i hurt so much

To The Man In The Moon  -
Technically a new day whether i have slept or not. Trust me there is a lot if insomnia and pain. 
I didnt talk a lot but I tried to let Matt in. I meant it when I said there isnt anything new I could tell him. Just me spiraling into outer space.
But when I asked him why he wanted me and hiw he knows. He said something that gave me serious pause. 
Because of how I love him. How I encourage him still, and its how he has never been loved like this before. I have been sitting with it all night. Rolling it over in my head and heart. 
It makes me feel like its how I love him and how much I try and help him, care for him, desire and want him. 
But I mean of course. Who else would love you and help you and not walk away after everything you just did. Showing me how much you care for me. My feelings and my heart. By having year long affairs and dozens of conversations and photos exchanged between you and all these women. 
HES RIGHT. 
And that's the wash isnt it?
When all is said and done. Hes with me because I love him. How I love him. How much I love him. But it says nothing about how he loves me. What I have to show for how much he loves me and values me is all these lies, women, photos and relationships he had behind my back. 
And when I bring this up. If I have the fucking courage to bring it up, I will have misunderstood what he was saying or he said it wrong.  But actions speak louder than words. 
Really hope my stomach stops needing to crap and cramp so I can get some sleep. At least when I am asleep I dont have to question everything that come out of his mouth.  
Also I shared this link with him. I just keep waiting. So that's my night. Pray I sleep and gain some insight or something. A neon sign? Arrows? Map quest? I dont know myself anymore. 

Who the hell am I? 


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