Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon  - I feel too much like the storm right now. All this pent up anxiety and fears brewing...Till I just break down. 4 days till I fly to Seattle. 4 days till I can breath. I'm scared I will wake up and it will all come crashing down on me. I keep waiting to hear it.  It's this fear that I won't let win. This will be more than the fear. More than the anxiety and worries. He is the happiness and the laughter that moves mountains and chases the fears away. And I pray and I hope I am that for him.

To The Man In The Moon  -  How many times can you love people with everything you have and fail them? I know that I am not bad..or good I am just me. I know that I don't have all the answers or even a fraction. I pray to be better. I try to be honest and compassionate and loving. I want to be there for the people I love. I want to be strong and helpful and do everything I can, to fight for them and what they want their dreams and help them get through their fears.   No one has done that for me. No one has had my back. In my times of need I prayed to God to give me strength, to hold my hand. No one should feel alone in this world when the deck is stacked against them.  When someone looks at you and sees all the hurt you bottle up and just wants to help unbidden yourself..after so much it almost breaks you.  I am trying to smile. I am supposed to be happy but instead my happiness and dreams are being called into question and it's making me scared and fearful....

Matt -  I am having such a hard time tonight just speaking my mind to you. I love you so much and I struggle with knowing when to be compassionate and understanding and when to be harder and give tough love.  I suck. But everything about our situation sucks right now. I feel like I am losing it. I let myself be excited and happy and then I realize how much is in the way of being happy. Not just for me but more for you.  I am pushing down a lot of feelings. I am doing it to make things easier and it sucks.  I am supposed to be supportive and loving and understanding.  I know how many times we have talked about things with you and Ashley. And I know how many half truths were told to me. How many times you wanted to make it seem like it was okay and 7 days before you move here..even though your broken up... it's not. The lies are there. I see and feel them.  They aren't protecting anyone. And it scares me that I will never know the truth. Whether it was you or...

There are days i struggle to get up. Today..yesterday...the day before.  With my stomach and the way things are going I am so worried and anxious and overwhelmed all the time that I just start shutting down. I am not sleeping. Then when I do I can't make myself get up.  I was doing so well and now..  I pray about it. I trust in our love, I trust in him. But it's all these other factors I keep worrying about.  My worries for him are all about how difficult it must be for him. Things that I can't help. That he will get frustrated or overwhelmed or too scared and not talk to me. The many many times he likes to remind me that I am such a needy person... I'm not going to leave him alone. I'm confused and scared because nothing I do will be right. I feel like I am going to fail at loving him and being me.. like I don't love him or won't love him right. And now my confidence is gone.. and I don t know what to do.  I can feel myself being extremely hard on me. I am ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  I feel like a big idiot today. I am overwhelmed with all the ways I am struggling and instead of bouncing back and taking shit head on I am trying my damnedest not to cry and hide. I'm human. I know I am weak. I know I have faults. I am all too aware of the many ways I fail. But I dont give up or crumble.  I know who I am, so why am I stuck right now? Why do I feel like I need a disclaimer about all the shitty things I have issues with and how horrible I am? All I hear is the things I can't do. All the faults and flaws to the point that I am having trouble just looking at myself right now.  It's like waves of all my imperfections crashing over me. I keep getting up and then get taken down by the next one.  I honestly sat down and thought okay. Let's have it out. I'll make a list of all the ways I am not good. Thinking if I just said it and let it all put maybe it won't hurt me anymore. All the ways I am not good enough just laid in fro...

The tears are falling today. I can't seem to quiet all the things I am feeling today. Tired. Hurt. Anxious. Sad. Needy. Scared. Inadequate. Broken. Sick. Somewhere in the knowing I get lost. When things are running me down.. I just get lost in the chaos. I turn it all inward and just slowly fall apart. I dont want to leave my bed. I dont want to care about anything and just silence the pain. Even for a little while. I don t want to face it all alone. And I want to wait till I dont have to and I can't.  So I am giving myself the night to be miserable. Mad. Sad. Angry. Lonely.  I'll try to get up and fight again tomorrow. But I just can't today.

