Letters To The Man in The Moon

It's been a rough couple of weeks. In actuality a rough season. Liam has been struggling so hard. Running, escaping, angry and yep FRUSTRATED. Same kid, fucking SAME!!!! Dustin's attitude and constant fighting to get basic things done still every single day and  I try to be understanding with everyone's problems and issues but FUCK!!! I know that Matt is tired and sore. He's working hard all week and getting up early. I dont fault him for wanting to take a nap or for being tired.  The thing is I don't sit well with empty words. Constant apologies only go so far. I have been worried that my love and my want to comfort and love and make him feel special would start to feel one sided and even after conversations I am left still feeling it.  The other night I had sex with him because he wanted it. He said he felt bad about it when I called out the way he made me feel but I dont feel or see his apology in his actions  He did help me get the dished done the other day but ...

I want to believe him when he tells me that I am his world. I want to believe that this man will love me and love my son and make us his world. I have prayed for it. But. I dont believe he is done with other women. I think that if the opportunity arose I would need to worry. I am his world here. But that's temporary. Things will change. I dont feel secure. I feel like I am a good thing until he finds something something shiny and new and better.  I am never enough. I wasn't enough evem after he decided I was what he wanted so I know I won't be enough now.  Hes a great guy. He's an amazing guy and I am lucky he would even try to make something happen with me.  But I can't trust my heart. I was so sure and now I feel rejected and unwanted. He made me feel so special and wanted and treasured and now I get scared that when he touches me I'm all wrong. That he's comparing me to her and all these other women who want him. I sit and wonder if he talked ...

I hope it's a good day. Though I feel like I am always missing something. I just want it to be a good day for you. You say you're happy but I don't see it. Everything you say you want...I do everything in my power to do and give you. But in the end you seem dissatisfied and unhappy with it all.  You want to do more and I try to docthings with you but then it seems you change your mind and don't want to do anything at all.  I am failing.  I feel defeated and lost. And still you say you're happy.  I wish I felt that. 😪 

To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...

You said to hold on and that we were worth all of the trouble. But you doubted it and us.  I never gave up on you. I never faltered when it came to choosing you.  It hurts that you did and it makes me doubt you now. Whatever you did with her you wanted her. And the whole time I worried you told me I never had to. So when you say things to me about Me being it, being the one... It hurts that I feel this doubt like it's until someone better comes along Didn't sleep with her...technically  Did something you don't do to me and that causes me all kinds of self esteem issues...perfect... All I can think is will he go back to her or find another girl to move on with when I am not enough to keep you happy.. he has so many women interested.. so many.. all I wanted was to love and be loved. All I wanted was to be valued and desired and loved. I feel inadequate all over again.  Fuck me. I feel like puking 

I fell in love with a man. His ideas, his thoughts, his stories,  his laugh, the way he made me smile and his warm amazing soul. I also fell in love with the way he made me feel about life, and myself.  I fell hard for this man. Even when he wasn't in a place to fall in love with me. I didn't know that but even when I did I didn't know how to let him go.  And he has said it is in the past even while part of him holds onto the past as well.  He made a huge choice and did a lot to be here. To be with me and I am trying to hold onto faith and that love that it's still what he wants and not something he regrets. Because it felt like it.  The last couple of days I felt like I was wrong.. when faced with the truth and some of our insecurities and mistakes hes made me feel like us, like I 

I've gotten to this point, where I don't like myself. I try and care too much. I hurt myself trying.  I would do anything. And maybe that's my problem.  I love him. In love love that man and  I loved Dustin to the point of not loving myself enough to stand up and make myself and what I want important.  It's my own fault.  And while I tell myself wanting to be a priority isn't too much to ask, ultimately it always is.  Was I a doormat.  The name may have changed, but I still think I am a doormat.  I feel guilty for being unhappy.  I feel guilty for wanting and expecting to be loved the way I need. That fear I have is because I AM doing the same thing, I AM repeating the same mistakes.  I deserve to be loved. To be desired and cared for the same way I love and desire him.  I deserve to not worry about being enough and have the person I love prove to me I am special and worthy.  Why do I feel guilty? What broken thing makes me fee...

