Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  - I carry my phone with me all the time. I use it for so many things and still I dont use it for all the important things I could be using it for.  Why is it always midnights and 2am that my brain decides to go over all the things I should have done, all the things I did wrong, all the things I need to do, all the things I need to fix and address in the future. It gets me no where except tired and anxious. My brain just runs and runs and it never gets empty. Anxiety, fever, failure, remorse, the what ifs, the good intentions, the resolve and epiphanys come only when I should be settling down to rest. To sleep. To dream.  I love dreaming. I love that all things have been possible in my dreams. In my nightmares too but they too bring a freedom I do not have in my waking life. I love how crazy and wild they get to be. I am sad that I do not alway get to remember the adventures they bring me. I wonder how some can be so very vivid. And others so unrema...

To The Man In The Moon  - Today was a missed opportunity. For so many things. I didnt get Liam a gift or a card. Last year I paid for him to receive a flower that just said I was proud of him and then they never delivered it. Or he wasnt there the day it happened. Something. I didnt get Matthew a card. Not out of spite. I got him a flat top grill and accessories he wanted. I wanted him to be thrilled but I am not sure it hit the mark. He liked it. He said he loved it.  We are broke so that was the extent of our splurge. I wanted to go see a movie or something but it just didn't work out.  Today, it was the unexpected that sort of made my day. A couple people I follow from high school commented on a post. I truly love that perhaps these people who we have passed through each others lives, see and find something in the simple fact that we had shared a time and through something as chaotic as high school, youth, hormones and yet many years later still see you or are open eno...

To The Man In The Moon - Im 45 years old. It feels so cliche to have a crisis of who I am. It doesn't stop it from being part of what we do, if thats just how we feel. Honestly I think i have had several midlife crisis at this point. Marriages, going into divorces, my health and being disabled. I feel like I dont even know who I am. I am older and supposedly wiser but I dont think thats even remotely true. I have definitely been more wrong in my life than right.  Seeing Liam trying to navigate high school and friendships, the future and growing up... I am not the person I even thought I would be. I am definitely not the mother I thought I would be.  I feel like I dont know my son as much as I would like to. I always thought I would have this great flow of positivity and fun but still always a kind of lame mom who puts structure and discipline into his life. But I am just a huge mess. Mom was never a mess. She was my rock. As things changed and our relationship changed she was ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know that I am not perfect. I am sensitive and moody. Even on my good days. But its getting to the point where I just dont want to keep trying when I constantly feel like I am ignored. 

To The Man In The Moon  - Somewhere in my melancholy I started forgetting things. Maybe having just as much to do with my age as my erratic temperament. Forgetting things, misplacing things, losing stuff, ideas, appointments, time. While growing more and more unhappy with all my other shortcomings. I am desperate to repair the broken places inside me, bot physically and emotionally. How? I haven't the slightest clue. When your only goal is to try and be happy, shouldn't it be easier to do. I know that it comes from within just as much as without or around. I can explain it to myself, understand it and still not be able to convince the little piece inside of me that believes no one anymore, especially not myself.  I am going to try several things and do my best to keep myself open and purposeful. I know that it takes more than just me, some positive thoughts and meditation. I already feel so damn defeated. Another marriage, another person who was supposed to be my everything, a...

To The Man In The Moon  - Is it the cold? Is it my mental sanity slipping away ? Could my hormones be just as erratic as my mood? Is it because of the affairs? Is it self preservation? All I know is the are more parts of me that are hiding than ever before. Dad, I can offer all the different ways for him to see and know me deeper, but I cant make him have the desire or love or possibility interest to take the openings I offer. I dont want to work so hard to be loved. How is everything I have shown him not be enough? Maybe I am too much.  Of a hassle, of a burden, of a problem. I keep trying to share my worries and burdens with him, but he finds ways to avoid it. Is that because he knows he doesn't love me? At some point I will stop giving him the openings, and then I will hide it and walk away. Bury the lie. Bury my mistakes and try and start all over alone.  I tell him I am scared. But does he understand?  I feel like we already lost. I lost.  I guess I know th...