when to fight...when to let go

To The Man In The Moon  -
Liam saw his grandpa today. First time in a long time and he didn't even know who he was. I sat and smiled and politely pretended as I always do. 
But all I could think is...this is the part that kills me.
What Liam will never know. 
The love and all the things he and I deserve to know and feel that if I just sat by and quietly surrendered if I just let go then we would never know what life or what happiness could be. 
Dustin and I had the conversation several times lately about Liam and his relationship. And him and his mom and dad's relationship. What he sees now based on the way he was raised. 
The thing is...I found something with someone I never had before. Technically I still haven't had. And that's where all my fear lies at the moment.  
I have believed and tried so hard for so many years. I have settled and made due with half truths and compassion for so long that I fear being hurt by Matt.
The problem I keep having is the secrets. The lies. It's not what I am. 
I can't help doubting. 
Sometimes I make myself sick with the doubts. I know that the weekends are worse with the long silent stretches. I know that the longer he's with her, the worse it gets. And the longer I am scared of wrecking his life there by loving him well the worse it gets. It's the pretending. I don't want to pretend that it feels okay. But I love him and I make that concession.
I have been angry lately. And sad.
With everything and everyone and with myself.
I am better than pretending. I am better than being walked over. I am better than hurting myself to feel loved. 
If he loves me..truly loves me as he says. He will understand why I feel the way I do and he will make concession and do what he needs to do to also be better for me the way I try and be better for him. 
The way I feel and think is definitely affected by his presence. He is my light. I try my best to support and love him and to find a way to be strong for him. I try to wait patiently for him. I hope he can say he tries as much to be what I need as well. 
I know I am not easy. But I have never given him reason to doubt or fear ... and I can only hope he will fix and mend and chase away all of mine. 
 

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