To The Man In The Moon -  Stress level : High Blood Sugar: High Stomach: Issues Mood: Resigned. I'm sure if I needed to I could manage to muster up enough emotion to qualify as frustrated.  Its mom's birthday. She would have been 72. I can't remember if thats how old grandma was when she passed and I haven't stopped to do the math.. I just know I really wish I had those two to talk to. The men in my life get me so twisted up that I can't think straight anymore.  I had this sort of clarity when trying to talk with Matt about what all is bothering me.  Layers.  I had realized it at first when I was trying to determine why anger is so deep.  Dustin has layered my anger and frustration so deep it is not something that takes time to build because it's already so deep and easy to hit on the surface. My difficulty with discussing things with Matt often is because when he asks or wants to discuss what the problem I am having in regards to him and I is that it's not...

It'd hard to try and be confident. I am trying. I am working on myself. I am doing things to feel better about myself. I am trying to feel the part. I dressed up, did my hair. Even put something sexy on for bed. But I only got a little bit of touching. He said he liked it. And if he hadn't have stayed up then I would be getting love.  And I just took it.  Cause what can I say and not look like a bitch?  What can I do but feel not good enough?  He told me how he talked to his friend Sarah and all about Ashley and the things that happened.. on messager or whatever. After that last message to me all I know is he doesn't want me to know something. But I dont even try. I don't want him to lie to me right now and I am trying to let him figure out if I am really what he wants  if this is...but while he keeps saying how great i am I keep crying ever single day.. He sent me a meme that said something about a stinky vagina.  Then told me that it wasn't about me....

I've struggled a lot with this issue lately. It's funny because it was always something I felt very comfortable with. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy pleasuring the people I am with and I very much enjoy someone pleasuring me.  Most of my partners were extremely open and adaptable. And the ones who were not as experienced like Richard were so very eager to learn. I have to say by far he was the most eager partner. Don't think I ever admitted how fucking hot it was when he would beg to touch and taste me.  When I got with Dustin, it's not like we weren't good together it was just always what he wanted and how he wanted. Again I cater to it so it's my own fault.  With Matt, I crave his affection. His touch. To touch him. I enjoy making him feel how much I want and love him. I love to get him wanting and anticipating. But I dont feel his interest or desire to make me feel that. I feel like I'm icky. Or I should just be able to cum on command an...

To The Man In The Moon- I am trying to give myself time. I am trying to give him time. I don't want my past issues to cloud things with him. My problem is the way thing are and are happening are triggering me.  I want to make him happy. I am working on bettering myself and the way I am for us. I try and learn and understand him. I am just feeling a bit left out of all of it.  Like who I am and what I desire is not important.  There is a lot to learn but I feel no desire from him to be or do it.  And it's triggering because that was part of what failed me. At some point I was the only one trying and making the other person feel wanted. And after everything I feel this sort of resentment for not being loved or desired. I have needs and wants. I don't like feeling like my wants and feelings are ignored or dismissed. He wants me to talk to him about it but it's hard because I don't want to put all of my issue on him when we are still trying to figure things out. I am ha...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am a work on progress but damn it I am still pretty awesome. I am struggling right now.  He has given up so much and everything seems so wrong. Between the trip home and now everything that's going on I feel like this is a huge let down. I feel like he regrets everything because of the way things are .. the way I am. I trigger him when I get upset and yell. He gets these horrible migrains. I can't get him his boots. He doesn't want to touch me. He doesn't want to do things with me. He will do things with Dustin. I know there is stuff he isn't telling me.  I push it all down but now I feel it. The distrust the doub and the fear.  I feel like I can't talk to him about it.  I feel like as soon as I try, I am just going g to feel like it's worse. 

