Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  - I am a work on progress but damn it I am still pretty awesome. I am struggling right now.  He has given up so much and everything seems so wrong. Between the trip home and now everything that's going on I feel like this is a huge let down. I feel like he regrets everything because of the way things are .. the way I am. I trigger him when I get upset and yell. He gets these horrible migrains. I can't get him his boots. He doesn't want to touch me. He doesn't want to do things with me. He will do things with Dustin. I know there is stuff he isn't telling me.  I push it all down but now I feel it. The distrust the doub and the fear.  I feel like I can't talk to him about it.  I feel like as soon as I try, I am just going g to feel like it's worse. 

I feel disappointment. I feel like I have failed. He says he wants me. But then he never really does. He likes me to want him. I get it. But I am spent so much time being and feeling unwanted. He swears hes happy but I feel like it's not true. He feels different. I feel like I am all wrong. Like it's not what he thought like I am not. All the things I thought we would be likeable, all the ways I thought we would be.. I feel like things are different. Adjustments.  I hope.  I feel like I am bad like I am just...  I want to make him happy but when I can't I just feel like I failed.  He isn't talking to me or sharing things with me. I'm scared to push or ask. I dont dare touch his phone. And that scares me too. I'm not stupid.  I can be as honest and forth coming as I can be but when I know he has lied..does he think I don't know? I wanted there to be excitement or something to be able to figure things out together but it like we are both... lost Thr other day ...

To The Man In The Moon  - I know that I am not an easy person. I know that I have edges and sharp corners. But I know how to be soft. I can be just as forgiving as I am tough. I just want the same.  I am lost. I am trying to be myself. I am trying my best to do and say and be what everyone needs. Problem being what I get is not what I give. I'm tired of being looked upon so softly and treated like I am still falling short.  one of the scariest things is the attitude I get from them both. They both will sit on the couch and look at me with the same look. I get words. Lots and lots of words. Lots of great beautiful words.  but I know where empty words lie. And I am scared. I can't say anything without feeling judgment. You know I am who I say I am. Good and bad. I love them both regardless of how much it hurts me. But why am I doing this to myself? Again? Another chance to try and fail? I am still trying. Even when I am hurt. Even wh...