all I have

To The Man In The Moon-
I have been sick. No surprise there. I dont know what the fuck I am doing anymore. I am struggling. I have so many emotions and feelings stuck inside my body, running through my head. 
I still feel like hes lying. 
Not matter how many times I try and talk things through, none of it rings true in my head, and not in my heart. 
I want him but I dont. 
I want the truth. But I dont think either of us know what that is at the moment.

I look at myself and I dont even know, my eyes, my face , my mouth, my hair, my skin. It all is just wrong. I thought I had love. I thought there was this person, my person. Who saw me. Who loved me. Like I loved him. But he doesn't. He tells me Im beautiful and I close my eyes. I try and believe. But I dont. I see these other women, these other bodies, photos.
I hate myself so deeply, for not being enough. All I see all I feel is the flaws, the problems, my illness, my short falls. 
I hate myself for trusting him. For loving him so totally that I lost whoever the fuck I was. 
I miss mom. 
I need mom.
I'm so just fucked up right now. 
Tomorrow I am going to see my therapist.
I dont really evem want to anymore. 
I was fine with trying to fix myself. I knew that I was having issues with my anxiety for Liam, for my medical issues, for my impending divorce, thinking that once I got my issues under control, Matt and I could be better. 
I cant believe how stupid I was. 
I thought I had his love and would be able to take time and get better and it would all be okay. 
Turns out, I was wrong. All fucking wrong. 
And now I dont even know what is wrong with me. Too much for me to handle. How do I love him and rebuild anything especially when I dont love myself and have nothing to offer anyone.
I have to pull myself together no matter what. Because I have to have something left to give to Liam. Even if I am alone. I have to keep going, somehow. And give this kid everything I have. 
Mom always had your love. And you hers. Im sorry I couldn't find that. I wish I had that to show Liam. But I can at least show him the love mom gave me. Or try my hardest until I cant. 

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