I feel disappointment. I feel like I have failed. He says he wants me. But then he never really does. He likes me to want him. I get it. But I am spent so much time being and feeling unwanted. He swears hes happy but I feel like it's not true. He feels different. I feel like I am all wrong. Like it's not what he thought like I am not. All the things I thought we would be likeable, all the ways I thought we would be.. I feel like things are different. Adjustments.  I hope.  I feel like I am bad like I am just...  I want to make him happy but when I can't I just feel like I failed.  He isn't talking to me or sharing things with me. I'm scared to push or ask. I dont dare touch his phone. And that scares me too. I'm not stupid.  I can be as honest and forth coming as I can be but when I know he has lied..does he think I don't know? I wanted there to be excitement or something to be able to figure things out together but it like we are both... lost Thr other day ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know that I am not an easy person. I know that I have edges and sharp corners. But I know how to be soft. I can be just as forgiving as I am tough. I just want the same.  I am lost. I am trying to be myself. I am trying my best to do and say and be what everyone needs. Problem being what I get is not what I give. I'm tired of being looked upon so softly and treated like I am still falling short.  one of the scariest things is the attitude I get from them both. They both will sit on the couch and look at me with the same look. I get words. Lots and lots of words. Lots of great beautiful words.  but I know where empty words lie. And I am scared. I can't say anything without feeling judgment. You know I am who I say I am. Good and bad. I love them both regardless of how much it hurts me. But why am I doing this to myself? Again? Another chance to try and fail? I am still trying. Even when I am hurt. Even wh...

To The Man In The Moon  - I feel too much like the storm right now. All this pent up anxiety and fears brewing...Till I just break down. 4 days till I fly to Seattle. 4 days till I can breath. I'm scared I will wake up and it will all come crashing down on me. I keep waiting to hear it.  It's this fear that I won't let win. This will be more than the fear. More than the anxiety and worries. He is the happiness and the laughter that moves mountains and chases the fears away. And I pray and I hope I am that for him.

To The Man In The Moon  -  How many times can you love people with everything you have and fail them? I know that I am not bad..or good I am just me. I know that I don't have all the answers or even a fraction. I pray to be better. I try to be honest and compassionate and loving. I want to be there for the people I love. I want to be strong and helpful and do everything I can, to fight for them and what they want their dreams and help them get through their fears.   No one has done that for me. No one has had my back. In my times of need I prayed to God to give me strength, to hold my hand. No one should feel alone in this world when the deck is stacked against them.  When someone looks at you and sees all the hurt you bottle up and just wants to help unbidden yourself..after so much it almost breaks you.  I am trying to smile. I am supposed to be happy but instead my happiness and dreams are being called into question and it's making me scared and fearful....

Matt -  I am having such a hard time tonight just speaking my mind to you. I love you so much and I struggle with knowing when to be compassionate and understanding and when to be harder and give tough love.  I suck. But everything about our situation sucks right now. I feel like I am losing it. I let myself be excited and happy and then I realize how much is in the way of being happy. Not just for me but more for you.  I am pushing down a lot of feelings. I am doing it to make things easier and it sucks.  I am supposed to be supportive and loving and understanding.  I know how many times we have talked about things with you and Ashley. And I know how many half truths were told to me. How many times you wanted to make it seem like it was okay and 7 days before you move here..even though your broken up... it's not. The lies are there. I see and feel them.  They aren't protecting anyone. And it scares me that I will never know the truth. Whether it was you or...

