Letters To The Man in The Moon

Letters To The Man in The Moon -  Wishing and praying for something so hard is something I was certain I had gotten to old to do. To have something come true seems almost unbelievable.  I had a dream last night, that while I can now barely remember any details the fact of the matter was we were together. It wasn’t this amazing crazy dream it was as easy as everyday. It was peaceful and calming and something I never expected to wake up wanting more.  I know I am a dreamer. It’s a reason I love reading so much. My imagination has saved me during my darkest of hours. I remember so clearly a dream I had while I was alone in so much pain. Being in a car with you dad, driving to Bull Shoals, AR. Music blaring as we flew down the highway driving past Heartburn Harry’s a place I couldn’t remember for the life of me before this dream. I was delirious from lack of sleep and pain but I found a piece of my childhood I had long forgotten and it gave me hope.  Hope has been so har...

 To The Man In The Moon -  He booked his ticket. Dustin is horribly upset that I am paying for the ticket but I can’t not do it. I would have paid more just to see him. I know that it’s a bit irrational at times. I really know that sometimes loves makes us do the wacky. But this isn’t wacky.  Wacky is waking up missing him. It’s every time I wish that I could look at him and laugh, or hear him sing or watch the faces he makes as he’s reading something. It’s not being able to call and share something with him. It’s me wanting him to feel the same and need to have me next to him and supporting him. It’s the moments that I don’t get to share.  Having a partner to do things with. Someone who cares about how I feel and what I am doing. I don’t want to be a piece of furniture that is just there. It’s very easy to feel slighted when texting. Distractions and slow reply’s to a subject that the other person is fixated on and the other is miles away leads to so much anxiety an...

 To the Man in the Moon -  I used to love the holidays. Making all our Christmas cookies, the spritz, the sugar cookies, the lemon cake cookies and chocolate almond drop cookies. The chocolate covered pretzels. Every year. My mom and I were known for it. The orange frosting on the sugar cookies that we hand painted every year.  I tried to keep it going. But Liam can’t handle the messiness of it and Dustin can only stand it for an hour and then he disappears and I end up crying alone in the kitchen over the cookies, missing mom and having someone who gives a shit about me. How I feel.  I kind of gave up on Christmas this year. I bought Liam and Matt gifts and that’s it. The only Christmas joy I can summon at the moment is slowly dwindling away as the reality of my Christmas Eve and Christmas is going to be very sad. If I could just hide under the covers till next week. Pretend I am off being surrounded by people who care. Even though I don’t have any of those any more...

To The Man In The Moon-  Dad. I feel like a pathetic fool. When you think you see  the mask slip and you know you should start looking more closely.  call it as it is, or walk away. I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t want to be the dirty secret. What I have to offer is not just to be hidden in the dark.  He says he loves me. That I am a wonderful girl. He tells me he accepts me as I am. He has the right words and he can make the rest of the world melt away. But he also seems to twist the words and it leaves me vulnerable and a mess. Truth but only in halves. I can’t tell if  he is 100% telling me the truth.  He is supposed to come here. Next week. One week. And I am so happy and excited that I am literally hiding my sadness about our last conversation. Because I am scared if I tell him that he’s hurting me with his behaviors and talk about Ashley.. I feel like if she told him she wanted him back, this would all come crashing down around me. I feel l...

To The Man In The Moon -  I’m wrecked today. I feel like an open wound. One that just won’t heal. Every little move makes it reopen.  At some point the confidence I had in my feelings and his started to falter. And I haven’t gotten back to that place since then and it is making everything I feel and everything do feel like I am wrong, like this is wrong. I wish I could trace it back to that moment. Because I want to find the root of this feeling. The feeling that instead of one day closer to being with him, that I am that much closer to losing him.  I am in a constant free fall. Every time I try and get a better grip I feel like a piece breaks off in my hand and I fall further and further away from the one thing I want.  I keep hoping tomorrow will be better and instead I feel like it’s a little bit worse. And I ruining everything? Is it my fears, is it my neediness, is it my desire, is it me? Or is he really not in this with me?  Every single word I am trying t...

