Sunda🏈

To The Man In The Moon-
I finally went to sleep about 10:30am and got to sleep till 3 or something. Got to catch the end of the Chiefs vs Colts game. Thankfully we came back to win. That was good to see. I am happy to have a little hope. 
Matt was messing with his Magic cards. And then proceeded to playing Minecraft. 
Always with eith of those two. 
I wish there was more to enjoy than just sitting here watching him do what he wants. I need to jist disengage, stop jist watching amd waiting for him to decide to do something with me. 
I jist get on my phone.or play a stupid game on the iPad. Nothing gets done. I mean he did put in a load of laundry but the kitchens still a mess and I am supposed.to make apple, strawberry Rhubarb and pumpkin pies before Thanksgiving. Guess I will clean tomorrow and start pies on Tuesday if I feel okay after my injections. 
Fucking hell.


9:33pm
We went and got Chinese from Hunan for dinner while we learned to play Mexican Train dominoes. Liam had a lot of fun and eventually so did Matt. There is so much attitude thrown around some times. I just dont know how to defuse the situations. If I try and bring it to attention then it becomes even worse. I am not sure how to address it without causing an even worse reaction from either Liam or Matt. Sometimes I just want to smack the two of their heads together. 
Or just smash my own. 
He listens to these ridiculously stupid Tik Tok's, Facebooks, YouTubes, Instagrams or whatever the fucks at loud volume and it makes me want to break his phone. Just every time he gets pissy, or has to make a comment about Liam or something even me its like hes irritated by everything but I sit here taking this shit and trying to remember that this is supposed to be fun and it just isnt. 
Its not all bad, but there is ALWAYS bad, if that makes sense. 
Top that off that I am feeling the struggle with everyone right now, its a little overwhelming. My fortune cookie said True friends are there when you need a shoulder to cry on. And I guees it sucks because I am always in short supply. I love Rose and Charles and the kids so much. Alyssa, Nat and Tru too. But its hard because I am in thos very difficult position where I feel unsafe with just being me. With me feeling my feelings out loud and not having to worry about being vulnerable. I am feeling so alone lately. And no one needs this negativity that ai am carting around. Just a girl with her own little storm cloud raining all over everyone else. Fuck I am trying to get away from myself who could blame anyone else?!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more