Letters To The Man in The Moon

How many times have you given up on yourself? Given up hoping, wishing, dreaming? Given up what you need, not just what I want. You're rolling over and playing dead. You fear loving Matt. You fear being who you are so you can love Matt. But who loves you? Who fights to love you? You fought Dustin so many times and for so many years. To figure out what was happening to him, to feel better to, help him learn to love being a dad, to keep the spark between you, to strengthen your family and have the life you two wanted together. You begged and pleaded, you demanded and scorched earth to try and get him to see you, love you, to be there for Liam, to help you be better, to know you all could be better together.  But it was never is enough. Now you are fighting the battle with Matthew. Who has an excuse for everything but can never tell the truth. Who no matter how many times and in how many ways you ask him why, what happened, what can you do, how can you help, he just keeps evading and ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Watched dream a little dream and then Love the Coopers. I think i might have seen it before. Tonight I just broke down. There was just this very Christmasy moment that made me think of the magic the holidays brought. I wonder if mom knew how much they meant to me. Or Grandma.Did any of them feel like I do? Because somehow they managed to make it so magical every year. I hope they felt how much this meant. I wish or I hope that they did. I wish I had an ounce of their magic. I watched and loved  every little thing that they did. Every little special moment. I just soaked it up in my heart. I miss it and them so much it hurts. I watched but I obviously never learned.  I wish I had taken notes from them on so much more important things. Maybe if I had been brave enough to ask them the hard questions and their stories. I know my mother shared so many stories and memories that I also just soaked up. I carry so many beautiful stories she gave me....

To The Man In The Moon- I finally went to sleep about 10:30am and got to sleep till 3 or something. Got to catch the end of the Chiefs vs Colts game. Thankfully we came back to win. That was good to see. I am happy to have a little hope.  Matt was messing with his Magic cards. And then proceeded to playing Minecraft.  Always with eith of those two.  I wish there was more to enjoy than just sitting here watching him do what he wants. I need to jist disengage, stop jist watching amd waiting for him to decide to do something with me.  I jist get on my phone.or play a stupid game on the iPad. Nothing gets done. I mean he did put in a load of laundry but the kitchens still a mess and I am supposed.to make apple, strawberry Rhubarb and pumpkin pies before Thanksgiving. Guess I will clean tomorrow and start pies on Tuesday if I feel okay after my injections.  Fucking hell. 9:33pm We went and got Chinese from Hunan for dinner while we learned to play Mexican Train domin...

To The Man In The Moon-  How do you fix something when the other person denies that its broke? May be I am not trying the right way?  I am so lost that I cant even tell what was right with us. Where the good became this.. almost indifference? He doesn't want to pay attention. I can't find more common ground. When I feel lighter and start to enjoy and relax, he starts getting irritated or bothered. Or tired. And I am not trying to dmsay being tired is the problem, its jist what he says the problem is. Everytime I am asking what's happening and what the issues are he says hes just tired. Whether that is true really depends on what his real answer is. If it really is how he acts and becomes when hes tired or when he just doesn't want to say what the real issues are. Im not sure he doesn't it intentionally. Lying. Deflecting.  It just sucks the happy, or vibrancy right out of me. Even when I try and ask him what's going on  He deflects he minimizes what he is feelin...

To The Man In The Moon- I have been sick. No surprise there. I dont know what the fuck I am doing anymore. I am struggling. I have so many emotions and feelings stuck inside my body, running through my head.  I still feel like hes lying.  Not matter how many times I try and talk things through, none of it rings true in my head, and not in my heart.  I want him but I dont.  I want the truth. But I dont think either of us know what that is at the moment. I look at myself and I dont even know, my eyes, my face , my mouth, my hair, my skin. It all is just wrong. I thought I had love. I thought there was this person, my person. Who saw me. Who loved me. Like I loved him. But he doesn't. He tells me Im beautiful and I close my eyes. I try and believe. But I dont. I see these other women, these other bodies, photos. I hate myself so deeply, for not being enough. All I see all I feel is the flaws, the problems, my illness, my short falls.  I hate myself for trusting him...

To The Man In The Moon  - We shall see. We have been trying to go listen to music for a while. I wanted to see Hazzard County since I figured it would be right up his alley. We haven't made it to see them yet. Lol I thought third times the charm but nope. Its fine. Its just I know at some point we will finally see them and he will think, why didnt we do this before.  Its fine Nights never end up the way I hope/want but at least not always bad.  I swear he yawned so many times and already had to take a break because of lights in his eyes and pissible migraine after ignoring me for Minecraft. Will he ever realize he does that? I liked when we could play together and since it seriously makes me so sick right now let alone watch him play but when it becomes more than an hour or 2 to 3 or miltiple times throughout the day because then it like do I even exist or does he think this is spending time together? Or  am I  stuck scrolling TikToks or scrolling through Facebo...

