Still deep water

To The Man In The Moon-
Yesterday was a an actual date night. And despite the deep pauses it was something we needed. I needed. Overall it was good. With all the bruised soft spots taken into account. Today was different. I kept waiting for something. But it was met with several hard spots. Something definitely more deep seeded. Deeper wounds. 
I am definitely searching for something more. He just keeps things at surface level. It feels false. Maybe not false but fake? Nope. There is a word. I am searching for it. Almost like my brain doesn't want to admit it. Its will come to me. If I have to search it out. 
Unauthentic. Artificial. 
I think it boils down to all things I have heard before. I'm beautiful. When he says it right now, I just think of how many times I heard it while he lusted after Jordyn, or Miranda, or Bree. Its the way my brain wants to quip back when he says I love you, and I'm sexy. I watch these movies, and see all these flags flying. Its all these little memes in my feed. Telling me to hold on, or let go, to be better, to do better, to not settle, to fight, be strong, resilience, and forgiveness. 
This is where my head, my heart, lives. I never felt so uncontrolled and raw. How I am flipping through my rolladex of feelings. And then he just looks at me waiting. And I just pull down the blinds ot put my blinders on so I can own my feelings. I dont want to push them down or away. There is a voice in me that is strongly telling me, warning me that I am not safe here. That maybe I have never been safe here. And it's something I am very unsure what to do with. 

So yeah, today was not good. But again, must be something that I need to feel, sit with, and figure out. 
I just wish I had the tools to really help myself work through it. Cause I am quite useless sitting in this hurt. 

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