failure, remorse, the what ifs, the good intentions, the resolve and epiphanys come only when I should be settling down to rest. To sleep. To dream.  I love dreaming. I love that all things have been possible in my dreams. In my nightmares too but they too bring a freedom I do not have in my waking life. I love how crazy and wild they get to be. I am sad that I do not alway get to remember the adventures they bring me. I wonder how some can be so very vivid. And others so unrema...

To The Man In The Moon  - Today was a missed opportunity. For so many things. I didnt get Liam a gift or a card. Last year I paid for him to receive a flower that just said I was proud of him and then they never delivered it. Or he wasnt there the day it happened. Something. I didnt get Matthew a card. Not out of spite. I got him a flat top grill and accessories he wanted. I wanted him to be thrilled but I am not sure it hit the mark. He liked it. He said he loved it.  We are broke so that was the extent of our splurge. I wanted to go see a movie or something but it just didn't work out.  Today, it was the unexpected that sort of made my day. A couple people I follow from high school commented on a post. I truly love that perhaps these people who we have passed through each others lives, see and find something in the simple fact that we had shared a time and through something as chaotic as high school, youth, hormones and yet many years later still see you or are open eno...

To The Man In The Moon - Im 45 years old. It feels so cliche to have a crisis of who I am. It doesn't stop it from being part of what we do, if thats just how we feel. Honestly I think i have had several midlife crisis at this point. Marriages, going into divorces, my health and being disabled. I feel like I dont even know who I am. I am older and supposedly wiser but I dont think thats even remotely true. I have definitely been more wrong in my life than right.  Seeing Liam trying to navigate high school and friendships, the future and growing up... I am not the person I even thought I would be. I am definitely not the mother I thought I would be.  I feel like I dont know my son as much as I would like to. I always thought I would have this great flow of positivity and fun but still always a kind of lame mom who puts structure and discipline into his life. But I am just a huge mess. Mom was never a mess. She was my rock. As things changed and our relationship changed she was ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know that I am not perfect. I am sensitive and moody. Even on my good days. But its getting to the point where I just dont want to keep trying when I constantly feel like I am ignored. 

To The Man In The Moon  - Somewhere in my melancholy I started forgetting things. Maybe having just as much to do with my age as my erratic temperament. Forgetting things, misplacing things, losing stuff, ideas, appointments, time. While growing more and more unhappy with all my other shortcomings. I am desperate to repair the broken places inside me, bot physically and emotionally. How? I haven't the slightest clue. When your only goal is to try and be happy, shouldn't it be easier to do. I know that it comes from within just as much as without or around. I can explain it to myself, understand it and still not be able to convince the little piece inside of me that believes no one anymore, especially not myself.  I am going to try several things and do my best to keep myself open and purposeful. I know that it takes more than just me, some positive thoughts and meditation. I already feel so damn defeated. Another marriage, another person who was supposed to be my everything, a...

To The Man In The Moon  - Is it the cold? Is it my mental sanity slipping away ? Could my hormones be just as erratic as my mood? Is it because of the affairs? Is it self preservation? All I know is the are more parts of me that are hiding than ever before. Dad, I can offer all the different ways for him to see and know me deeper, but I cant make him have the desire or love or possibility interest to take the openings I offer. I dont want to work so hard to be loved. How is everything I have shown him not be enough? Maybe I am too much.  Of a hassle, of a burden, of a problem. I keep trying to share my worries and burdens with him, but he finds ways to avoid it. Is that because he knows he doesn't love me? At some point I will stop giving him the openings, and then I will hide it and walk away. Bury the lie. Bury my mistakes and try and start all over alone.  I tell him I am scared. But does he understand?  I feel like we already lost. I lost.  I guess I know th...

To The Man In The Moon - I am the person who puts effort in when I can with all I can. Sticking with the same lotions, shampoos, perfumes, because I want you to always have a special connection to each and every part of me, and me to you. To the point of doing these things as a ritual of hope that I can spark something deep and warm, comfort and home, love and peace, desire for me in even the difficult moments. The one who always wants you to know that while I do things to myself, they are still tied to the love I need, desire and feel for you. I try and listen, notice, question, challenge and spark the fire and center of who you are, what you think , what you believe, how you feel. Love. That will forever evolve because we do and seeing you and us grow and change is part of that love, that unconditional part that will always want to see, feel and stimulate something stronger and deeper.  I hurt myself to do more, try harder to be better for not just me, or Liam but for us as a cou...