Sinking feeling

To The Man In The Moon- 
I know there isnt any special significance in the full moon. I have like other things in my life tried so hard to make magic. To have hope and give romantic notions for things to show me the way, light my path, offer guidance or clarity into my life while things crumble around me. I want to be magical and romantic. I want to feel more than this shit than what I am stuck in the middle of. I feel like I am always stuck, in this body, in this nightmare, alone with all good slowly being leeches from my mind and body. 
I am grasping on so tightly that I am trying to find anything to hold onto and never really aware of whether it is good or bad, just holding on.

I should take back what I said. The full moon does hold significance. I think its me, that wishes it held more, and perhaps gave as much meaning to me as I try to make it. I want it to give me a piece of you. A piece of love, and family. The piece I have missed since I lost you, and connection that I miss and wish I had. Mom's gone, 10 years now. You've been gone so long. I wish i could even fathom the kind of Grandfather you would have been. 
Tonight I just wish I could feel that love. I do everyday. I will never know life without that need, that longing. I wish I had you and mom to help me through all these terrible times. I wish you two were here to enjoy the wonderful ones.
I am alone. I am struggling and I feel all these bad things that I feel and do and am and I see it taint the only good thing I have done in this world. I wish I was better for him. I wish I could do and be so much more for him. No matter when or how I leave the earth, I will alway regret so much that I should have done and been for him. 
Being a child, alone. How deeply sad I am to have brought that on someone else in this world. 
Tomorrow I go to the therapist and I have no idea how to get all the help I so desperately need. Where to begin. I mean I have begun and there arent enough hours in the day to go through all the bulldhit I carry with me. 
Trying to repair the damage done with Matthew brought up old wounds from Dustin and my failed marriage. Dustin and I were so deep into withholding affection that left me with insecurities about myself. When we separated and I found my sexuality and my confidence. I thought I had such a secure and strong base to build another relationship and yet I became involved with a man who said he was everything I needed and desired. And even when the hard truths started coming to light, I put my hopes, dreams and faith into him and becoming us. Even when all the things came up on our way here, we put it all behind us. Until I found he really hadn't. Here we are 5 years later and I am in the same predicament. He searched for other women to entertain him. Told them he loved and cared for them. Sent and received explicit photos. Met someone. All while coming home to me and Liam. And once again I was not good enough. I couldn't be the confident, secure me. I hadn't been since he first got here and still entertained other women. I cant believe how many times I asked what was wrong. Said I knew we were not okay. All to get nothing back. And now I listen to him tell me how wonderful I am and how much I mean to him. And as much as I wish it were true... its not. Im not. And I dont think I ever have been. I promised myself 1000s of times, I would never pretend again. Everyday right now. I have to pretend. To myself, to him, to Liam. To everyone. Because I have no hope anymore. All I've ever been is not good enough for everyone I ever loved. 

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