To The Person I Need To Be -


How many times have you given up on yourself? Given up hoping, wishing, dreaming? Given up what you need, not just what I want. You're rolling over and playing dead. You fear loving Matt. You fear being who you are so you can love Matt. But who loves you? Who fights to love you? You fought Dustin so many times and for so many years. To figure out what was happening to him, to feel better to, help him learn to love being a dad, to keep the spark between you, to strengthen your family and have the life you two wanted together. You begged and pleaded, you demanded and scorched earth to try and get him to see you, love you, to be there for Liam, to help you be better, to know you all could be better together.  But it was never is enough. Now you are fighting the battle with Matthew. Who has an excuse for everything but can never tell the truth. Who no matter how many times and in how many ways you ask him why, what happened, what can you do, how can you help, he just keeps evading and not actually putting in the work to fix things with you. Just soooo many promises and so many broken promises lay around you at your feet like broken glass. 
I think you have lost so many pieces of yourself, that you arent sure who you are anymore. 
You've lost the fight.  
Matt was all you hoped for. You prayed for. But you didnt want to see, how pretty words made you swoon. How secrets and lies tainted every kiss, every heartbeat. You poisoned yourself. 
You didnt make him lie. But I accepted his lies. So why are you surprised he used them against you? 
Now you cant look him in the eye
 You see nothing reflected back. How you believed that you could be everything...How he would  appreciate everything you had to give.. How he saw your flaws and loved you more... 
Now you cant breath. Cant stop wondering. Waiting. You gave up on him holding himself accountable. What did did he give up? What did he sacrifice to make things work? He has you, he has the means to talk to anyone he wants. He is right back where he was and you have the man who cheated with all these women, the doubts, the betrayal, the lies, the tears, the self hatred that eats you alive every day and every night while he looks at you with pity and tells you he lied and cheated, that Now hes done and isnt that special? Dont you feel loved? Do you feel like the only woman hes ever loved? Does you feel his passion and devotion? 
Why cant you pick your head up? Why cant you just keep loving him? Why cant you jist fix your head? Your heart? Your confidence? 
Your crumbling 
Shrinking
Fading away
No one will remember 
A genuine smile on your face.
You'll be remembered as such a sorry mistake 
Loved to much and to honest 
So it too must be faked
No real flowers will grace your grave
You cared to deeply, wanted too much
Dollar store remembrance 
And fake tears to fall
In honor of the woman who loved so deeply but was forgotten by all. 
Liams love lost to the mother who couldn't mother after all. 

Another night I will sit alone and cry. 
Another night I will sit and stare at pictures and memories that are forever tainted with wondering when and who he was thinking about, wishing for, missing instead of being happy with you and with Liam. 

Once again we are nothing but the crutch, the furniture that liter their lives. Youre a pretty photo to hold up instead of the truth, the snaps sent to his girls, all blue hearts and I miss you beautiful. Oh wait one was his Princess. Fuck me I am such a fucking stupid piece of shit. A shithead as he would affectionately call me. Thats how special I am. A shithead to his Princess. 

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