Letters To The Man in The Moon

To The Man In The Moon Dear Dad, I am floundering. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am trying to keep it all together but it feels like I am holding onto a million balloon in the middle of a tornado, and I am getting whipped around into a frenzy at very turn. My sanity is waning. I just need a break. Mom had her surgery and is supposed to come home tomorrow. She did so well, you would be so proud of her. I can only imagine how hard it is being so far away from everyone and having so much pain. I feel horrible for complaining about my problems. I have no room. Through all of this I feel like a horrible daughter and an even worse mom. I feel like my frustration and stress is bleeding through and I am passing it onto Liam. Which is the worst thing I could possibly do. I am sick with it. He has been so cranky the last couple of days, with today being the worst. He has had to deal with so much crap and his schedule continuing to change everyday. He is doing the best h...

To The Man In The Moon Dear Dad, It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Caroline and Wheat came into town, Mother's Day and then we all got sick. Some of us still are. It was so great to see everyone and to get out and have a drink like an adult. It seems silly but I missed little man. I think while I was pregnant and sick and everything and then now still getting no sleep...somewhere along the way, I got old. I enjoy going out and stuff but not being out all night. And I enjoy a couple of drinks but not to the point of being drunk. I really wish I had more friends that were on the same page in life as me. I would like to go to a movie, out to lunch, or breakfast instead of being out late at night. I enjoy being a mom and taking care of Liam. I like reading and watching my shows. I would enjoy life more if I had more people that enjoyed the same things that I do. It stinks when the people you care about and try to share your life with and want them to share their lives with y...

To The Man In The Moon Dear Dad, Happy Easter! For Easter we ended up getting together with Josh, Vicky, Lauren, Wyatt, Stephanie and her two boys, Kristen, Joe and their 3 kids, Bill, Susan, Brian, Tracy and their boy, Jennie, Ray, and Vicky;s parents. We had a great time. It was so much fun to watch the kids hunt for Easter eggs. It was nice to catch up with everyone. Jennie and Ray are having a baby, which is so great! And she is due around October 9th. So we will have another little Libra! I can only imagine how happy Rich would be. Part of me is hoping its a little boy so that they might consider naming him after Rich. After eating with my side of the family, we all went over to Judy's and had dinner with her, and a little egg hunt for Liam. We did most of the hunting but it was still wonderful! We had a lot of fun.  Liam had his appointment with Special Care Clinic at Children's Mercy. He weighs 10lbs 12 oz and is almost 22 inches long. He is doing really well. We are...

Seven years bad luck seems sixteen years too late, Broken with the tide of my innocence washing away, I can’t remember what the weather was like, But I know my teardrops fell like rain. I don’t remember exactly how bad it hurt, But I can still feel the pain. Waking up on the living room floor, I was suddenly aware, The dreaded silence of a full house. The tables clean of the breakfast dishes, The toys had vanished everywhere,. I called out until a whisper was found. My innocence pulling me away From my Grandmother’s bedroom door, But my Mother’s broken voice crying out Was impossible to ignore. The pea green room that had made me ill Was more appealing than my Mother’s face. Her once young and vibrant smile had faded away, Like my Father’s heart I soon found out Had earlier that day. Wrapped in an armful of hugs, But my heart felt devoid of love. My Father’s once stern words I was scared to hear, Were suddenly memories that fell from tears. Like waking up to a bad dream, Or watching it...

To The Man In The Moon Dear Dad, Well you know what they say about the best laid plans… Yesterday Liam was an angel. He slept well and woke up each time like a little cherub. Over night he slept while I reminisced, got all misty, and blogged. It started thunder-storming around 5:30 a.m. and I just wanted to go sit in the middle of it. But being a parent means trying to keep your head on your shoulders and your feet planted firmly on the ground, so I stood in the middle of the front door, staring. This morning came and went with everyone sleeping in. Who could resist the rain? Mom was bone tired and her muscles sore. She is still trying to bounce back from this last round of radiation. Her butt is still extremely sore and she constantly needs her pain meds. I wonder if the pain will ever get better for her. I am going to go with her to her next appointment to try and see what the real outlook and plan is. I mean, if we are talking “end of life” treatment, we need to better at m...