There are days i struggle to get up. Today..yesterday...the day before.  With my stomach and the way things are going I am so worried and anxious and overwhelmed all the time that I just start shutting down. I am not sleeping. Then when I do I can't make myself get up.  I was doing so well and now..  I pray about it. I trust in our love, I trust in him. But it's all these other factors I keep worrying about.  My worries for him are all about how difficult it must be for him. Things that I can't help. That he will get frustrated or overwhelmed or too scared and not talk to me. The many many times he likes to remind me that I am such a needy person... I'm not going to leave him alone. I'm confused and scared because nothing I do will be right. I feel like I am going to fail at loving him and being me.. like I don't love him or won't love him right. And now my confidence is gone.. and I don t know what to do.  I can feel myself being extremely hard on me. I am ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I feel like a big idiot today. I am overwhelmed with all the ways I am struggling and instead of bouncing back and taking shit head on I am trying my damnedest not to cry and hide. I'm human. I know I am weak. I know I have faults. I am all too aware of the many ways I fail. But I dont give up or crumble.  I know who I am, so why am I stuck right now? Why do I feel like I need a disclaimer about all the shitty things I have issues with and how horrible I am? All I hear is the things I can't do. All the faults and flaws to the point that I am having trouble just looking at myself right now.  It's like waves of all my imperfections crashing over me. I keep getting up and then get taken down by the next one.  I honestly sat down and thought okay. Let's have it out. I'll make a list of all the ways I am not good. Thinking if I just said it and let it all put maybe it won't hurt me anymore. All the ways I am not good enough just laid in fro...

The tears are falling today. I can't seem to quiet all the things I am feeling today. Tired. Hurt. Anxious. Sad. Needy. Scared. Inadequate. Broken. Sick. Somewhere in the knowing I get lost. When things are running me down.. I just get lost in the chaos. I turn it all inward and just slowly fall apart. I dont want to leave my bed. I dont want to care about anything and just silence the pain. Even for a little while. I don t want to face it all alone. And I want to wait till I dont have to and I can't.  So I am giving myself the night to be miserable. Mad. Sad. Angry. Lonely.  I'll try to get up and fight again tomorrow. But I just can't today.

To The Man In The Moon - I feel like I am constantly holding my breath. I have to keep reminding myself to just keep breathing. I realize most of it is fear and anxiety. I am working through the best way I know how.  I dont want to be an emotional train wreck.  I just could use some sweet loving words to sooth the stirred up emotions that keep wanting to rage around.  But I don't want to beg or need too much  I need too much. Right now. I want too much.  This fear I have of losing him, that sometimes I still struggle to figure out how to let go of. I do really well and then Bam! I am doubting myself and my worth.  I handle the jokes but there is a little piece of me that says there is truth to everything...and he could not be joking maybe he's wanting to throw it out there to see how I react and what it would mean.  See... Self doubt...raging everywhere  He has said to me before he wouldn't do all this and not come. Because how would he look. But ...

I want to be special. In the person I loves eyes. I want to be cherished and trusted, counted on and backed up. I have expectations and desires that I need my partner to care about and prioritize along with their own. Is it too much to ask to be treasured and respected the way I treasure and respect him. I don't like feeling like just a thing.  I saw the many flaws in my first marriage. The anger and resentment, the difference of values and pursuits. I learned a lot about love and myself. He loved me. And I am grateful for how much he loved me and cherished me. If we hadn't been heading in two very different directions things could have been different. But he was headed on his own road and I am very happy for him. With Dustin, I know what his flaws are now. Things changed and it wasn't anyone's fault in the beginning. We both played our parts. I see how the way I loved him changed his life. Someone that built him up and believed in him and wanted greatness for him made ...

To The Man In The Moon-  I fall short. I struggle and I fail.  I wish for too much. Fuck I expect it sometimes. I don't know why sometimes I feel like I deserve so much and other times feel like I am lucky to get anything at all.  I Wanting to be better. Wanting to deserve better. I dont want to feel like I should be thankful that I am though of at all.  I feel less than... I feel like I deserve nothing

To The Man In The Moon  -  I am who I am. And I have always tried my best to be okay with that. I know I can be better just as much as I know I can be worse. I try hard but I get discouraged. I have fight in me that is scary but I can be too scared as well. I keep hearing all the ways I am inadequate. All the ways I struggle. All my issues. All my faults. I am trying to be strong and confident. But as things get closer..all I am seeing is the ways I am going to annoy him. All the ways I am not going to make him happy. I feel small today.  Small and flawed. I need a day when I don't feel and see all the ways I fail. Just for a minute to not feel like I am going to fuck everything up.

