Letters To The Man in The Moon

 To The Man Who Loves Me -  Sorry. 

 To The Man In The Moon - No matter how much I think I can handle, anxiety likes to remind me I am not as strong or in control as I think I am. TWO in the last two days.  The one last night hit me and I thought I was just feeling sick at first. Then the racing heart and fear hit me like a train. All this worrying and this uncertainty left the door open and anxiety slid right in. No matter how much I talk about it and write it out, this fear that I have, that I get about whether he is serious about him and I and what that means, or if he is still holding on to wanting something or someone else is taking its toll on me. I know what its like to love someone and not have the same goals. I have killed myself to make something work when the other person doesn't work at it at all. I can't do that again. I'm tired of hearing what an amazing person I am. Only to find I am not amazing enough to be love and cared for and wanted. Because if I am so fucking amazing and wonderful why is ...

 To The Man In The Moon - 🎶  You're just a stone's throw from me But throwing stones could never be The perfect way to start 'Cause sticks and stones make broken bones Empty words make broken homes But it's love that broke her hearts And if I knew what you were thinking I would stop this boat from sinking But darling you are like the sand And you're slipping through my hands I just don't know what you're thinking You're just a photo in a drawer But photographs are not much more Than ghosts we can't forget Just a red rag to a bull You're just a false hope for a fool But it's as close as I can get And if I knew what you were thinking I would stop this boat from sinking But darling you are like the sun Setting when my evening comes I just don't know what you're thinking And I would stop the sky from falling If I knew If I knew And I would love you every morning If I knew If I knew Oh, oh And if I knew what you were thinking I would stop...

 To The Man In The Moon - I had this idea. It was a stupid idea. But I told myself what could it hurt to try. It hurt me. I dont know what I am doing anymore. I keep telling myself to follow my heart and to trust my gut. I have prayed about it. For guidance and for faith. And most of all for patience. In myself and in him. I tell myself to stop making everything so easy for him when I still don't understand where I stand. Why do I trust in him so much? How can I keep offering myself and my life so completely to someone anyone when I am so broken and a mess? Is it any wonder that he isn't here?  I wanted to visit him. Everything I ever said to this man still holds true to this day. I go back and read over some of our first conversations because I miss him so much. The first picture he sent me of where he was going fishing. Still one of my favorite things he has ever shared with me. I go down that whole and I dont want to come back to reality.  He didn't seem that thrilled ...

To The Man In The Moon - Today is one of those throw your arms to the sky and fall to your knees kind of days. My stomach and back are making me worried that I am going to end up with my gastroparesis acting up and my anxiety and pain is through the roof. And once again my own husband will not help me. No glass of water no help with my medicine, he didn't feed Liam, nothing. And then his car won't start and he thinks I am going to go out in the snow to help him? I am always going to be nothing. So I am making lunch and vomiting and pushing through pain again. No matter how hard I try, or what I do, my reality is this. I am trying so hard to keep my head up and believe I deserve better. I know I know self pity will get me no where. I just needed ... I need to feel like someone is here and has my back. I am struggling a lot lately. I know the more I dont feel good the more Dustin becomes resentful and mean. I am trying my best to be healthy and stay positive but fuck. I am tired ...

To The Man In The Moon I feel very lonely. I want to share and talk but i dont have that at the moment. I think and worry so much about how others feel and their happiness . I think sometimes I count myself as selfish if I care about own happiness. I know it comes with being a mom, but thats not it. Its someone caring about me and my life, and my happiness. Its me having to hold everything back because if I dont then there is no one to help hold me and everything else together. I need so much reassurance  and someone to get me out of my head. Its too much to ask. I know I am a lot. My anxiety is through the roof since he left and everything went insane. I spend a lot of time second guessing myself and my worth. My therapist asked me what my biggest fear is that is holding me back. And the thing I keep coming back to is, what if I am not enough? I know I worry about being enough for him. That I am the stupid girl who can't see that he doesn't want me because I am beyond a mess. ...

 To The Man in The Moon -  I don’t even know where to begin. I took my time trying to figure out exactly what to say and how I feel. I have reacted and acted out of emotions and hurt and I have then sat with the things that have happened and I did my best to talk to those still close to me.  New Years and Matt finally getting to come here to KC was wonderful. There is no doubt that I am in love with this man. It snowed Friday so the trip was not without hiccups but inspite of them we had a wonderful time together. I enjoyed being able to share my life with him even if it was for just a moment. He and Dustin seemed to get along and Liam really liked him and keeps asking me when he is going to come back. Getting to know what everyday would look like with him was a gift beyond measure. I hope I get to see his life as well one day. Long distance isn’t easy but not knowing when we will see each other and how we will be together is our biggest issue. Also his flight home or rat...