Cold and sunny

To The Man In The Moon  - 
The Rollercoaster persists. I have whip lash from the way my heart and head view to be the one in control of me. 
I know that I love Matthew with all tjat I am. I love him with his flaws. My heart loves him. My heart is also broken. It knows that it was lied to and fooled. And when my head starts thinking through how long all of this went on, well it wants to fight and protect what I have left to love with. 
We are having the hard conversations.I want to believe that he would never do this again. But again, this has happened before and this time it is far worse. 
I cant reconcile how he can say I make him happy and I am all he wants. Because, well. Its not true. If he was happy, how could he seek out another woman's time, and company. How could he love and care more for these relationships that he say meant nothing and then look at me and be with me. And no matter how much he says hes sprry and he hates himself, I still cant believe what he says. 
I would still be broken and desperate for his love and attention that he gave freely to everyone but me if I hadn't caught him. If I hadn't found out about all of these lies and lives he was so happy to have amd all these women's desires he longed to have. 
Its lies. Everytime he says they meant nothing. Its lies. He fought hard to protect all these lies. He didnt fight for me. He didn't care how much he was killing us. But now he does. Suddenly he sees, he realizes and he regrets. But he didnt regret finding more and more women. More and more attention and conversations and photos, lusting after all of them while climbing into bed with me. And when I sit and look at the truth. The reality that I had no idea was going on. Well. The world jist falls out from under me and I am spinning out into outter space. The truth is, I keep grasping onto the moments that we could have had. The love I wanted from him. But it was a lie. We dont have that love. I dont know what we have. But I am still here. Im still in love. And right now, if I stop and think everything starts unraveling. So here I am. Unraveling my life and my love until I can make it make sense, and figure out if there is anything true that we can fix. 
I just want to cry. But I have to keep moving. Keep going doing the best I can until I cant. Or until we cant. One day hes going to figure out the truth. His truth. And when he sees it isnt me. I am going to have to pick up and rebuild my heart all over again. If that's even possible. 

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