Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...

You said to hold on and that we were worth all of the trouble. But you doubted it and us.  I never gave up on you. I never faltered when it came to choosing you.  It hurts that you did and it makes me doubt you now. Whatever you did with her you wanted her. And the whole time I worried you told me I never had to. So when you say things to me about Me being it, being the one... It hurts that I feel this doubt like it's until someone better comes along Didn't sleep with her...technically  Did something you don't do to me and that causes me all kinds of self esteem issues...perfect... All I can think is will he go back to her or find another girl to move on with when I am not enough to keep you happy.. he has so many women interested.. so many.. all I wanted was to love and be loved. All I wanted was to be valued and desired and loved. I feel inadequate all over again.  Fuck me. I feel like puking 

I fell in love with a man. His ideas, his thoughts, his stories,  his laugh, the way he made me smile and his warm amazing soul. I also fell in love with the way he made me feel about life, and myself.  I fell hard for this man. Even when he wasn't in a place to fall in love with me. I didn't know that but even when I did I didn't know how to let him go.  And he has said it is in the past even while part of him holds onto the past as well.  He made a huge choice and did a lot to be here. To be with me and I am trying to hold onto faith and that love that it's still what he wants and not something he regrets. Because it felt like it.  The last couple of days I felt like I was wrong.. when faced with the truth and some of our insecurities and mistakes hes made me feel like us, like I 

I've gotten to this point, where I don't like myself. I try and care too much. I hurt myself trying.  I would do anything. And maybe that's my problem.  I love him. In love love that man and  I loved Dustin to the point of not loving myself enough to stand up and make myself and what I want important.  It's my own fault.  And while I tell myself wanting to be a priority isn't too much to ask, ultimately it always is.  Was I a doormat.  The name may have changed, but I still think I am a doormat.  I feel guilty for being unhappy.  I feel guilty for wanting and expecting to be loved the way I need. That fear I have is because I AM doing the same thing, I AM repeating the same mistakes.  I deserve to be loved. To be desired and cared for the same way I love and desire him.  I deserve to not worry about being enough and have the person I love prove to me I am special and worthy.  Why do I feel guilty? What broken thing makes me fee...

To The Man In The Moon -  Stress level : High Blood Sugar: High Stomach: Issues Mood: Resigned. I'm sure if I needed to I could manage to muster up enough emotion to qualify as frustrated.  Its mom's birthday. She would have been 72. I can't remember if thats how old grandma was when she passed and I haven't stopped to do the math.. I just know I really wish I had those two to talk to. The men in my life get me so twisted up that I can't think straight anymore.  I had this sort of clarity when trying to talk with Matt about what all is bothering me.  Layers.  I had realized it at first when I was trying to determine why anger is so deep.  Dustin has layered my anger and frustration so deep it is not something that takes time to build because it's already so deep and easy to hit on the surface. My difficulty with discussing things with Matt often is because when he asks or wants to discuss what the problem I am having in regards to him and I is that it's not...

It'd hard to try and be confident. I am trying. I am working on myself. I am doing things to feel better about myself. I am trying to feel the part. I dressed up, did my hair. Even put something sexy on for bed. But I only got a little bit of touching. He said he liked it. And if he hadn't have stayed up then I would be getting love.  And I just took it.  Cause what can I say and not look like a bitch?  What can I do but feel not good enough?  He told me how he talked to his friend Sarah and all about Ashley and the things that happened.. on messager or whatever. After that last message to me all I know is he doesn't want me to know something. But I dont even try. I don't want him to lie to me right now and I am trying to let him figure out if I am really what he wants  if this is...but while he keeps saying how great i am I keep crying ever single day.. He sent me a meme that said something about a stinky vagina.  Then told me that it wasn't about me....

I've struggled a lot with this issue lately. It's funny because it was always something I felt very comfortable with. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy pleasuring the people I am with and I very much enjoy someone pleasuring me.  Most of my partners were extremely open and adaptable. And the ones who were not as experienced like Richard were so very eager to learn. I have to say by far he was the most eager partner. Don't think I ever admitted how fucking hot it was when he would beg to touch and taste me.  When I got with Dustin, it's not like we weren't good together it was just always what he wanted and how he wanted. Again I cater to it so it's my own fault.  With Matt, I crave his affection. His touch. To touch him. I enjoy making him feel how much I want and love him. I love to get him wanting and anticipating. But I dont feel his interest or desire to make me feel that. I feel like I'm icky. Or I should just be able to cum on command an...

To The Man In The Moon- I am trying to give myself time. I am trying to give him time. I don't want my past issues to cloud things with him. My problem is the way thing are and are happening are triggering me.  I want to make him happy. I am working on bettering myself and the way I am for us. I try and learn and understand him. I am just feeling a bit left out of all of it.  Like who I am and what I desire is not important.  There is a lot to learn but I feel no desire from him to be or do it.  And it's triggering because that was part of what failed me. At some point I was the only one trying and making the other person feel wanted. And after everything I feel this sort of resentment for not being loved or desired. I have needs and wants. I don't like feeling like my wants and feelings are ignored or dismissed. He wants me to talk to him about it but it's hard because I don't want to put all of my issue on him when we are still trying to figure things out. I am ha...