struggling

To The Man In The Moon-

I struggle. I am not great at dealing with my struggles. I have been working on myself for a long time. And I still can see things and not know how to improve then in the moment. So I have to process things in my own fucked up way before I can then really focus on fixing them.

But watching my son struggle. It kills me. Utterly breaks me into a million pieces. It makes me sad, and so fucking angry. 

I am his mom. I want to help him and protect him and give him everything he needs to be happy and successful. 
I have failed at that. 
I am failing at that. 
He is a smart kid. And I know he struggles. He has problems that may never be solved. I just want to give him the support and care and love he needs to be able to help him learn how to manage his problems even if he will always have them.

I dont want to hate Dustin for his problems. O have loved him and tried to do just that for him and I failed. I became an enabler who just reinforced the problems by trying to accommodate them because he is so set in his ways. If I hadn't of tried to put up with them and cater to him, I wouldn't be in this position. But I loved him for who he was. Until it hurt. Until it broke everything. 

I need help. I need to be able to help Liam. I need to have someone to talk to and share and communicate with to help me find a better way. 

I am failing at the most important role in life. 

I can't just sit back and watch things I love fall apart. 

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