Somedays I just can't get out from under the dark cloud. I woke up and was sick. Being without my medicine and my dexcom is not good.  I can't fight Dustin about it.  I also can't fight him to care when I don't feel well. In fact it just makes everything worse. I frustrated Matt several times today as well. Making my day even worse. Like I said. I can't get out from under it. Add to it my fears that I am going to ruin this man's life and I have had several full on melt downs today.  I need to still take care of stuff for tomorrow and get food prepped as I try and make this a good holiday for Liam.  I'm an emotional wreck.  I miss my mom. I am down and pessimistic and doubting myself at every turn. I keep trying to smile and pick myself up and instead...I just find more ways I am lacking. I dont want to fight or be angry but at least then I feel something more than like I am failing and fucking everything up.  I'm scared. And I am even scared ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Sometimes I feel like I am warring with myself. With Dustin I feel like I made a lot of mistakes. As we talk about the things to come we have talked a lot about how different our relationship has become through the years. And I see a lot of things that I did or didn't do or allowed that kind of brought us to where we are now.  It's made me insecure about how I feel and the way I am with Matt. I have learned a lot through the years with trying to make things work. Dustin may not have been able or willing to try to make things work. But with Matt things are different. And in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I just worry that he's going to find he doesn't love me as much as he thinks he does. When he is here with me. That he will feel this was a mistake. Loving someone like I love him, I want him to be happy. Even if it isn't me who makes him happy.  He tells me all the time what he doesn't like and hates. What he can't stan...

To The Man In The Moon  - When I wake up it will be 27 days till I get to fly to Seattle and begin an exciting new chapter. It's a feeling I can't even put in words. The hope and the love that grows every day is amazing.  I met a man. I took a chance following my heart. I felt something so strong and deep in not just my heart but my soul and its all led me to this point.  I'm scared but I am also so ready to let go of all the bad that has happened and grab hold of this man's hand and start living and loving and making the most out of everyday.  I know that its not going to be all sunshine and roses. But he makes me smile through all of it. He makes me feel and want to be and make things better.  I dont know what will come our way. But I am 100% sure that I want him to be a part of my everyday. Of Liams everyday. I pray that God will help us all to find strength in the love and the light we have found. That he helps us to see past the problems and app...

To The Man In The Moon - 31 days till I fly back to Seattle.  31 days till I fly to see Matt and bring him to Kansas City. Bring him home.  I can't imagine how he's feeling. I am honestly not sure if he doesnt talk about it because he's worried and doesn't want to let me know. I can't imagine what he's thinking. I want to ask but not over text. I want to be able to hear his voice.  I have thought about this for so long, a dream imagined that's becoming so real. I have been preparing things and trying to make things just so.  Missing him has become so much a part of my life. But there won't be any more longing and missing him much longer.  I sat and thought about what normal life will be with him. I know it won't all be sunshine and roses. But that's the thing.. I want everyday with that man. I want lazy days where we don't feel like getting out of bed. I want grocery shopping trips and easy laughter. I want his eye rolls and attitude. Lol  I ...

To The Man In The Moon -  If I knew how to be..to do anything more.. to be better, to be listened to, to be loved, to be cared for , to be cherished, to be worthy, to be enough Lord I would do it.  I am doing all that I can and I feel like I'm failing. I am not perfect. I have never claimed or pretended to be. I am flawed and I am a mess and I own it. But it doesn't mean I am not something or someone special. It doesn't mean I am anything less than anyone else.  So why do I feel like I am always going to fall short and never be enough? I'm tired and I am sad.  Wishing I could have some guidance and support and just someone I could talk to so I can lay this down and go to bed.

