What the hell am I doing?

To The Man In The Moon  - 

Where is the woman who walked away from Richard after realizing we were going in two different directions. I was young and stupid. I took only what I could carry and somehow put one foot in front of the other. I am so happy for him. He ended up right where he belonged. Where is that girl? 

Where is the woman who gave everything for 6 years and then married her best friend. Who lost her health but had a beautiful boy and made her one dream a reality. Where is the woman who then had to break the cycle of fighting and crying and miserable loneliness of a lost marriage? Where is the woman who picked herself up and tried to make a little happiness in the mess, to just make her most treasured love a happier life? 

When did I become this?

I lost all my love for myself. I lost faith in love. I sit and try to look at him and not feel the sinking feeling. When he says I am beautiful all I see is all these women's faces, the photos of their bodies.  His smile, like a snapshot he sent them. All I can think is he lies. I hate my body. I dont want to love him. I dont want to feel desperate for his approval! Why should he get my love and desire? I want him to feel this. I want him to feel what its like to be sad, fat, lonely, hurt, broken, and tortured by the thought of me smiling and laughing with another man, with men, with someone telling me they love me and me sneaking off to call and talk to other men. How I can be desired! I can be beautiful to someone other than him. I want to actually be loved!!! I dont want a man who can so easily talk to and entertain other women. I want what he promised me. I want to tell him this isnt enough. I cant trust and love him like that, and will I ever? Does it matter? Im dancing with with the ghost of who he said he was. I just want to fight and scream. He sleeps, he doesn't make time for the things I send him. But he plays Minecraft and wants to fuck me. How do I love him ?

I want more than 5 years ending with more lies. And more of me being not enough. I am so very broken. I want to just curl up and pull away, and recoil from every touch. Every single kiss. It doesn't feel like it did. It doesn't feel like love. It feels like my quiet surrender to being that pathetic woman who has no self worth. I should have just let him continue his bullshit. Let him keep them and what they gave him. He never wanted true love. I'll be the fool for the rest of my life. 

I'll dream of the man who wanted a whole life with me. Who couldn't look me in the eyes and lie straight to my heart. Who saw forever in my arms. Who kissed my scars and built me piece by piece with confidence, trust, desire, tenderness, and passion. Who could see heaven here in this mess with me and Liam. Who let me help and build a life full of moments good and bad, unconditionally in love. Who is this person in the mirror? I cant look at myself anymore. I sit and try to just find a tiny piece of the woman I wanted to be. O dont even remember anymore. I am so worried about finding a way to love him and myself enough to let him go and live his life free of the stress that I bring to him. He could so easily fit right into someone else's dream, someone else's life, someone else's dream, someone else's love and arm and life!!!! I just dont want to have to keep breaking. I should have let him leave. He can lie and say he wouldn't but he doesn't remember all the things he said. The way he lied and lied and broke my heart over and over with every continuing lie and name and photo and betrayals that left me Shredded. How to you fix a shredded heart?  Fuck him. Dad. What am I doing? 

Mom. Is there anyone who is going to save me from myself, when I just keep holding onto him, and this. What the fuck is there to save? Fuck. Just. Why? I just want to be someone else. I just dont want to go through any of this. 

saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist

I kept calm and carried the weight of the rift

Pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away

My spine split from carrying us up the hill

Wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

I stopped trying to make him laugh

Stopped trying to drill the safe

Thinkin, how much sad did you think I had

Did you think I had in me?

Oh, the tragedy ...

So long, London

You'll find someone ...

I didn't opt in to be your odd man out

I founded the club she's heard great things about

I left all I knew, you left me at the house by the Heath

I stopped CPR, after all it's no use

The spirit was gone, we would never come to

And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

For so long, London

Stitches undone

Two graves, one gun

I'll find someone ...

And you say I abandoned the ship

But I was going down with it

My white knuckle dying grip

Holding tight to your quiet resentment and

My friends said it isn't right to be scared

Every day of a love affair

Every breath feels like rarest air

When you're not sure if he wants to be there

So how much sad did you think I had,

Did you think I had in me?

How much tragedy?

Just how low did you think I'd go?

Before I'd self-implode

Before I'd have to go be free

You swore that you loved me but where were the clues?

I died on the altar waiting for the proof

You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days

And I'm just getting color back into my face

I'm just mad as hell cause I loved this place

For so long, London

Had a good run

A moment of warm sun

But I'm not the one

So long, London

Stitches undone

Two graves, one gun

You'll find someone ...