 To The Man In The Moon - I am missing mom. I am so used to missing you. Missing her is another thing entirely. Obviously I miss you both. Dearly. I am so alone in this world. I have no family that is real and cared. I have no one but my son who depends on me. All love and support has long passed away. I thought missing the two of you is the worst missing could be.But again, missing him is a different thing entirely.  Feeling like I am sitting on this time bomb that could off at any minute. That it’s all going to end. Crashing down on me.  The potential that we have to be happy and to build a life together is blinding. But the hesitation from him. Is enough to make me break. He changes his mind like a light switch off and on. And back on and off again. I love that he thinks and is intelligent and charming and all the other reasons I love him.  He is my missing peace. My comfort. The man I would like to spend forever getting to know and laughing with.  But am I h...

 To The Man In The Moon - So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me Off guard, red handed now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I I need something else would someone please just give me Hit me, knock me out, and let me go back to sleep I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat I use to work so hard, I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I...

 To the Man in the Moon - I have spent so much of my self trying to care and love for people who don’t care or appreciate anything I do. I moved away from my family to be with a man who could care less if I was happy or not and even less for my family. I was his cheerleader and his trophy and nothing more. So I found someone who had his shit together, who couldn’t keep his hands off of me and wanted to see me succeed. But when I faltered and my health failed and I was no longer the one steering the ship and everything else for that matter well it all came crashing down. I know that having a son on the spectrum is difficult and my health being good and then suddenly bad is stressful but I have killed myself trying to make things better. It seems like that is all I ever do.  See I fell for this amazing guy. He enjoys communication, he can be so sweet, he has a huge heart, and he’s intelligent, and funny. He makes me smile down to my toes. He isn’t perfect, he’s beautifully flawe...

 To The Man In The Moon - Doubt is such a tricky thing. I can be feeling secure one moment and then suddenly be standing on the edge of a cliff the next. Never knowing whether it’s myself that I am doubting or everyone else. Suddenly everything I feel is a lie. The confidence erased and I am just a fool left standing alone. For I am alone. There is no doubt in that. Alone when I am sick. Alone in the fight. Alone in my feelings.  I can’t love any harder than I do. I don’t know how to not give myself to the person I care for. Which means while everyone else seems to be able to hold themselves at a distance from me, I am there with my entire heart exposed and vulnerable. All while I fight my demons and everyone else’s just to be enough.  I am so tired of having to fight to be loved and cared for. I am so tired of offering myself and everything I have just to feel inadequate and not worthy of being loved the way I want to be loved.  I have been strong.  I have lear...

 To The Man In The Moon - It’s a Senses Fail and Brand New kind of day. And it’s just now 12:45pm  I know I love too much. I give everything I have and I lay it out there like an idiot. Sometimes it’s the person I love that breaks it and sometimes it’s just the reality of the situation. Life as it were. I know I want to much. I see it. I feel it. I am not going to be the one. Same and I couldn’t be for Dustin. If there’s something to lose, that’s where I will be. I know it’s being stupid and full of self pity. Which is ugly. Sooo very ugly. I mean I should be thankful I got to feel and experience something amazing. The pain that follows is the part I should be used to. I just wanted the glory of feeling cared for, loved, and desired. But that could never last. Like everything else, it must come to an end.  I can slow down the reading but it’s never going to change my ending.  I’d leave tonight to be in his arms. I would stay forever just to look into his eyes. All I ...

 To The Man In The Moon -  Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays. Growing up with my family gathering, football in grandmas backyard, fighting with the cousins, and being taught how to hold my own with the boys. My moms stuffing and German Potato Salad. Driving around the plaza to see the lights and the luminaries in the Volker neighborhood. Traditions and family.  I tried my best to carry all those important things into my marriage and provide them for the child. I spent years fighting him to do anything for our family. Every holiday was another disappointment, another fight. Just like every other day.  Yesterday I got to take a little bit of that power back.  I struggled but for a different reason.  I think I am head over heels in love with a man that is gonna break my heart.  He could be not just my sun but he could be my man in the moon. I want to share everything with this man. Trouble is I struggle with his indecisiveness. Or maybe ...