To My Man in the Moon Dear Dad, You know I hate today. Earth Day.  Every year it feels like it mocks me and my pain as if to say Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Your father was given to the Earth. I have hated it. I have loathed it. And now I am trying to be a "big girl" and turn this day into something I can celebrate and share with my son. Okay, I'm crying. At some point I probably should have seen a counselor to deal with my grief. I know, I know, it's never too late. Perhaps someday I will. I hope when I need it, I have the strength to do it. For now I will try and deal with my pain and sorrow the best way I know how...Your looking at it! lol  Twenty One years ago? I feel pretty old. I feel really old. And broken. Yep. I am still broken. Ha ha ha. They lie when they say that it gets better. It never gets better, it just changes. It morphs through the years and creeps into every aspect of your life. It gets spread out, rather than this concentrated thick black...

To My Man in the Moon Dear Dad, Sometimes it's hard to believe how much time has pass. I think given everything you knew about stuff, I can't imagine how much you would love the way technology has advanced just since you have been gone. I wonder if you would be on Facebook. Lol. I found Ron Boltz and his daughter Carrie on Facebook today. It's funny how people may age but still look the same. I feel I never forget a face though, so that probably works in my favor. Carrie is married. As is Aaron whom has 2 kids. It's so amazing. We are going to try and get together with them soon. Mom was the most excited. I think she is most excited to share her memories of you. When I am the only one to reminisce with her, and I only remember so much, I think it is slightly disappointing to her...well not really but you understand what I mean. I think she will be ecstatic to relive some other memories with other people. I know I am excited to hear some of the stories. Speaking o...

To My Man in the Moon Dear Dad, Things are so effing complicated. I am so sleep deprived at this point, that rational thought is a luxury. I find myself ready to fly off the handle at any moment. My husband, Dustin and I are having marital issues that are further complicated by the fact that we are having parenting issues, and I am completely out of ideas as to what more I can do. You and mom are amazingly hard to live up to as parents. lol It seems too much to ask for my poor baby to have two parents that love each other and get along. It's heart wrenching. I have such high hopes for this little boy. There is so much I feel like he is going to miss out on. Dustin has a problem, well multiple problems, but the first and foremost is that he doesn't stay awake and take care of Liam. He has some sort of an emotional block or something but he didn't talk to Liam for the longest time and even now its not a lot. He doesn't know how to comfort him, he doesn't wake up a...

To My Man in the Moon Dear Dad, Today we got some great news, Liam's R.O.P. cleared up on its own so we shouldn't have anything to worry about for quite a while. It was so relieving to hear that he doesn't have to go through anymore exams. They said he should be good till his normal 2 yr appointment. He's been a smiley monkey all day too. It's like he knows that its all going to be okay. That's not the only good thing for today. Breena posted a home movie from long long ago. It was a compilation of some old home movies from when you, Barb and Linda were young. It was amazing to see! I totally got a piece of you. I learned so much from something so simple, that I just broke down. It was like looking in a magic mirror. Your dad, my grandfather, reminded me so much of you. I could see it so clearly. And the place where you all were, skiing and swimming, reminded me so much of Bull Shoals. Wagon Wheel Resort I can see why you were so happy there. It was so amazin...

To My Man in the Moon Dear Dad, I don't know what I am going to do. Today mom had her Dr's appointment with Dr. Townsend and she was told that she wouldn't be able to withstand any further chemo, so all they could do is hope to shrink the tumor to make her more comfortable but that there was nothing further we could do. Hospice Care was mentioned several times. I think even she doesn't know what to do. I think before Liam was here, everything was black and white. She would live until she just didn't. She has had a long life, and she is ready to be with you. But now that Liam is here, I think its not quite as easy as it was before. I know nothing is for me. I don't know what kind of timeline we are talking about but I think after this radiation, its going to be like holding our breath. But I feel like I already am. I am trying to be level headed about this because I know that's what she needs. I have to keep my wits about me and not freak out though everyt...

To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...