Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  - I hate not having family. Sometimes it's the love of people you call family as the thing missing but honestly I'm not sure what exactly it is that's missing.  I know that Liam being gone. His first trip without mom or dad. I'm sad thst I am missing seeing all his growth and progress. I miss witnessing the excitement, discovery on his face. I am beyond proud but I hate missing this. I feel like I am losing, have lost so much.  And after this horrible past month I just need things to be better. I need me to be better. 

To The Man In The Moon - I have been stuck in the hospital for a week. And in every moment when I am in desperate need of a moment to find my thoughts and catch my breath there are always more and more people coming to take a stab at me. Literally. When I am desperate for someone to help me they all disappear and I am left struggling. But when I can't fight or be hurt or take anymore pain then it's like they are all here for their pound of flesh. It's maddening. I have cried and fought and soothed and pleaded and begged and prayed and I feel only the opposite of that of which I seek. I'm sure some God or Devil revils in my demise. And I can't find a lick of love left. Especially for myself.  I found the truth to be bitter ans yet I didn't once try to deny it. Whatever fresh hell I find I ultimately deserve to some degree. My existence here is based on flaws. My only hope to put some sort of love and spice into what and who Liam is. When I am gone it will only ma...

To The Man In The Moon -  It was a rough morning. Rough enough to have me messaging Dr's because of the pain. I was getting worried it wasn't going to stop. My stomachs just steadily getting worse again and the medication isn't keeping it at bay.  I however did get the friend therapy I was so desperately needing. Alyssa Tru and Natalie are truly the best. I am blessed to be able to know them and have their support. I hope I am able to be their person of support when they need it as well. At some point in my life I hope all of the people I have loved and cared about are able to feel that in a time of need whether I am still a part of their life or not. I know I am not always great about being able to show up everytime and for everything and I know there are plenty of people who feel the same. We all are hurting and are going through things that keep us from being 100 but it doesn't make it less valuable or important of the times we are able to be there for each other.  I...

To The Man In The Moon -  Earth Day followed closely with Cinco De Mayo and Mothers Day. The culmination of spring. This year is rough. I wish I felt the hope and was filled with a light hearted spirit. I wish that I wasn't feeling so lost. I am utterly unmotivated and struggling to do the most basic of things.  Part of me wants to rage and fight. But I can't seem to find the energy needed to battle. So I just keep treading water. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for me to stop trying so hard tovmake progress and actually make something happen.  Everyday. Everyday I tell myself all the things I could and should do to make it better for myself. And everyday I struggle to get up. To push past the stomach pain and the issues. I know that not being able to control my body and its ups and mainly downs is a big piece of the self hatred and loathing. The part that keeps drowning waiting for a better day. When I know full well that it's not going to go away, not going t...