Trying

To The Man In The Moon  -

I am literally beginning to wonder if I am losing it. 
I am trying so hard to juggle so much. 
I can't keep up. I want and worry so much and I am trying to do it all just right. Handle everything just so. Make things right. Get things done. Myself, my house, my life. I know that it's all preparation for good things. But why am I struggling so hard and stressing so much when I know in my heart no matter how messy it gets if it's right and it's meant to be it will all be fine. Why does my mind work itself up and stress about things that I don't need to worry about? 
I know with Dustin I am trained to plan and prepare for all the fights and the bad times. Making sure I am prepared and ready for the disaster that comes. I'm always preparing g for war. 
With Matt I am preparing for him to come and I started seeing this excited energy turning to anxiety and fear and the need to make things just so. He isn't like that. I don't know if it's my way of coping with the fear that he won't actually come. Or that he will and then hate it here or hate being with me and leave. 
I can't just sit with the excitement and let it happen. Like accepting this blessing and just being at peace with it will somehow make it untrue. 
Is it better I see that I am recognizing my traumatic responses and challenge those thoughts or am I ignoring my instincts ?
This is the shit that fucks my head and my heart all up. 
I need his voice in my head. Lol I wish I could talk to him and say these things because he'd look at me.. and the crazy doubts and worries would fade away in the depth of his eyes and he'd erase the madness with his laugh and his smile. 
2 more months. And then no more wondering...no more wishful thinking. He will either solve the riddle, silence the fear and start a new journey with me. Or well... not.. I'll not question him either way the actions will make it very clear. 

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