Broken

To The Man In Yhe Moon - 

Broken - my Spotify playlist

Being in this freefall without a parachute is more than my nerves can stand. I cry because I am hurt, I cry because I dont know how to trust him, I cry that he ruined us, I cry because I love him and it wasnt enough. I am not healthy. I am not well. I have nothing to offer this man. Nothing he cant get from someone else. I love him so hard I hurt myself. 
There is a cavern in my heart, deep so deep and it feels big enough to swallow the entire universe. My hearts a black hole, sucking everything in, obliterating who I am. 
I am trying to hold onto hope. 
I decided to get a few self help books on affairs and how to cope. I keep thinking that as soon as I am not well, as soon as I cant love him and have sex with him, when I am broken and sick hes going to find someone else who will. Or he may already have someone else to run to. 
I am just so fucking lost. And scared.
I'm so tired. 
All the doubt and the sadness, I just dont want to hurt anymore.
I do my best to be soft, kind, attentive, compassionate, understanding, conscientious, empathetic, nurturing, flirty, seductive, sexy, pretty, encouraging and give my whole heart and soul to love, and to our relationship. But stuff remains the same. I am not enough, I am too much. I want, need, crave and desire too much. I'm broken. 

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