Sometimes I find it hard to love myself. I don't not love myself but I find it more difficult than I have found it to love others. Finding someone who doesn't use it against me and instead can hold me and make me feel like it is okay that I struggle, that I can be loved with all my flaws has been a blessing I never expected. I may have expected something different out of trip and so did you but the part where you broke through and chipped away at my doubts and fears gave me exactly what my scared lost self needed to feel and see. I hope and I pray that I can or do the same for you Matt. I know that I am not perfect. I know that will falter and struggle with many issues and problems that may come our way. But I believe in you and I. I believe that perfect is an illusion. It's nothing but a lie. Real is what makes it worth it. I want real. Real thoughts, real laughter, real tears. I want you and all the real happiness and hope you bring into my heart. I want to gi...

I am not a Saint. I have a breaking point. I may not like to fight but it doesn't mean I won't. I have spend my life being taken for granted, putting other people feelings in front t of my own.  I thought I had a bad weekend. But today I felt like my heart got punched through my chest. I have put my trust and faith into Matt. I have put my heart and my love into a future with him. I have worried and fretted because everyone I ever loved didn't love me enough to care about my feelings and who I am to ever make me a priority in their life. Matt wasn't like that. He has helped to build my trust and my faith.  It was shaken today.  After a conversation where I felt like I was a problem and that I caused issues because I worry too much, I was basically reassured that hey guess what ..I got lots to worry about.  Heres the things, I can deal with worries. And I know that as I work through the issues and problems they get fixed and dealt with they go away...imagine that. But...

To The Man In The Moon  -  It's been a hell of a rough weekend. Between Ashley having no idea that Matt was leaving in 8 weeks sparking the idea that Matt may choose to not come when he planned regardless of the money and tickets and hotels that have been paid for and trucks reserved, Dustin refusing to get things done and finished or help and get things on a schedule or routine or have an important conversation with his mother.  I feel like I have two people in my life who really are missing the big point. I am busting my ass to make things work and to be honest and have the important conversations and deal with the issues before they become problems but they both deny and ignore in their own ways.  And I am just the idiot getting my heart twisted up. I am in love with a man who has been largely unable or unwilling to let me into his life. He is moving here pretending that I don't exist to some of the people he says are very important in his life and yet he doesn't ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Can't seem to find you tonight. Even while I went for a drive to clear my head.  Dad. I'm taking hits left and right. I am as honest and caring as I can be. I dont always succeed but I hurt myself to stay open with the people I love and care about.  I keep paying the price. I keep taking the hits. Still I remain steadfast and get right back up.  And still I get pushed aside. Taken for granted. And treated like less than what I am. I am breaking. I am scared and I am starting to lose hope. Whatever I do, no matter how hard I try...  I just want to feel it.

I remember how determined and confident I was heading to Denver. I remember how driven and excited and ready I was to meet him and see what was between us.  I remember how scared I was when he was coming for New Years and I felt like he was going to back out and not show up. And I remember how hard it was for me to watch him go.  The two months that followed how hard and difficult it all was, of him not choosing and so much craziness. I honestly thought more than a few times he doesnt want to be with me.  I still feel like I am waiting for him to change his mind. Anticipation is killing me. I can't sleep well. I have been a crazy person trying to make myself better. I am freaking out. I want to shake this fear . But everything over the last 5-6 months has make me question everything about myself. I have made more than a few questionable decisions and I pray I am following my heart in the right direction and not just throwing myself at him.  I am scared. I feel like h...

I love you. Sometimes too much, sometimes at the wrong times in a hundred different ways that I know we will have to figure out. I have these responses to things that I do t expect and I am still learning how to deal with. Somedays I can not let the shit phase me and other days I'm like an open wound and the slightest falter causes me to struggle. I'm so scared of not doing enough or doing to much and ruining what we have.  I want things to be special. I want to make you feel special and loved so you never doubt how much I love and care for you. I worry about things because there are other things I have no control over.  After talking with Lord Loser I kind of realized we are sitting on two very different sides of things even though we both want the same things. You have been very patient with me and I know it's not easy. I feel like I have been very patient as well even if you can't see it and I understand that.  Most of my fears about things I know won't always be...

