sinking in

To The Man In The Moon  -

I can say what I want to believe...
I can say I have hope.
But when I lay down to say my prayers I pray for the strength and the hope I keep pretending to have.

What do I have to be scared of?

The very thing that's happening right now.
The expectation of unconditional love...that I give but never receive.
The expectation of blind faith in someone who can't speak the truth about me, what I am and supposedly mean to him...
While I wait for him. Wait for him to tell me his plan other than for me to wait for the dream of a better day.
I am changing my whole world. My son's whole world. For not even a promise...just a hope that it's real and that he will eventually give me everything I give to him. 
I sat for an hour...wondering how I got to this point. How I got to be the other woman who is waiting for the man who says he's going to leave the woman's he's with to be with me. 
Because the truth is nothing I feel for him nothing I want is impossible...it's just that he's not able to give it to me. 
I feel guilty for wanting to see him, talk to him, be a part of his world. 
And that eats away at everything I love. It eats away at my heart. 
I can do it all, make a place for him, love him, visit him, make plans to be with him and it changes nothing. I've always been ready to be with him. 
He didn't even know it's been almost 5 months since we saw each other. We once had a conversation about how scared I was scared we'd be doing this 5 or 6 months down the road. 
He treated me with the same jokes and talk of everything being worth it then as he does now. Only now we haven't seen each other and I still don't exist in his life. And I am still holding on. Still wishing and waiting. Still begging to just be loved. Almost 5 months later and still I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel.

It's sinking in...
That fear
Was real.
That fear was and still is true.
And he asks me what I am afraid of....
I'm scared to love him
I'm scared to hope.
I'm scared to keep doing this... 
I'm scared to love him anymore. 
He says I can talk to him but when I try... 
It doesn't do me any good. He gets quiet and he gives me the same answers. My fears have gotten worse and 
My hope is fading away.
He doesn't have to make promises or lie...he just gives me enough hope that I fight the fear for a little while but then when it comes back because nothing is said and everything is still the same..
I just want to feel like I am more..that I am wanted and loved. 
That at the end of the day...good or bad...he's gonna be there to pick me up when I need him..the way I will be there for him. That we will face problems together. And not every man for himself. Which is what it feels a whole lot like right now.
😞 Dad how do I love him the right way?
Lord what more can I give...what more can I say? 
Do I just keep pretending that he is mine when it's very clear....I am only his? 

Your gurl

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more