pieces

To The Man In The Moon -
Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together. 
When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashley. In December him pushing off coming and then all the 2nd thoughts and panic attacks, I was sure he was going to decide he wanted to fix things with her. In February when the Dustin and Margie crap happened, it was ME he wanted to end things with. It was me that made him feel like a bad guy.. me who he did end things with but wanted to still talk to.
Now finding out things.. how he has been talking with these other women, how slept with Ashley. Is it me?
Am I the one?
Every doubt I had before he always said was in my head. Every fear. 
But it wasn't. It was all real. 
I loved him through it all. I chose him over every second thought Every doubt Every fear Every other person.
I was faithful and honest and believed in us. And he tells me he did too and all these things make it feel like a lie. 
Life is hard. Money issues, family issues, health issues, raising a kid, and a dog.
And I am terrified that he's not sure still. That he is still just saying things to keep the peace. Becauxe I am what is good and loves him all the ways he wants. But is it because he loves me and wants me or because he feels he should? I am a good person. I am understanding and I am loving. But I dont want to be madly in love with another person who can't love me the way I deserve. Above all I cannot do that again. 
I just want him to humble himself and love me the way I love him. God brought this man into my life for me to love. I know that. And I just wish I knew God had brought him here to love me too. But if a lesson is what this is meant to be then I am ready to surrender to the Lord and let him guide me to where I need to be. 
I love too hard and with too much of all that I am to play games and feel like I need to watch my back. The one I love should be protecting me as I protect and lift him. 

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