And in the end

To The Man In The Moon- 
I'm tired of trying.
At some point I thought by thus time I would have it all a little more figured out. 
I can accept so much. I am so damned forgiving and understanding. I can  never..ever..demand what I want. What I deserve. Even what I need.
My 9 year old image of you isn't perfect. But that's part of why I love the way I do.
I remember the perfect image I had of you. The dad I knew who loved me and taught me so much. I never knew you more than that. I dont know your struggles, your failures or mistakes. They don't matter. They made you the dad you were to me.
So when I love, its not about how perfect he is. How much we agree or disagree. Whether we love or like the same things. It's about who they are. I don't love someone based on just what I see. 
But...I get broken because of this love. Because I haven't yet had someone show me or give me what I need back. 
Everytime I believe, that I found the heart and soul that I am looking for they seem to stop trying to love me. 
The Man I fell in love with has the heart, the soul, the passion and intelligence to be everything to me and the power to give me  what I need. 
But I see and hear and feel things that say I'm just wishful thinking. 
How do I fight the fear when everything about me is on the line?
How do I believe words? Just words. 
I have nothing to hold onto but words.
And I keep apologizing for feeling doubt.
I keep correcting myself and chastising myself for feeling like he could be lying to me.
Worse I apologize to him.
Nothing about this is okay. 
Every moment I wait for him to take more of his words away.
Because if I really sit with it..if I really stop worrying about him and just focus on myself..the fear isn't just fear..it's real.
I am not the love of his life...the one he will fight to be with and wants to build a life with.
I am the hope of something else. I am the opportunity of something different. I am the what if moment.
He tells me if this wasn't real he wouldn't still be doing it. If this wasn't what he wanted.
But the thing is if it was real if I was what he wanted..wouldn't the way things are with me and him and he and Ashley not be a question at this point. Cause the real truth is. He can't come here to visit. I can't come there to visit. I can't even talk to him or have him say I love you in front of people. How in the fuck is the possibility of him moving here in June even remotely real? 
Dad am I just so lost so fucked up that I can't even say to the man who supposedly loves me and wants to move here to be with me...to stop making me feel like less than I am and value me. It's not selfish to want what I want. I'd give him all the time in the world for se honesty. And not just with me...with his life. Just stop making me feel like I am not worthy. I'm tired Dad. I'm tired of waiting to be valued and loved by the people who supposedly love me. I dont want to be patient with someone who doesn't see my pain. I don't want to be understanding and caring and devoted devoted someone who doesn't do the same for me. I spent a lifetime already waiting. Why do I keep trying and fighting and hurting myself to love someone else?
I deserve to have someone do all of this waiting and fighting and trying for me. 

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