To The Man In The Moon  - I am trying too hard..  I have this fear that drives me to do things.. Like if I just do more it will somehow make it work put. Did anyone ever feel that way about me? Am I alone in this make it perfect attitude?  Like if I have what he needs and what he wants that will be the thing that makes it all come true. It won't. In my heart I know nothing I do will be enough. Because if it's real then I am already enough and making myself sick trying harder isn't going to make him love me and want to be with me. I had this thought that as it gets closer things are changing. He is changing his mind. He is figuring out a way to put this and me off. I'm wanting to get out of this line of thinking but..I'm stuck in it. 

To The Man In The Moon  - I am literally beginning to wonder if I am losing it.  I am trying so hard to juggle so much.  I can't keep up. I want and worry so much and I am trying to do it all just right. Handle everything just so. Make things right. Get things done. Myself, my house, my life. I know that it's all preparation for good things. But why am I struggling so hard and stressing so much when I know in my heart no matter how messy it gets if it's right and it's meant to be it will all be fine. Why does my mind work itself up and stress about things that I don't need to worry about?  I know with Dustin I am trained to plan and prepare for all the fights and the bad times. Making sure I am prepared and ready for the disaster that comes. I'm always preparing g for war.  With Matt I am preparing for him to come and I started seeing this excited energy turning to anxiety and fear and the need to make things just so. He isn't like that. I don't know if ...

To The Man In The Moon  - It's a bad moment. I know it will pass. It's a bad day and I know tomorrow can be better.  I am taking hits and trying to remember to stay true to myself. But I falter. It's hard to know what's real and whose sincere. When my doubts and fears start getting thrown at me I forget to fight them. When someone starts validating them and giving them more weight all my strength to fight and my confidence gets shook and I just sit there burying myself deeper in doubts.  Dustin is angry with me. He keeps telling me that it's one thing to love someone and another give someone all the power. But that's not Matt. I know it's not Matt. He may have doubts and concerns but Matt wouldn't...i mean couldn't do that.  My therapist asked me today " if this falls apart, if he doesn't follow through and come after everything, will you be okay with the decision you made?"  "Will you be able to keep loving him and supporting him ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know I am flawed. I am an emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, who feels more than I want and takes on way more than I should. I apologize for being me and I know that I shouldn't have to but I am damaged. I am sensitive. I am also strong. I fight for what I believe and who I love. I accept people for who they are but try and see who they could be. I believe in seeing the best in people even when they show me the worst. I see more than people realize and I let my fear hold me back and say far less than I should. I have a hard time standing up for myself. But I believe that we all make mistakes and i try my best to give the people I love the benefit of the doubt. So I get lied to. Straight to my face. I get walked on. I get taken advantage of. By the people I would do anything for. I try and believe it says more about them than it does about me.  I try my best to be a good person. I don't say things I don't mean. I try too hard and I ...

To The Man In The Moon-  I have been thinking a lot about things.  Myself, my feelings and what matters most to me in life. It a scary feeling to be close to something and yet still so far away. I have always thought the thing I want and needed were very basic things and yet they all have been very illusive.  I want to be a dtrong loving and caring mother and partner. I want to be a rock for my son the way my mother was my rock. I want him to know and learn to love and be loved, to love himself and find confidence in himself. I want love and laughter everyday. I want to have someone to share that laughter, love and the joy of raising Liam with. I have tried so hard to push my own unhappiness and needs back to love and care for others. It's taken me so long to figure out that I cannot make a family or marriage work on sheer will power or by myself alone,  I made mistakes. I still do. And I am terrified.  Of making the same mistakes and ruining something amazing w...