Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  -  It doesn't much feel like Christmas Eve.  I couldn't muster the spirit to put up the tree or lights. I put the flowers on the sconces. I couldn't find the love this year.  I wanted the lights. I wanted something pretty. Some twinkles. But .. I made sugar cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate almond and lemon cake cookies. Alyssa and Natalie were going to come help decorate the sugar cookies but between all the crap going on they never made it. It hurt. I have been fighting to stay well and I really needed them. I need love, laughter. I need something. Soft. Comforting. Safe. Why do I feel like my world is crumbling? I dont think I can tell Matt. I think hes realizing hes unhappy with me too.  I am happy that he and I were able to get Liam the computer he has been wanting for a long time. I hope its good enough to do what he wants and that he is happy. I wasnt able to do anything else. Not much for Matt and nothing for anyone e...

To The Man In The Moon - Its not the complete list, but I think you get the picture. We got it a few days ago. Spotify burns it all down for you, right to the nitty gritty.  I am trying. I am able to say we need to talk. I am even able to try desperately to hear him and I try to ask questions to help me clarify, i try and get him to slow down and think through what he needs to so i am not jumping to conclusions. Im trying to decipher and identify what he says clearly. But its always the same kind of things. Whats going on? What are you feeling? Thinking? Hes tired. I feel like hes just not seeing that hes tired of me. My life is hanging by a thread. And its not even a big thick thread. Its like bargain bin Temu thread. I try and give him opportunities to hear me, see me, understand me and where my mind is right now. But you cant make someone want to love you, care about your thoughts and feelings especially when its the person you say you love most in this world.  Behavior. Ac...

To The Man In The Moon -  I am so lost. Its like I must no longer live inside my body. I visit. And unfortunately when I am in pain...well then I am trapped there.  I was miserable with the way my relationship was. I never gave up. I felt it slipping further and further away and I tried holding onto it. And you know, it occurs to me now, I was going to let him go. I was letting him go. It hurt but it hurt because I knew we wasnt in love with me anymore. I had no idea how bad, but I was holding onto hope that he would see I was giving up because he was showing me he didnt care anymore. But he was so busy loving other women and what they could give him that I couldn't, and now I am seriously wondering why I didnt just let him go.  I had shared or rather tried sharing my thoughts and feelings with him so many times. Hell I sent him a link to this blog. Everything good and bad if he cared I gave him the key.  But does he ever care enough to make the effort?  Has he ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Craft Show - Dip Party and the just keep moving mentality. Thats been life in a nutshell. Matt and I did make some moves forward, backwards and sideways. I do not want to skip over the fact that one night (at sometime between him going to bed and needing to be up for work the next day) I had reached the breaking point. No that's not exactly it. It was more of a resigning, waving the white flag overwhelming need to release something that I had held onto too long, battled so hard against, fought and bled for. I would be lying if I said that feeling is gone, but after going through everything and the need to tell him how much this had ruined my heart so deeply I told him that I didnt want to feel this way anymore. That I didnt want to hate myself for every thought and insecurity he had created. I told him we would find a way through this but not together. Honestly it felt like the first time I could breathe without feeling like my insides were being crushed a...

To The Man In The Moon  - Say Dont Go - Taylor I pulled the trigger on my own heart. It hurt to hope. I am still bleeding, its like this fountain that keeps running dry and then suddenly starts hemorrhaging uncontrollably when his lies cross my mind. So I killed my heart. And my head grew silent. He said he was sorry. But I did exactly as he would have wanted. The same way he made Ashley. He won't say the words. He made me do it. And it makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder which girl will take my place. How have I never been loved by a man? Not one, ever, said I am going to be here, everyday, loving you forever. No one ever fought to stay and just hold on to us with both hands. They broke me and then leave me in pieces as they walk over my shattered heart. How am I so unlovable? I wish I could just blow away in the cold wind.  I've known it from the very start We're a shot in the darkest dark Oh no, oh no, I'm unarmed The waiting is a sadness Fading into madness Oh no,...