Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  - How does time move so quickly sometimes and others just crawl and feel like it stands still? There was so much time that just escaped. So much fraught with worries and unhappiness. It feels like it was wasted on tiny things instead of what matters most. I want to feel better. This sickness robs me of so damn much. I want to have all the time spend in pain and sick back. Knowing it doesn't work that way after going through everything with my mother, wishing I had someone who had made me laugh through the tears and felt like no matter how much it hurts its time spent together is something I have needed. I need to make something matter.  It hurts to watch people to love ignore the good moments you have. It hurts to feel like they are lost on them. It fucking hurts. 💔

To The Man In The Moon  - I wish I didn't always get so caught up in wanting things to be more than they are. Always hoping to be better, less stressful, sweeter, always just something more. I am trying my hardest to search for the peace. For the love  I want to exhale. I want to breath deep and feel like I am right where I belong.  Things are so going so quickly. Liam is getting older every second. And I feel like it's all sped up and I am grasping to find something solid and safe. I want a moment that I don't feel like I need to be doing more that it's enough that I am. That it's all okay. That I'm not spinning out of control. That I'm okay.  I keep waiting. And the moments come and go and I don't feel it. I keep telling myself to keep breathing and fighting and doing my best and it's going to come. So here I am...still breathing. 

To The Man In The Moon - What I would rather worry about... Definitely not about whether we can pay the mortgage again this month, not about the electric bill or the water, or the fact that Liam still needs a new pair of glasses, whether I will be able to get up and do the laundry and the dishes, whether I will be in pain and vomiting, whether I will have to fight with Dustin to help with the trash, paying the overdraft fees on his account, figuring out how to pay the car insurance and get Dustin's car tagged, preparing Liam for the next 3 weeks of MAP testing and then trying to get him to enjoy bowling and his last 5th grade experiences like the dance and graduation and then going to 6th grade, being able to go to the funeral for my family member, making it through tomorrow and the next day and not being a basket case trying to smile and not freak out and be stressed  and lose my shit. Worrying that no matter what I'm never going to be able to do enough to make things work out...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Some days seem harder to push through the haze. I had a very rough morning. My stomach was in full effect. I dont know if it was trying so hard yesterday and then all the food and cooking. I  stressed trying to keep up things and I am failing. I am struggling and sometimes I feel like no matter how delicately I express my needs no one really listens. I ask for help, I get told that's all I have to do. It never is. I hear a lot of how wonderful I am and how nice I am. How much I do. But it's never enough to get the help, the....well the something I need. Emotions are running high with Earth Day and Cinco De Mayo and Eileen's funeral. The bills being due, my unable to manage things like I did. I keep forgetting and putting off so much stuff. I can't keep my head straight. I just can't breath right now. My chest is tight. My head keeps getting befuddled. I tried hard not to be so short with Liam. I am failing him right now. I want to focus on...