Friday night date night

To The Man In The Moon  -
We shall see.
We have been trying to go listen to music for a while. I wanted to see Hazzard County since I figured it would be right up his alley. We haven't made it to see them yet. Lol I thought third times the charm but nope. Its fine. Its just I know at some point we will finally see them and he will think, why didnt we do this before. 
Its fine
Nights never end up the way I hope/want but at least not always bad.  I swear he yawned so many times and already had to take a break because of lights in his eyes and pissible migraine after ignoring me for Minecraft. Will he ever realize he does that? I liked when we could play together and since it seriously makes me so sick right now let alone watch him play but when it becomes more than an hour or 2 to 3 or miltiple times throughout the day because then it like do I even exist or does he think this is spending time together? Or  am I  stuck scrolling TikToks or scrolling through Facebook forever? Does he care?  I just give up. 
I am struggling because I worry about how long hes in his own world and I am just waiting for my turn. Talking, about a story, about things and tell me stuff but I have to say or agree before he branches off into another related thing before I get to say anything unless I interrupt or step in to try and redirect and in the end I still never got to say what I wanted. I am not at all trying to sound picky or mean to him. Honestly I am trying to realize that the part of me who is mean as fuck, angry shes been lied to and manipulated...is the truth too. That he lied and he twisted me into knots. The have been so many times that I was hurt and I stopped to stuff it away. I acknowledged the hurt and my choice to accept it from him. Now I am allowing myself to admit how often it happened,
and so many things he has never heard about me or how I feel or my experience because he is listening to respond all the time instead of hearing me out. 
Im not trying to be picky or bitchy I am really just trying to listen to myself more and make space for the things I have learned sometimes I shouldnt just let those moments go. I think I let go so much that it became okay for me to not be heard because he needed to be heard more. Now I am worthless and am terrified that he broke whatever was left of love in me. It was certainly the last of my self confidence and hope. I kept the faith. I have all along. And it got me here. 

So here I sit. He want to go lay down. Hes going to bed. Which if that was all it was...would be fine. But its not. He's giving up the fight today. I cant blame him. I mean fuck, this is harder than shit was before when he decided to find someone better. Or someones. 
I have humbled myself to say a lot of things I never wanted to hear come from my lips. About how much I love him, how many different ways I have tried to fix the fact that he doesn't love me. And that all I want is him. I am so upset by the way I have cried to this an over the fact that he wants more than me, he wants younger, sexier, flirtier, dominant whatever, basically whatever I am not. I admit defeat. 
I am waving the white flag tonight. 
Now can someone tell me how to go sleep in that bed, feeling an inch tall, I guess I can get lost in the sheets...
I feel like it could be worse....


Okay. I felt like I need to state settings for the record. My state of mind changed vigorously throughout the day. I wanted to give myself a boost. Of confidence, of hope. I spent time considering out fit, not that it did me any fucking good. I tried to wear a top that he liked and look fun and flirty. I wanted to smile at him at dinner and gve him a small note on a napkin telling him how good he looked and  let him know how much I wanted the spark between us and not the distance that tore us apart. I mean I had put in thought and time and consideration about us and trying to show him how much he is wanted, cherished, loved. And as the day moved on its like I lost my will to make things happen. I started wondering why I am trying so hard. Hes the one who broke this. He broke me. And if he wants to show me, wants me to want him, wants me at all well then he would figure this stuff out. He spends his time on discovering things about Magic, better cards, better decks, prices on cards and decks and all this other shit. On Minecraft and everything that he invests his time and money into. But none of its for me. None of its to fix this love that he broke. And when we talked he didnt like what he heard. Unless it was his version of something and when I told him I doling believe it and tried to show him how hard I, me, me me me! How HARD I am STILL TRYING.. he ends up going to bed. And I stayed up. Cause I didnt want to crawl into bed next to him..I dont want to pretend that hes trying..that any of this will get us any further.. its losing its heart beat ... it could be just the remnants of the love we could have had...an echo. And I stayed up.. waiting and wishing for something..that I am not sure ever truly existed. And he doesn't hear, see, notice..acknowledge,  care about ? That I cant fix something he broke? I still feel like he takes my love for granted. And I am pulling away..cause I dont want to fight to be loved, seen, heard, made important. He knows exactly how I feel and he knows if hes unsure...I am going to tell him the truth
Something I am not sure he even cares to know or feel.
So how do I sleep..
Here..in this bed of lies..
Why can't I just talk to you? Why? Why is this happening?

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