To The Man In The Moon - I feel like I am constantly holding my breath. I have to keep reminding myself to just keep breathing. I realize most of it is fear and anxiety. I am working through the best way I know how.  I dont want to be an emotional train wreck.  I just could use some sweet loving words to sooth the stirred up emotions that keep wanting to rage around.  But I don't want to beg or need too much  I need too much. Right now. I want too much.  This fear I have of losing him, that sometimes I still struggle to figure out how to let go of. I do really well and then Bam! I am doubting myself and my worth.  I handle the jokes but there is a little piece of me that says there is truth to everything...and he could not be joking maybe he's wanting to throw it out there to see how I react and what it would mean.  See... Self doubt...raging everywhere  He has said to me before he wouldn't do all this and not come. Because how would he look. But ...

I want to be special. In the person I loves eyes. I want to be cherished and trusted, counted on and backed up. I have expectations and desires that I need my partner to care about and prioritize along with their own. Is it too much to ask to be treasured and respected the way I treasure and respect him. I don't like feeling like just a thing.  I saw the many flaws in my first marriage. The anger and resentment, the difference of values and pursuits. I learned a lot about love and myself. He loved me. And I am grateful for how much he loved me and cherished me. If we hadn't been heading in two very different directions things could have been different. But he was headed on his own road and I am very happy for him. With Dustin, I know what his flaws are now. Things changed and it wasn't anyone's fault in the beginning. We both played our parts. I see how the way I loved him changed his life. Someone that built him up and believed in him and wanted greatness for him made ...

To The Man In The Moon-  I fall short. I struggle and I fail.  I wish for too much. Fuck I expect it sometimes. I don't know why sometimes I feel like I deserve so much and other times feel like I am lucky to get anything at all.  I Wanting to be better. Wanting to deserve better. I dont want to feel like I should be thankful that I am though of at all.  I feel less than... I feel like I deserve nothing

To The Man In The Moon  -  I am who I am. And I have always tried my best to be okay with that. I know I can be better just as much as I know I can be worse. I try hard but I get discouraged. I have fight in me that is scary but I can be too scared as well. I keep hearing all the ways I am inadequate. All the ways I struggle. All my issues. All my faults. I am trying to be strong and confident. But as things get closer..all I am seeing is the ways I am going to annoy him. All the ways I am not going to make him happy. I feel small today.  Small and flawed. I need a day when I don't feel and see all the ways I fail. Just for a minute to not feel like I am going to fuck everything up.

Somedays I just can't get out from under the dark cloud. I woke up and was sick. Being without my medicine and my dexcom is not good.  I can't fight Dustin about it.  I also can't fight him to care when I don't feel well. In fact it just makes everything worse. I frustrated Matt several times today as well. Making my day even worse. Like I said. I can't get out from under it. Add to it my fears that I am going to ruin this man's life and I have had several full on melt downs today.  I need to still take care of stuff for tomorrow and get food prepped as I try and make this a good holiday for Liam.  I'm an emotional wreck.  I miss my mom. I am down and pessimistic and doubting myself at every turn. I keep trying to smile and pick myself up and instead...I just find more ways I am lacking. I dont want to fight or be angry but at least then I feel something more than like I am failing and fucking everything up.  I'm scared. And I am even scared ...

To The Man In The Moon  - Sometimes I feel like I am warring with myself. With Dustin I feel like I made a lot of mistakes. As we talk about the things to come we have talked a lot about how different our relationship has become through the years. And I see a lot of things that I did or didn't do or allowed that kind of brought us to where we are now.  It's made me insecure about how I feel and the way I am with Matt. I have learned a lot through the years with trying to make things work. Dustin may not have been able or willing to try to make things work. But with Matt things are different. And in ways I am only now beginning to understand. I just worry that he's going to find he doesn't love me as much as he thinks he does. When he is here with me. That he will feel this was a mistake. Loving someone like I love him, I want him to be happy. Even if it isn't me who makes him happy.  He tells me all the time what he doesn't like and hates. What he can't stan...

To The Man In The Moon  - When I wake up it will be 27 days till I get to fly to Seattle and begin an exciting new chapter. It's a feeling I can't even put in words. The hope and the love that grows every day is amazing.  I met a man. I took a chance following my heart. I felt something so strong and deep in not just my heart but my soul and its all led me to this point.  I'm scared but I am also so ready to let go of all the bad that has happened and grab hold of this man's hand and start living and loving and making the most out of everyday.  I know that its not going to be all sunshine and roses. But he makes me smile through all of it. He makes me feel and want to be and make things better.  I dont know what will come our way. But I am 100% sure that I want him to be a part of my everyday. Of Liams everyday. I pray that God will help us all to find strength in the love and the light we have found. That he helps us to see past the problems and app...