say something

Not to The Man In The Moon  -

I write out so much to say to you. I delete them all. I am writing it here. Where you can but don't look. I guess thats not necessarily true. You have looked when I told you. You read so much stuff to learn more about things, something in me fears you don't want to know me more. For a long time Dustin was the only one I ever shared it with. But he never cared. And for as much as he has changed, he still doesn't. 
You told me I could talk to you about anything. I want that. But you don't talk to me about everything either. And I am not sure whether it's because you can't for fear of things that will hurt me, or that you won't and that also would hurt me.
Funny thing is, everything I don't share isn't because I fear it would hurt you. I'm scared of frustrating or irritating you with the way I feel.. I'm scared you'll confirm more of my fears. I
I try to have faith in the little you give me. What I have I hold onto. Tightly. 
But I didn't have much faith left before you. I have based my feelings on the actions of others because loving words and empty promises have always failed me. 
Meeting you in Denver, you showing up..when you were worried and scared to fly and well,  with Ashley... I was prepared to meet the man I had fallen in love with and walk away if thats the way it felt like it was supposed to go or if you didn't feel the same. I wanted to know you..see you and feel you and see if that something I felt was real. I couldn't not know. And you were. This was. But when thing happened after you came here and then Valebtines Day... feeling like I was wrong about us but then... things have changed...or so I hope. But that's just it. I hope. And all that fear I keep pushing back, all my doubts..are strong and so is the fear they bring. 
I want to believe and I want to feel and see that it's all different and getting closer. I want to be able to understand and know what's going on. But I am still feeling just as left in the dark sometimes. It feels like a game. I ask and you answer with little answers but never everything. I misunderstand and we both get upset. Or I do. And the funny thing is..I am just trying to understand. I'm trying to love you and do everything you ask of me. I am confused. And yet I am still trying. I just seem to be unsuccessful at helping us talk openly. Maybe it's all me. But I dont hurt my own feelings and I don't say things that make it hard to know where we stand. I love you. I intend to do be here for you and love you no matter what it costs me. And I believe you know everything I feel. Even if you don't want to or necessarily understand it. I'm hurting right now and I am trying my best. I hope we will talk about it. I hope we talk about everything. But if we don't and it's all just me being whiny well then at least I can say I tried to say how I feel. Nothing you don't know. Nothing you aren't aware of. Nothing new.  Because I love you. More than words can say. And you know this. You know I break myself and put myself back together at least once a day because I will keep trying to be whatever you need me to be. 
I know you're more than a good man..You're the best man for me. I want to be the best woman for you too. No matter how many times I stumble..I won't stop trying to be that for you.

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