Beginning to Heal

To My Man in the Moon

Dad,

The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even got to walk me down the isle in your place. I just know you were up there smiling. And then I found out I was pregnant. It was the biggest blessing of my life. It was rough. Beyond rough. In and out of the hospital, weekly doctor appointments, losing weight, being so sick 24 hours a day. And then my water leaking for a week and getting an infection in the placenta, and poor Liam being born so early, we were just a MESS. Even after he was born and we were all in the hospital with infection and cancer, and it was just never ending. It seems like I spent most of the last year thinking of how much we missed and needed you and of all the wonderful times I miss out on spending with you and of all the things Liam will miss about having you as a grandfather. I can so perfectly picture you two together, and it just about breaks me in two that it will never be. I want Liam to get the wonderful special love I got from you. Teaching him how to fish, play tennis, looking for rocks, swimming, going out on the boat. Seeing you and Liam together is something my heart can barely stand to miss.

He's the most wonderful thing in the world. He's been through so much in his short little life, and I know he has so much more that he may have to endure. He was born 2 months early at 30 weeks and was only 2 lbs 6 oz. and 15 in long. at Truman Medical Center after having been stuck in the womb with little amniotic fluid. He had 3 horrible pressure sores and was not able to breathe on his own. He had to be transferred to Children's Mercy right after he was born because he needed immediate care. He had a rough time with the ventilator but recovered amazingly well considering his size and situation. He has still had it pretty rough. We are still trying to get his eyes checked out since he has R.O.P. and is still in danger of going blind, having lazy eye, and a million other problems. His heart is also still not all the way healed so he will be watched closely throughout this first year for that. When you add in cerebral palsy and all the other things my poor little man is at high risk for, it is just beyond scary. He is a part of First Steps which says they will monitor his progress and help make certain he gets all the special care he needs for the first few years of his life. Sometimes it feels never ending. That there is always certain danger lurking around the bend. Faith and love must get us through. That and you and everyone else up there, looking over us.

Mom is not doing so well. I know your love keeps her going. You and Liam :D She is so happy to be a Grandma. There was a time that I wasn't sure she was going to see that day. When she had her bypass and stroke we were just thankful for everyday. I can't even begin to fathom how hard its been for her losing time, unable to remember things clearly, her vision fading, and so many other problems. Then she was diagnosed with anal cancer, and she has been going through chemo and radiation and it is just taking the life right out of her. She has lost so much weight after this last round of chemo. She has been in the hospital basically since two days after she finished it, and this time she is coming home with a colostomy bag. She still isn't finished with treatment and that is pretty scary but we are just thankful for every day we have with her. I know that no matter what, when she goes she will be in a much better place, and she will be back with you. Which is all she wants.

For now we are just hanging on! It's about all we can do.

I keep praying and hoping. I hear you singing songs. I hold onto as much as I know, which isn't much. I lost a lot of time with you and I don't know if I will ever get over not knowing you. But I hold on desperately to the little time we had. Every memory of fishing, playing tennis, Tetris and Duckhunt, swimming, going out on the boat, Bull Shoals, and looking at the moon.

Mom and I always said you were our Man in the Moon, keeping watch over us.

Today, while sitting with Liam I watched a TV program that had John Edward the psychic on. I have always been interested in his program "Crossing Over" and wished that I could go to one of his shows and just imagined how you would come through and I wished and imagined how amazing that would be. Well, today on the program he was talking about how everyone has the possibility to hear from there loved ones. If we're open. One of his recommendations were to Journal ( of which I used to do very often ) or to write letters to our loved ones. To open the lines of communications, and it just seems so simple. So easy and so therapeutic. Slightly insane to an outside observer, maybe. But its just like breathing for me. And it does make me feel better. It makes me feel like maybe I am not all alone. And it feels like maybe your not quite so far away.

Forever Your Little Girl,

Sondra