To The Man In The Moon  - Technically a new day whether i have slept or not. Trust me there is a lot if insomnia and pain.  I didnt talk a lot but I tried to let Matt in. I meant it when I said there isnt anything new I could tell him. Just me spiraling into outer space. But when I asked him why he wanted me and hiw he knows. He said something that gave me serious pause.  Because of how I love him. How I encourage him still, and its how he has never been loved like this before. I have been sitting with it all night. Rolling it over in my head and heart.  It makes me feel like its how I love him and how much I try and help him, care for him, desire and want him.  But I mean of course. Who else would love you and help you and not walk away after everything you just did. Showing me how much you care for me. My feelings and my heart. By having year long affairs and dozens of conversations and photos exchanged between you and all these women.  HES RIGHT.  A...

To The Man In The Moon-. I cant decide on what it says about thing that I have this strong need to be heard, to be seen, loved, acknowledged and that is why I find myself turning here. To you, to mom even though you may never hear or see me or my pleas. And the person I love and need that can see and hear me but doesnt.  I should start making a list for my therapist. Cause even if I have to pay to be seen and heard its better than not having anyone who loves and cares about me. I downloaded ...a couple....😬well more like a few self help books about recovering from affairs, infidelity and even ones on me and why I keep accepting and getting less from those I love and trying to change my mindset and restructuring your emotions and brain because I am obviously doing everything wrong so let just try a factory reset. Because I wish I had no idea of what I need and want so I would be happy with whatever I get.  But I am not sure they are helping or hurting. For better o...

To The Man In Yhe Moon -  Broken - my Spotify playlist Being in this freefall without a parachute is more than my nerves can stand. I cry because I am hurt, I cry because I dont know how to trust him, I cry that he ruined us, I cry because I love him and it wasnt enough. I am not healthy. I am not well. I have nothing to offer this man. Nothing he cant get from someone else. I love him so hard I hurt myself.  There is a cavern in my heart, deep so deep and it feels big enough to swallow the entire universe. My hearts a black hole, sucking everything in, obliterating who I am.  I am trying to hold onto hope.  I decided to get a few self help books on affairs and how to cope. I keep thinking that as soon as I am not well, as soon as I cant love him and have sex with him, when I am broken and sick hes going to find someone else who will. Or he may already have someone else to run to.  I am just so fucking lost. And scared. I'm so tired.  All the doubt and the ...

To The Man In The Moon  -  The Rollercoaster persists. I have whip lash from the way my heart and head view to be the one in control of me.  I know that I love Matthew with all tjat I am. I love him with his flaws. My heart loves him. My heart is also broken. It knows that it was lied to and fooled. And when my head starts thinking through how long all of this went on, well it wants to fight and protect what I have left to love with.  We are having the hard conversations.I want to believe that he would never do this again. But again, this has happened before and this time it is far worse.  I cant reconcile how he can say I make him happy and I am all he wants. Because, well. Its not true. If he was happy, how could he seek out another woman's time, and company. How could he love and care more for these relationships that he say meant nothing and then look at me and be with me. And no matter how much he says hes sprry and he hates himself, I still cant believe wh...

To The Man In The Moon- Yesterday was a an actual date night. And despite the deep pauses it was something we needed. I needed. Overall it was good. With all the bruised soft spots taken into account. Today was different. I kept waiting for something. But it was met with several hard spots. Something definitely more deep seeded. Deeper wounds.  I am definitely searching for something more. He just keeps things at surface level. It feels false. Maybe not false but fake? Nope. There is a word. I am searching for it. Almost like my brain doesn't want to admit it. Its will come to me. If I have to search it out.  Unauthentic. Artificial.  I think it boils down to all things I have heard before. I'm beautiful. When he says it right now, I just think of how many times I heard it while he lusted after Jordyn, or Miranda, or Bree. Its the way my brain wants to quip back when he says I love you, and I'm sexy. I watch these movies, and see all these flags flying. Its al...

To The Man In The Moon  -  Where is the woman who walked away from Richard after realizing we were going in two different directions. I was young and stupid. I took only what I could carry and somehow put one foot in front of the other. I am so happy for him. He ended up right where he belonged. Where is that girl?  Where is the woman who gave everything for 6 years and then married her best friend. Who lost her health but had a beautiful boy and made her one dream a reality. Where is the woman who then had to break the cycle of fighting and crying and miserable loneliness of a lost marriage? Where is the woman who picked herself up and tried to make a little happiness in the mess, to just make her most treasured love a happier life?  When did I become this? I lost all my love for myself. I lost faith in love. I sit and try to look at him and not feel the sinking feeling. When he says I am beautiful all I see is all these women's faces, the photos of their bodies....

To The Man In The Moon-  I know there isnt any special significance in the full moon. I have like other things in my life tried so hard to make magic. To have hope and give romantic notions for things to show me the way, light my path, offer guidance or clarity into my life while things crumble around me. I want to be magical and romantic. I want to feel more than this shit than what I am stuck in the middle of. I feel like I am always stuck, in this body, in this nightmare, alone with all good slowly being leeches from my mind and body.  I am grasping on so tightly that I am trying to find anything to hold onto and never really aware of whether it is good or bad, just holding on. I should take back what I said. The full moon does hold significance. I think its me, that wishes it held more, and perhaps gave as much meaning to me as I try to make it. I want it to give me a piece of you. A piece of love, and family. The piece I have missed since I lost you, and connection that I...