April Fool

To The Man In The Moon  -
 I know I am a fool. I know I overreact  sometimes. I wrote so much last night about all my issues with fucking spring. Fucking April 22nd Earth Day, Fucking May 5th Cinco De Mayo. Fucking Spring being the most promising time of year and also the most difficult. 
I realize no one gets it. I hope they never have to. 
I had a dream that something incredible happened and it was just a little piece of hope. 
I never expect shit to work out. I have learned to accept life and its ups and downs the best way I know how. But I had this idea, this feeling that when he finally said the words, when the girl who had horrible timing finally got to hear the words she had been dreaming of hearing come from his lips it wouldn't be a joke. It wouldn't be something taken away. 
I get it. A joke. It was a big one. 
It shouldn't feel like this.


All day. All day I felt defeated. And let down.
The thing I have wanted and waited for used as a weapon against me even for a joke...it hurt. It hurts. 
When you really think... 
When I actually thought he was giving me what I have been waiting to hear.... fuck it.
I am scared I am the joke. 
I want to pick up my stupid feelings and shove them in a hole. I shouldn't feel so stupid for wanting it. I shouldn't feel so stupid for being upset. I shouldn't feel dumb for wanting it to be real. I also shouldn't take it out on him that I got upset about him joking with me. But I still feel upset. And I hate pretending. So I am just going to let it sting and then when I am ready shove it off and move along. 
I hate never feeling like I have solid ground to stand let alone build on. I hate my head. 
All fucking day. And the feeling doesn't go away because instead making my dreams come true it just made all my doubts 10 times worse and I haven't been right since. I keep trying and I keep ending up just hiding so I can let all this frustration out. Instead of trying to laugh it all off when all I can think is...yeah me getting what I want is the biggest joke ever. 

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