Can Someone Tell me why

To The Man In The Moon-.

I cant decide on what it says about thing that I have this strong need to be heard, to be seen, loved, acknowledged and that is why I find myself turning here. To you, to mom even though you may never hear or see me or my pleas. And the person I love and need that can see and hear me but doesnt. 
I should start making a list for my therapist. Cause even if I have to pay to be seen and heard its better than not having anyone who loves and cares about me.

I downloaded ...a couple....😬well more like a few self help books about recovering from affairs, infidelity and even ones on me and why I keep accepting and getting less from those I love and trying to change my mindset and restructuring your emotions and brain because I am obviously doing everything wrong so let just try a factory reset. Because I wish I had no idea of what I need and want so I would be happy with whatever I get. 
But I am not sure they are helping or hurting. For better or worse, I wonder what it would be like to not be in my head. If I could just see that no matter how fucked up I am, that the alternative is not "better"
Its just another hell of a different kind. Better to know the devil you know, than the one you dont. Although I am now not evem sure that's the saying. 
Cant trust myself these days. 
The northern lights are supposed.to be visual tonight. Solar flare. I jist keep thinking about Margie and I's drive to see them. We never made it. We talked about love, life, and sang at the top of our lungs. I miss her. I am too deeply scarred from the mess of Dustin and the lies and manipulative things she said. I pray I am lucky enough to find someone to fill that void. In another life I guess. 
Meatloaf and pastas done. Maybe I'll come back. 

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