 To The Man In The Moon - Sheryl Crow “Strong Enough”  I have often questioned my strength. Yet somehow I am still here. Like there is some other option if you decide you can’t handle it. You just keep pushing through. One foot in front of the other as one of my favorite songs says. It’s not because of motivation at this point, it’s a means of survival.  There are so many things I don’t have control over. Things that I know I used to be able to handle and adjust and compensate for. Now I am just old. I am too tired to compensate for whatever is lacking in my life. I am tired of just putting one foot in front of the other trying to survive with my head down and survive with as little as possible.  I want it all. I want the friend I can talk to about anything, the one who means so much more. The guy who knows me. Who cares about what I am feeling and why. The one who knows when I need that extra reassurance and provides it.  I have spent so long trying to make som...

To The Man In The Moon -  He’s got a way, of giving me hope and making me smile. He’s got this easy comfortability with communication that makes me feel like he could be my best friend. He’s got the eyes I could spend eternity lost in and a smile that brightens every dark place. It could be as easy as breathing in and out. He gives me shit and makes think I am worth one. He could be everything.  But It’s the things that can’t be done and the things we can’t say. It’s the distance. It’s the unknown. It’s the fact he won’t let go of the past to be mine. It’s the unspoken rules. It’s being alone and too scared to talk to the person you care so much about how you’re feeling.  I almost broke it already.  Just with being insecure. And I believe that things can move slower. But I see these cracks, the stress fractures in our communication and in the conversations sometimes and I get scared. The questions I ask that go unanswered. The frustration when I have a problem. I fin...

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...

 Man In The Moon,  How do you trust how you feel? When you have spent so long questioning your judgment that got you into the problems you have today. I have trusted my heart and followed it to the ends of two marriages. I am not young and innocent enough to blindly believe anymore.  Maybe I am bitter and disillusioned. Maybe none of it is real. One lie could easily turn into a million more. And yet, there’s something in me that feels so strongly and purely free and happy. But which part is wrong, which part is right? I’m wishing and praying for your guidance and wisdom. I’m looking for you to take my hand. It’s dark, I’m lonely and I am scared in reaching out what might be holding my hand back. Especially if I find there’s no one to hold my hand at all. All the things I love are the things that can hurt me most.

Man In The Moon,  Losing you so young I never had the father figure to help me navigate the world of boys and men. I’m almost to forty and there is so much I still wish I could ask you. How do I raise my son to be a man, a good man when I still haven’t found a man to love me, all of me the way you loved mom? I am as clueless as the day you passed.  I feel like I am always too much or too little. Too soft or too hard. My insecurities ruin my self worth and my love. I’m tainted by all my faults and they bleed into my heart and my love. Growing up I was always too nice, then too trusting. I give with my whole heart, in love and in friendship, I can’t not want to love someone. Even when it means no one is returning that love to me. I guess I justified it because caring is part of what makes me who I am. Like you can’t care too much. Well it’s taken me a long time but it really just makes me a fucking fool.  What do you do when you find out your love and caring will never be e...

Starting again. It’s an attempt to get the crazy out. Man In The Moon, I am still trying to find you, even when it’s just a piece of you. At this point I will take whatever I can find. Everyday feels like a battle, with my illness, with my body, with my mind, my husband, Liam’s school, the world outside and in. It’s a constant struggle and when I seek relief or refuge, it always feels like I am running away and hiding instead of facing it all and fighting every second.  I love my friends but we are all in the fight and sometimes it’s hard to help them fight theirs or them help you with yours because there is too much coming at us from too many angles. None of us a accomplished enough jugglers to keep everyone’s balls in the air. So we struggle to stay strong together with so much dragging us apart.  So who do you turn to? I turn to myself again it appears. I turn to my Man In The Moon. To someone who cannot supply the love, the support, the advice or the hug.  I am lonely...